Reviews for Finding Nerissa
R. Ficst chapter 40 . 1/12
Charming characters and humorous writing. Lovely work : )
R. Ficst chapter 9 . 1/12
Oh boy. I am almost really hoping Nerissa ends up rescuing her captive family. Girl power!
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B. J. Winters chapter 33 . 3/13/2009
quick suggestion here would be to rework the openning paragraph. First line isn't enough of a hook (frankly its awkward: James and Malcolm waited for twenty minutes before the wind started picking up) and "she" - she who...remember that as a reader I might have paused between chapters. You need to ground me straight off with what I'm seeing and who the players are. Pronouns are not enough.

I liked how the "not human" stuff came out. James reaction was true to character
B. J. Winters chapter 34 . 3/13/2009
Your ending holds a bit of a contradition. I'm not sure when people actually leave (everyone in the room bid their fairwells...gilroy is last...but it could be clearer that there Carey is still in the room). And if Carey is able to hold eye contact with Gilroy, I don't think he's terror striken.

I liked Gilroy again in this chapter. Nice turns of phrase when you mention things like Gilroy being uncomfortable when Douglass smiles.
B. J. Winters chapter 35 . 3/13/2009
I particularly liked this line: “You seem to have a knack for running away,” Sergeant Tate said./“I intend to stop as soon as I am safe,” she said curtly.

The ending has a nice sense of chapter closure and sets the stage for what is to come. A reader can already sense that all is not what it might appear. I liked James' attitude and logical thought process.
B. J. Winters chapter 36 . 3/13/2009
I like this chapter and how the dialogue moved the plot forward. I think it's credible that they get out and walk - shows some forthought in sending the carriage ahead. The sense of intrigue is high and well developed.

Gilroy in particular I liked, along with his bows and "mute awestruck" description.

He grinned. “Well, then we have two things going for us: first, two minds are always better than one, and second, we’ll at least be able to keep eachother company.” {need a space - each other}

She almost smiled, and turned from the window. He supposed that was about the best he could ask for at this point. “And if, as you seem to think is so likely, Douglass’s employees pull us over and try to kidnap me again, what are you going to do to save the day?” {not sure who is speaking here. I believe it's N. but you have his POV wedged in. I'd move the He supposed sentence to the next line or delete.}
B. J. Winters chapter 37 . 3/13/2009
I loved the opening, with them walking and her breaking down. The relationship is done well and James' reaction plays true.

There just seems to be a bit too much melodrama for my taste. "Kill on sight"...and "kick him out of the house" - which is it? Something about this chapter with its paper restaining order just doesn't feel credible to me. Is she afraid or isn't she? Sleeping would not be my guess on what should happen next.
B. J. Winters chapter 38 . 3/13/2009
The dialogue in this chapter was good. I got to see the father's anxious demeanor clearly.

This line struck me as very whimpy: So the best he could hope for was sending Douglass away...hum...I think you could change it to a bit more powerful statement. As a reader, I'm not all that interesting in flipping the page to see him say "get out".

The ending line was tidy. Nice closure.
B. J. Winters chapter 39 . 3/13/2009
I read the last two chapters together, because I wanted to confirm my suspicion that this chapter began right where the other left off. Since it did, you need to set more stage: "he assumed that meant Lord Zephyr was finally awake and dealing with the situation" - what situation - I'm seeing James's perspective give me more details here.

You foreshadowed he left the door open (several times...), but I was incredibly disappointed that the final showdown was told from Nerissa's perspective after the fact. I think you really missed an opportunity for a dramatic climax. Even if you have Nerissa saving herself (and no dramatic rescue), I felt cheated to hear this essentially third hand.

denouement (spelling)
B. J. Winters chapter 40 . 3/13/2009
I thought that the dress/shoe discussion went on far too long. Given the chapter ending, the fact that he broke in and can see right away how she's dressed - if he's really interested - it would be the first thing, not the last thing mentioned. I'd either dramatically shorten the wardrobe discussion (maybe just toss the shoes) or remove it.

I liked how he broke in, (and that she taught him) and the chemistry at the end was well put together. Nice final line (although he's grinning, which felt repetitive. You might want to have him do something with his hands to add depth to the sexual tension).

Note in the drop down menus that you have Chapter 42, on the next chapter, rather than the epilogue/fairy tale. Just FYI.
B. J. Winters chapter 41 . 3/13/2009
You did a nice job setting the stage. The chapter has a soft feel with the voice of a storyteller. I liked the detail and visual images (born in winter, hair as dark as shale - born in sprin, temper like the sea).

I did notice that you have the action very focused. She's rocking him to sleep (first off I didn't get he was in a crib), next he's sleepy in a crib, next he's wiggling in a crib,...either he's awake, or sleepy (felt contradictory)...and I could see you breaking this up with her adjusting the drapes, tucking in his blanket, some other action that gives the reader variety without disrupting the flow. Same with her smiling...you say it several times...perhaps another expression, or a note that 'her smile remained' versus "she smiled" which implies she wasn't before.

Last son, eldest son...not sure if this is the same boy or not. Might want to be more specific.

It's cute.
Kyllorac chapter 4 . 3/11/2009
This chapter just felt out of place and rushed, especially near the end. I felt that Arthur acts too rationally for a broken and grieving man, and how does Seth know so much about Fairy magic? Also, stuffing details about Seth and his brothers and their families added to the rushed feeling.

As for feeling out of place, I'm left wondering where Jessica's capture falls time-wise relative to Nerissa's coming out party. Swapping chapters 3 and 4 ought to help lessen this feeling of discontinuity as the reader won't be as strongly expecting the events in Chapter 1 to have occurred many years before Nerissa's coming of age party.
Kyllorac chapter 3 . 3/11/2009
I spy plot! :D

Your pacing so far has been excellent. The first chapter clearly leads to the events in this one, and I really appreciated that you didn't go to absurd lengths to keep the secret a secret from the reader. Also, that you revealed the secret through Nerissa's POV was also enjoyed.

I felt that Nerissa's POV was a slightly rushed near the end, but considering the situation she's in, it's understandable.

This story is definitely going into my favorites. :3
Kyllorac chapter 2 . 3/11/2009
I like Gilroy's character. He's such a philanderer, and he's proud of it, though it's the fact that he's honest and unashamed of what he is that I find appealing (not so much the philandering). XD

Again, I adore your descriptions and narration. You intersperse tidbits of info on the world seamlessly with the action and character's thoughts/dialogue. Love love love!

This line in particular was my favorite: "Everyone knew that a girl couldn’t be called an adult until she had been kidnapped, threatened with death, valiantly rescued, and possibly ravished soundly a few times." The last line was a very close second, though. XD
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