Reviews for Writing Shorts
Enkantada Azul chapter 1 . 7/25/2005
Psh, I really need to learn how to do constructive critisim and write better.
Bacall chapter 2 . 5/6/2004
Need a stronger word than "liked" to match your detailed description of her relationship with embroidery.
It would be helpful to learn the ages of the characters early. I was surprised to read the "young apprentice" was old enough to be running off to a 'date'.
Time of day is unclear. Setting sun and dusky sky imply it is sunset. But how light or dark is it yet? If light, why did the forest look eerie already, but if dark, why were the women still sewing with the heavy curtain closed? "It looks like another perfect evening!" can be changed to make it clear the evening is in the near future and to better suggest her happy anticipation of both the weather and the evening's event(s). Or perhaps quite a period of time passes while Maureen is gazing out the window before "the darkening light of evening". After "flighty girl" I think you need a period, not comma. Also, "not prone to bursts of..." could include the behavior Elizabeth just exhibited in addition to sloth and forgetfulness. I'd prefer a different adjective than "speeding" for a horse. For a reader in 2004, "speeding" just couldn't possibly apply to a horse. Also, depending on what will happen next, choose either the horse or the eerieness or the forest as significant and describe the significant factor more than the others. Also, wheat is a grain, so perhaps "wheat and other grains". As in "wind on a Hot Day", what I appreciate most is the sense of anticipation you create. I WANT to know what happens to your characters!
Bacall chapter 1 . 5/6/2004
Mechanical corrections: "long, black", "no one".
Suggestions: add more adjectives, e.g. "several gusts of _ wind", "down the _ street", consider adding "tugging at her BLACK hair" (connects her to BLAcK driveway) or "tugging at her _(contrasting color) hair"; add more descriptive words and phrases to evoke the heat of the day infused in all things and the resulting languor of the girl. e.g. describe the car as slow-moving BECAUSE of the heat. Perhaps the girl would glance only "somewhat anxiously", the heat causing her to respond slowly even to matters of safety. However, the hints you've made that the girl has something pressing on her mind (daydreams, anxious, unable to retrieve a relaxed state of mind) are excellent foreshadowing of what is to come. I'd like to read something like,"She sighed heavily and dragged herself back inside the hot, waiting house." You could even use imagery to make the house or the heat represent her problem or her burden.