Reviews for I Imagine
Della C chapter 1 . 4/27/2004
I have no Puppet Master breathing down my neck at the moment, so you'll just get my thoughts here.
adverbs are t3h 3vil. her hand does not lightly curve, it just curves. she doesn't humbly dance with you... the word "humbly" in that line makes it confusing... who's being humble here?
It's a cute poem, don't get me wrong...
But it would be better if it had more FORM. You could force this into a sonnet or something similar rather easily, and it would be a massive improvement.
And never use the words "fairytale trance." I don't care if you need a rhyme. I read that and it loses most of its credibility. You are not a ten-year-old girl.
"A beautiful girl who likes dancing with me" is a weakish line. not horrible, but it certainly can be improved. I'm specifically talking about the word "likes" here... Vagueness is the enemy of poetry. the lines "What have I done to deserve/a beautiful girl who dances with me?" make your poem leaner, and more pleasing to the ear.
"While I lay in my bed and think in my head" Okay. Internal rhyme is pleasing, but this is just silly. where else would you think? In your toe? (actually... that might be kind of cool...) you can do without that line altogether. It adds nothing to the poem, we've already established you in bed and thinking of her.
Remember: Poetry is meant to be HEARD, not read. (ee cummings is a different story altogether) So if a line sounds kinda strange, change it so it doesn't anymore. Read it aloud, then again.
Again: not bad. could be better. In the words of my good friend The Guy in the Green Pullover, revision sex. only not.
Scooz chapter 1 . 4/24/2004
Awe, cute lil poem. Sounds like a love stuck puppy. But it's really sweet. Good job, keep it up. And thanx for reveiwing my poem.
Luthien
Toxix Harpy chapter 1 . 4/20/2004
I love it. I put it under one of my favorites. Beautifully put together...and...I'm bad at reviewing poetry. Just know it's wonderful.