Reviews for Xenith
JaveHarron chapter 1 . 11/1/2005
Okay, interesting setup so far. I did like how Island was a republic, rather than some cliche monarchy.
Kazumai chapter 1 . 3/27/2005
good story - read one of mine if you have a chance
Meiseki chapter 2 . 9/11/2004
Oh wow! What an intesnse outro! But I wanted to tell you a few other things: Perhaps I had not realized it before, or, perhaps I did... I'm not really sure... But, you have a very descriptive and detailed writing style! One of the things I've been imporving on lately... I also wanted to tell you that I like this mysterious "Irrelevant", and it was very clever for you to just name him that for the time being! I wouldn't have thought to do so, but hey... That's just me. I may not post anything on this site for a long time, but I can at least read a few stories for enjoyment! The last thing I'd want you to do is give up on a story... I didn't quite do that, I just merely continued it on my own and spriced up a few things in my style. There's even a new format! But this story is good, don't quit on it entirely (Not that I think you would, but you can never predict what an author might do!)... Well, now that I'm done rambling Great job on your story! I love it! Oh, and where's Missa?
Mei
ArchDemonNotion chapter 1 . 4/27/2004
this is a really good story. is the island a place that this army is trying to get to? and what is slade, a warrior before he washed up on the island? keep going i really liked the fight where he beat up the pros.
Meiseki chapter 1 . 4/25/2004
Wow. This is great! ) There's so many things I wanted to be sure to tell you, so I wrote them down! ** First off, I like Slade He's cool, and I love his and Missa's chestnut-brunette hair (Because that's MY hair color! ). I'm guessing Slade is the main character, but I could very well be wrong That was real nice of them, though, to stick up for his friends like that. Poor guy, getting dragged of like that... And you stopped. How could you? *Random person in Peanut Gallery coughs "Hippicrit..."*
Anyway, I liked the idea for the whole "Island" thing - It's wierd, I had a dream about a handful of people on an island, but it got taken over by mean, assertive, dominant people. Needless to say, I'm reminded! ; Oh yes, and I also wanted to tell you that I love those names (Ent, Ry, Mokken, Slade, Missa) ** ...They're so original! Well I'm done rambling, so I'll just finish this review off with a fairwell; ja ne!
Mei
P.S. I like where this is heading, do you plan on putting a lot of war and maybe a little romance, or just a lot of war and more war? Just curious! Keep up the great work! I love it! **
Gerk chapter 1 . 4/24/2004
Okay, I feel I will "review" my story if not just to defend some of what has been said; if not, then just to acknowledge that I read your review and that (some of) it will be noted.
I'll start with your picks and pans regarding the grammatical errors; I appreciate your pointing those out, from an absolute perspective those can be improved and that was one of the things I primarily had in mind submitting this; grammar. Although "aforementioned" is a word and "afore" is not. (
Docility: No comment. The area around Island is calm in terms of forces of nature, perhaps unnaturally so, but that is for a reason that is explained later in the storyline's arc. Good eye though, pointing that out.
The Ships: The ships are of a quite different design from those we are familiar with of the equivalent era, though admittedly I need to describe them a bit more; I try not to overload with information. Most ships of the 'normal' design we think of will not even balance correctly if beached, ultimately falling over.
The name "Island" will be kept; it is the butt of a few ounces of humor and is also symbolic to an extent (which, of course, will be covered later.)
Work: Prior to this review, a similar thought dawned to me; the work habits of Island are quite unorthodox, alas, I forgot to differentiate that it was a lazy sort of day. Or something. Hard to explain in words.
Swoop: Sudden strikes are not uncommon using a straight pole. It depends on the grip or momentum utilized, though that does tell me that could use some expansionary work.
Hell is a place that exists in almost all religions, sects, and beliefs. The world of Xenith (which I have yet to find a good name for) possesses its own takes and forms of it; "hell" has become a common noun, not just a proper location described religiously, after hundreds of years of linguistics, so I felt free to use it in another universe completely (the fact they're speaking English leaves some room for improvisation in the first place...)
Weapons: Anro is quite arrogant and, to a degree, incompetent. His misuse of such weaponry is actually, by the author's intent, meant to be.
"Blunt end of the blade" refers to the flat, non sharp end. Like the 'sides' of a sword you would bludgeon, and not cut, with.
"Good friend" is a bout of sarcasm, which upon inspection is not rhythmic. Needs changing.
I personally have no idea what you mean by the "Blackjack" comment.
And, this was written within the span of 16 hours (about three of which I was actually typing; the others were spent with daily life and thoughts as to what to do with the story); the last 2.5 pages (beginning with "Missa cut in")were written in approximately 15 minutes. Not to make excuses by any stretch of the imagination, just that the existence of this story, long dormant in my mind, was provoked outward by English deadlines.
I am no stranger to writing, though this is my first piece here. I can appreciate criticism, positive, negative, whatever; I in fact INVITE you guys to do your wors; not like I'll cry or give up or anything. There is always room for improvement. (;
Sidious Sam chapter 1 . 4/24/2004
Right straight in!
Slight error near the start, cgange aforementioned to afore mentioned
If you mean docile as in not many people came to the island or not much happened then fine but if it is in relation to the sea itself, there is no such thing as a docile ocean, the sea never rests, storms, blustery days etc. You might want to clarify...
Why not give the Island a name, just calling it "Island" is a bit of a cop out. If you are going to insist though, why not make up something and say it is from an ancient and almost forgotten dialect that translates as "Island". Never been to or heard of a place where the locals did not have a name for it.
Regardless the size of a community or its location, there is always work to be done, and in fact the smaller the community, usually the more work there is. Everything from food gathering/growing to colecting firewood etc.
Don't like your refrence to "fell swoop" If they are sparring with polls,then this is not a description that really fits. It is more of a description of a sudden strike like an ambush.
A better term would be a sweep, as this is the action required to take someones legs from beneath them.
"Instinctivly inclining" Term doesn't seem to work well here, try something else.
A ship, regardless of size wouldn't normally be "beached" as a. getting the vessel off the sand/mud would be difficult unless the manuver was done at low tide, which would allow the vessel to be floated as the tide came in.
b. Unless the ship had a reinforced keel, this could damage the hull.
Unless the villagers were stupid, they would want to get rid of unwanted strangers quickly, and therefore, would give directions to the port if they knew of it, and if they didn't, they certainly would not want to antagonise someone who may have vastly superior forces.
Quote:
"Like hell it will."
End Quote:
Hell is a christian and jewish term adopted by many modern cultures, are you implying that these Islanders are of one of the above Religons? (There were probably more who used the term "Hell" but I'm just giving the main ones.)
It's doubtfull if a broad sword would be used by any fighting man who crewed a navy vessel, it's too large for close fighting on a ship and too heavy. A scimitar or cutlass would be the better choice even a long knife would do. The same goes for the Pole arm. Too big.
Penetrate the heart area, with a swing?
That would imply a thrust, which is a stabbing motion. A swing or a sweep would result in a slash type wound which most certainly would not damage the heart.
Carefully and hastily are very rarely seen together in the one sentence.
I assume when you say "the blunt end of the blade" You mean the haft (the long pole part)
How was the soldier a "good friend" of Mannes?
"Back portion of the spine" That's a rather large area, in fact I believe you mean his back bone, your spine is lies a the center of you back bone and refers to the nerve bundle.
Blackjacked? Get rid of it, it's too modern a term for the setting.
No idea what you are trying to say in the last sentence.
It sounds fine, initally, but your battle scenes are rubbish as you don't seem to know how the weapons are properly used, ignoring the fact that they would not be used on naval vessels.
My advise to you is to read a little on medevial and naval weaponry, and completely rewrite this chapter.
Note: This is not a "flame" I was taking it easy as this appears to be your first post here, I could have been alot worse. But don't take it too hard, this has potential, just needs a little tweeking.
Sam.