Reviews for A Shattered Fantasy
Kon Savage chapter 2 . 6/7/2004
Hey Requiem, I really like your fight scene and how well it flowed, going between characters (like sXsXb said a lot like Teen Titans at how fast paced it was.) Also Yasens chain was a refreshing switch from a sword (which are always good)and the way you described the monsters death was very realistic and made it easy to imagine. And I know just what your goin through rewriting the chapter 3 times, my first chapter I rewrote a bunch before I got it to a point I liked. Anyway Cutlass has covered pretty much any confusing parts of the chapter but overall a great job!
shyXshortieXbabe chapter 2 . 6/6/2004
OH this chapter sort of reminded my of a cross between the "Winding Circle" books by Tamora Pierce and the kid TVshow teen titans. I definitely like it. You're a brilliant writer and your fight scenes are amazing. I mean it was like I was watching a movie or the like. I could see it in my head. Very nice. What a dedicated author to rewrite three times. I'm glad to know I'm reading something you worked so hard on! Your efforts have truly paid off. WOww...this review is getting very long and I'm sure a person can only take so much of people saying how awesome they are. Well not always...but *shrug* I could always tell you how amazing you are when you write your next chapters...which I'm sure you'll do soon right? *hinthint* haha, just keep up the good work and update soon!
shyXshortieXbabe chapter 1 . 6/6/2004
Hey awesome first chapter. I mean it, this is one of the best I've read ever. (truly!) Well, I admire the way you keep up with all the characters and don't neglect any of them. I can get tough giving all the characters believably personalities, i know. I'd like to know more of what being a sorceress entitles _ haha maybe it's explained in the second chappie? yay off to read!
Cutlass chapter 2 . 6/4/2004
Well this chapter was certainly worth the wait! Awesome job with the fight scene, it was very clear and vivid and I loved how you included almost every single person in their little group. I must admit though, the changes in POV were at first a little startling - I'm used to reading action scenes told entirely from one perspective, but you handled it well. I like how Yasen used his chain as a sort of leash, and his 'slightly girlish shriek' was really funny. Locke was very brave and his actions were admirable, and you added a nice touch of realism with the fell-hound's dying shriek being so incredibly painful. Oh and your consistent references to the mud and the general wetness of the setting also contributed to the realism. But I was a little confused about Locke suddenly finding his sword in the mud - I wasn't aware that he'd lost it in the first place. Yasen's 'hey man' also seemed like a rather incongruous/strange 'all-clear' signal. Very fast-paced chapter though, well-written, and obviously very well thought out.
Nitpicky corrections:
"Wait. Meaty thud? Weight off of me? Where's the searing pain and bloody, messy death?" This thought struck me as bordering on doesn't seem very in-character for Hikari. Maybe just have her be generally surprised?
"He picked up the speed, running up the cart like a ramp, and launched himself powerfully off the end." Take out the 'the' in front of 'speed' and saying 'running up the cart like a ramp' made me think for a second that you were trying to say that Locke was a ramp. Maybe change it to 'running up the cart like it was a ramp'?
Kon Savage chapter 1 . 5/26/2004
Hiya Requiem, I read your review over at Cutlass's story and decided to check your story out for myself! Right now I think Fienne is probably the most interesting character in this story right now because out of the many stories I've read it's the first one with a Hikyuu in it, which immediately sets it apart from all the rest. And their names are all very different and defining. (except maybe Hikari's I think thats a name of a girl on a cartoon, but I could be wrong)
Constructively, parts of your story are kinda jumbled, especially during the fire but just minutely. maybe just read it over and straighten it out slightly. Also a little more interaction between the characters, some more dialogue and stuff would help.
Anyway overall it is a very good way to start your story and ending on a cliffhanger, with Hickari under the creature, will make people (like me) come back for more!
Cutlass chapter 1 . 5/26/2004
Awesome! Especially for a first story. _ I like how you introduced your story with two minor characters having a conversation and very effectively setting the scene and introducing the idea of the Academy. I liked Sannah's comment about how you could tell the time by Locke, that was funny. Your characterization is excellent, especially for just an intro chapter. Fienne is instantly intriguing, and I like how she's a different race. Locke and Yasen seem like the typical guy buds, and I thought it was hilarious how Locke got kneed. Hikari seems powerful and yet kind, nice touch with her finding her friend, it made the fire more immediate and dangerous. Also, nice description of her magical powers. By the way, I liked how you had the different colors of their clothes symbolizing the different professions of the four friends. Oh and you certainly don't waste time in getting right into the action! Vivid description of that creature thing, it certainly sounds really frightening. And this is sorta random, but that "strangely bladed chain" sounds really cool.

Anyway so I guess I have to include some nitpicky criticism stuff too, don't I? Grammar and spelling are almost flawless, the only really jarring thing that made no sense to me at all was this one sentence: "It was the that the young woman felt like kicking herself until she turned black and blue…" Also, when you're describing the Hikyuu you make a sudden shift to the present tense...if you wanted to do that to make it sound more informational and encyclopedic though, that's fine. This might be a silly suggestion, but maybe change your summary of the story? By the way you described it it sounded too much like a run-of-the-mill, cliche, friends go rescue the world story, and I certainly don't see it as such. Your characters are too dynamic for people to think this is going to be just another fantasy story!
Anyway so yeah, great job! You already have intriguing characters, strange villains, and a killer cliffhanger! Keep writing!