Reviews for For Love of Helen
burning in effigy chapter 1 . 6/3/2006
Interesting so far... I didn't really like "six years later thing," but that's just me... I don't know, it kind of disrupted the flow. Reminds me of the Iliad (maybe it's just the names.

I just get that "dun dun dun" vibe when I read the last section of this. What will happen next? Oh, the suspense. Ha..
skylines chapter 1 . 6/3/2006
Hi there! Thanks for the review, I love people who review and I want to give you a huge hug. Cliche? Well a little, but thats not a bad thing. This was kind of fast paced, and I for one, didn't feel very sad or understanding when the guy had to leave. You could have developed it a bit more. But the idea was good, and I encourage you to continue this.
Adaku chapter 1 . 6/3/2006
Hey, Thanks for reviewing NS. Your long and intresting story reminded me of something...but I forgot. so yeah. I quess this makes me your 76th reviewer of For Love of Helen. Keep up the great work. Till next time

waterhealer ~.:.~
Robin Siskin chapter 1 . 6/2/2006
I felt that this was very, very cliche. The little royal girls who are ALWAYS getting into trouble, but ALWAYS get away with it 'cause their dad is a really nice guy cliche has been done way too much. And then later, with the whole 'i have to join the army here have a necklace to remember me by' thing is just a little bit sickening.

I think the pacing was sort of bad. While you can't exactly show these girls growing up and still have a story of reasonable length, but if you find it neccesary to characterize their childhood, I think you should show it via flashbacks, instead of trying to cram it in at the beginning.

Also, you may want to do a bit more research on royalty and monarchies and stuff before just jumping into this. Even in a fictional world, it should be obvious that you know what you're talking about.
RuathaWehrling chapter 1 . 3/31/2006
Greetings! Thanks very much for your review of "Sirach". Allow me to return the favor. I'll comment as I read...

1.) "Ahem, correction." - The "ahem" just struck me as very informal, which might not not be what you really want for this work. I mean, a story's not like a diary entry or an email to a friend, you know?

2.) "“but not good enough.” and ran ahead." - That should be a comma after "enough", since the sentence continues.

3.) How old are Paris and Nell? Because the way they talk makes me think they're teenagers, but the way they act makes me think they're little kids. Which is it? Make the word choice and the actions match, please!

4.) "7-year-old Paris" - Write out "seven" and all other small numbers. Also, I repeat that Paris's choice of words doesn't seem to fit her age all the time.

5.) "Attempting hide his amusement by creasing his brow" - Why did you start a new paragraph here? It seems to match perfectly well with the previous one-sentence paragraph, so combine them.

6.) "Six Years Later: Bellehelen’s Annual Spring Ball" - Why not start a new chapter here? Jumping six years is certainly enough to warrent that!

7.) "The children, Henri noted amusedly, were certainly acting their age" - Actually, Menalie is about 15 now, right? That means she's old enough to know better. I understand if it was a LONG speech, that her discipline might break down, but right at the start?

8.) "Paris, noticing this, unobtrusively followed them, a little annoyed that she hadn’t been invited to join the two. Determined not to be left behind, Paris rose from her seat" - FIRST she follows them and THEN she rises from her seat? Better go take a look at this and avoid the redundancy!

9.) "Paris turned all of her attention on naive Hector" - WHAT? I thought she was already following her sister! Plot hole! Better go back and plug it up.

10.) "Darien, the same age as Menalie, was on the brink of his seventeenth year" - Umm... Are you sure this math works out? Paris is 7613 years old, and Nell is two years older than that...

11.) "Fire away! I love flames . . . I collect them and use them to set villages on fire." - HAHAHA! That's awesome!

Alrighty, so now on to the general review. It's hard to say much about the overall plot of this story, since not much has really happened. The main question I have is whether the start of the chapter, when they're young, is even worth having in. It's very well-written, so don't take it as criticism of your writing, but I don't know how much of an impact it'll have on the rest of the story. You, as the author, probably can answer that better than I can, so just think about it. (And yeah, I know how depressing it is to have to consider deleting a large section of your work... Ugh! But it's often worth it in the long run, I promise!)

Beyond that, your characters are good, at least what I know about them so far. I don't have a good impression of how Paris and Hector, especially, have changed in the interim six years, which makes their reactions to each other at the end a little rocky. It might be better if you could detail some "happy" conversation between the four kids BEFORE the little love scene in the garden splits them in two. You might also be able to foreshadow some of Nell and Darien's feelings for each other and show Paris's crush, if you do that.

Good job, and hopefully you won't be scared off by my long review! Keep writing! -Ruatha
Verus-nomen chapter 1 . 3/19/2006
Excellent begining to set up character, would like to see more character development, clear motive for the character's actions. Would like some insets of story between the boy's arrival and the Spring ball. Also, Paris's reaction doesn't seem to fit her character, give us a reason to believe her action. But a very good setup for some strong conflicts
chaos called creation chapter 1 . 3/12/2006
Yeah a bit too fast, and more detail is always good. I love cliches and the drama, and I can't help you much with the last one since my grammar is horrendous :) but the spelling looks top notch!

Don't consider this as a flame though. Those poor villagers!

Needa S chapter 1 . 3/11/2006
Very interesting, Nicely done. Thank you for the kind review.
It's Just A Face chapter 1 . 3/9/2006
im not really reviewing this peice...a ring of endless light is by : Madeline L'Engle. HIGHLY recommended. it made me look at life in a totally new way...and i LOVE romance :-) enjoy!
Aquafied chapter 1 . 3/9/2006
slightly cliche, but it can be turned.i have a love for stories based in kingdoms, but i dont think they would use words as "hey"a bit modern

and i think there was one typo, but the pace was perfectand drama is what keeps the blood flowing to the heart

Menalie was the sole focus of Darien’s attention tonight, and he of hers-only confusing part to me (typo or am i blind?)
crazy dog events chapter 1 . 3/4/2006
First of all, I'd like ot thank you for the fav. I'm truly flattered. On to the review!

I'm not one for romantic fantasy of this sort, but there's definately a market, and many people like it. As far as this genre goes, it's pretty good. The only thing I'm goign to coplain about is the witty banter between the two young girls the beginning of the story. It seemed uncharacteristic of seven and eleven year olds. other than that, pretty good.
Salt and Vinegar Pringles chapter 1 . 6/22/2005
I love your story, so much so that I would like to read more... nudge, nudge, wink, wink...
darknessblooms chapter 1 . 6/15/2005
Thanks for the review...I'm so glad you liked my poem...if you get a chance, check out the other chapters too. I posted my first free-verse poem. This seems like it'll become a very good story. It might be going a little bit too fast, maybe add in more details on how their relationships have grown and changed? Just more background info. I guess. But otherwise, good job! Can't wait to read more... )
CJM chapter 1 . 6/15/2005
Paris, Hector, I think I see a Greek connection...Anyway, it's not bad. Write more soon.

Sarah-Brighteyes chapter 1 . 6/12/2005
I very much enjoyed this piece. I think the pace was perfect. You kept me entrapped in the story from the beginging and you did not slow down, but niether did you go too fast where I was loosing the plot altogether. Just enough description in it I believe. Not cliche-ish at all, though sometimes they are hard to avoid. Not overly dramatic, perfect to be honest, you have simple elegance in the kiss and the right amount of drama with Paris. I cant wait to read more.
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