|Reviews for The Foundation of the Wehrn|
| eiyuang999 chapter 1 . 5/23/2010
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| Joelle Duran chapter 11 . 6/23/2006
Quite an intense chapter, and skillfully done. The whole confrontation between Raylf and Markus was evenly portrayed, I think. It did remind me of the one time in my childhood I was fool enough to kick my mom, and I certainly got what *I* deserved! )
"Suddenly the door to the rest of the caves banged open and a frightened-looking Markus ran in. His back was still bare and ten long, red welts could be clearly seen running down it, but what scared Raylf was his son's face"I'm not precisly sure how Raylf can see his son's back AND face at the same time, especially as I'd expect the boy to be moving in his direction.
"When he found the killer, he was going to rip him end from end, so that not even his widow would be able to find enough pieces to put him together for burial."Beautiful. Er, not the sentiment, but the way you portray that fury.
Prandt's loss is a bitter one indeed. They needed that man.
I like the incorporation of the Catholic faith here, especially all the men crossing themselves nearly at once-I could see it in my mind and it really adds to the 'historical' flavor of this piece.
The scene with Gisela entering poor Johannes' mind was quite intense. Massive swelling of the brain destroying it, I'm guessing? Aside from the terrible gut wound.
I do hope they use Prandt's recenty tally to see if anything was stolen and what...and since it appears to be outsiders (at least in part) then my suspicious self can't help fretting about poison. I realize your progress on this tale has been slow of late...but I do hope you grace us with some more chapters sometime this year! )
| Joelle Duran chapter 10 . 6/23/2006
Nice chapter, once again. I like the multiple threads/potential threats you've woven in here: food, odd gaudy-clothed mysteries, supplies, discontent, winter, Faril...
"but it still amazes me to watch her picking up Russian faster than nearly everyone else in the room, including the young men, now that we have combined the lessons." oh, there's a tale and a half behind that 'throwaway' line, isn't there? ;)
Love the weeds in the crops analogy.
Culling the riffraff come spring might be good, but isn't he in the slightest bit concerned such disgruntled sorts might (intentionally or not) reveal his location?
Glad to hear how the place finally gets a name...which I'm guessing will end up sticking.
| Joelle Duran chapter 9 . 6/21/2006
Back for more!
"Yes, milord," nodded the scout." You could say 'The scout nodded. 'Yes, milord.'" or "'Yes, milord,' the scout said with a nod." but you can't nod a phrase.
"Besides, they had managed to bring down a rabbit for dinner." Er, how many men in this hunting party? I get the idea it's at least six. That might supplement a thin stew, but it won't go too far. Also, for saying earlier "And I do know how to track, Robert. And to hunt. We need more food." They don't appear to do much at all of it.
Derik is quite fun in this.
Good chapter-you had me worried for Sir Nelson throughout; I like how you brought in the 'ghost.' I also appreciated Raylf's feelings as a good noble in an increasingly egalitarian society. Best part of being out there...no taxes to the Crown, right? ;)
| Joelle Duran chapter 8 . 6/20/2006
Have to say I find myself agreeing with his Christmas sentiments. )
Wise of him to focus on training the young those three languages, unwise to exclude the women. Well, at least they took care of that lapse!
Ah, the thorns came from Sabine! I didn't catch that on my first read, but it all fits much better now. She's got some cheek!
They've done better work than many at smoothing over religious difference. Kudos to them!
I like how he expresses his mingled joy and loss at the betrothal announcement. Very nicely done, all around.
| Joelle Duran chapter 7 . 6/16/2006
Great chapter, as always. I admired Tatiana's fortitude despite her many hardships and losses. The doll scene was sweet, as was the reminiscing. Didn't care for the 'instant female bonding' bit, but that's just a personal thing. The language difficulties and resentment of the Russians by a few were good realistic touches, and Wagner is quite disturbing...do hope he doesn't wind up a 2-d villian, a great weekend!
| Joelle Duran chapter 6 . 6/9/2006
Good chapter, as always. I can understand why some people might want you to 'show' instead of 'tell' some of the scenes mentioned in these letters. I think it works the way you're weaving it. It gives the story a feel of 'authenticity,' for lack of a better word. It delves deeper into the characters, which yields more richness than simple action-driven storylines. Just my two cent's worth, there.
And Kirost is a noble man indeed, to feel some sympathy with Faril, despite his loathsome deeds. )
| Joelle Duran chapter 5 . 6/6/2006
Quite riveted by this chapter, you did a good job at constantly raising the tension level throughout. I enjoyed Prandt and the 'issue' of Father Gregor. The bit with the mirrors was great-I'm curious how you'll set it up for prolonged light as the sun's position constantly shifts, by day and by Krebs. Everyone should be able to sympathize with those 'overlooking the obvious' moments!I enjoyed the thought put into the Call, the obvious effort, and the forethought of Raylf and the others against ensuing exhaustion. GAH-that Faril! Seems to have gone beyond vengeance to bigoted obessesion.
Spotted a couple errors that I don't believe have already been pointed out:
"The two men were seated in a quiet, empty sleeping chamber, some ways away from anyone else, and were speaking in low voices, so he allowed himself to continue." this seems to conflict with the earlier statement about "his voice swelled nearly to the potency Raylf remembered from his childhood." especially as those particular words are not the sort to be desired overheard.
"Raylf knew that that other side, which had originally been open to the elements," best to avoid 'that that' if at all possible.
"Maria beamed nearly as brightly as the sunlight off her mirror had, at the compliment." Don't need that last comma, perhaps rephrase to put 'At the compliment' first so it reads more smoothly.
"He had only met his distant cousin Tatiana only once, but he remembered her clearly." Don't need both 'only's in this sentence.
Great chapter! Hope to get back for more soon.
| Joelle Duran chapter 4 . 6/5/2006
Just loved this chapter. I'm quite enjoying how you alternate between his records and the live events. They each cast light on each other very nicely. I am somewhat surprised to see no name for Sabine and Lars' particular talents, since you've named others. And I am hoping this Lars comes into the story at some point, sounds like he would have an interesting tale and experiences to bring into the narrative.I also enjoyed the realism here-the hopeful dreams giving way to the hard work of reality, and the thought you've put into portraying the difficulties of living in such a location. Of course I'm uneasy about the disappearance of Lord Faril, and the oddity of the border of knowledge they forward to reading more!
| Joelle Duran chapter 3 . 6/5/2006
Nice chapter here. Just about everything to pick at has already been pointed out. I enjoyed the introduction of the children and of Gisela. Robert's particular talent should prove quite handy.
"Fair enough," nodded Kirost"I know your taste is to use great variety in your speaker attributions, but in this particular case, it goes a little far, I believe. You can't 'nod' speech.
I'm glad they've found a refuge, and I'm curious what the settling in will bring.
| Joelle Duran chapter 2 . 5/31/2006
Lovely chapter here. I really like how you make Raylf Kirost a man of his time-both with the prevaling faith of the day and the view of 't help but wonder at the mention of Ronwald being a mind-transporter, and whether that might be an important point. Also curious how many different types of mind-powers there are, and how they work.
| Alankria chapter 11 . 5/23/2006
Hello, yet again I didn't notice that this had been updated. *adds you to author alerts*
“Does Jesus knows why they had to die?” - 'knows' should be 'know'
"It looks whole until to step closer and touch it" - the word 'to' seems a little out of place there.
Very interesting ending there, and a powerful chapter throughout. You really make the reader sympathise with both Raylf and Markus during the father-son interaction at the beginning, and the murders and reactions to them are very well done.
| Joelle Duran chapter 1 . 5/23/2006
I am quite impressed with this first chapter. You did well at weaving in the necessary backstory into the meeting of Raylf and Christian so that it doesn't bog down the reader. Good job with the description of both Christian, and Mina's mind-scan. Raylf Kirost appeals to me from the start, always a good thing to have sympathetic only thing I spotted worth picking on was the '?' usage, but that has already been pointed beginning; hope to be back for more soon!
| Qu33n of Spades chapter 5 . 5/20/2006
I love the advisor, and I'm really glad we got this scene of Mind-Seeking. At first I wasn't 100% sure of what it was, or how it worked, but now I understand. I like how everyone has different talents, but how those talents have rules - even the telepathic talents. :-)
| Qu33n of Spades chapter 4 . 5/20/2006
These sorts of chapters make me feel as if I'm really getting to know Raylf; they're very endearing and I love reading what he has to say about his family most of all.
I'm not sure, at this point, that I entirely understand who Lord Faril is, or what he wants, or why he's doing what he's doing. Really the backstory characters, except for Lars, are the ones that I'm not sure I understand - I'm having a little difficulty grasping who they are. But then, things may become clearer as I read on, so that is what I'm going to do.