Reviews for Shadow's Eidolon
Gilee7 chapter 5 . 7/6/2005
It has been awhile since I read the last chapter of this. I went back and skimmed over it just a bit to try and refresh my mind. Pretty good chapter here. You definitely give us that creepy atmosphere throughout the whole thing. Most of this is dialogue, but it's good dialogue, and it works. I remember saying this before, that the whole story feels like a play/movie, with the way that it's written. You never get deep with the writing, and you don't really give that many details, but you tell us just enough so that we have a clear picture in our minds as to what exactly is going on. It's a good story, good idea, very entertaining. Would definitely make a good movie.
DrenchedDrumTech chapter 7 . 6/15/2005
not bad.. much goodness! Glad to read some more or your wonderful writing. Let me know how you been! ;-)

Gilee7 chapter 4 . 6/4/2005
O, creepy! I enjoyed this chapter a lot. It was a welcome change from the previous two. You have a lot of missing commas in your story that make sentences read in ways they weren't meant to be read, but that can be overlooked. I'm actually starting to like the way you give the setting now. The story to me has that play/movie feel anyway, with the way it's written, never really knowing the characters' thoughts, only seeing what an onlooker would see. The end creeped me out a bit. I'm sitting in here in front of the computer at 4 am, the only person awake in my house. Having somebody come through the computer screen, although I know that's been done before, suddenly it kinda scared me since I'm sitting on front of one myself. So definitely a very good job on that! And good job on the overall chapter. It's by far the best one so far.
Gilee7 chapter 3 . 6/4/2005
Decent chapter with decent writing. The characters seem cliched as well as the overall idea. It's still enjoyable though. I think you handled everything well, giving an appropriate feel to this chapter. You know, reading this, I feel like I'm watching one of those cheesy old horror movies. It's a guilty pleasure kind of thing. Your story is fun and enjoyable. It's not trying to make us go wow or blow our minds or anything, it's just there to entertain, and it succeeds thus far.
Gilee7 chapter 2 . 5/30/2005
Hm ... I don't know what to think about this really. It's cool and fun to read I guess. The way it's written, wish so much dialogue, and with the way you choose to describe everything, it all reminds me of a play. But it's not a play, it's a story, so it's weird. At first I thought it was a bit confusing with so many people talking and stuff. I had a tough time really getting attached to the names and understand who's who. It got better as it went along though. Many, many grammatical errors that make the story read very awkwardly at times. I'll have to check out the other chapters at some other time.
Gilee7 chapter 1 . 5/30/2005
This is a super cool way to begin this story, although rather than having it as your prologue, I think you should have just put it at the beginning of the first chapter. But definately a very cool way to hook the interest of the reader and make them want to read this story.
vampindelibleink chapter 3 . 3/18/2005
Good development. I do wonder how the school students happen to be there, and why Claudia hasn't changed out of her uniform.
vampindelibleink chapter 2 . 3/18/2005
This is moving along really well. I've got two suggestions:

It would be best to streamline the first part with the school friends - just keep the after school scene - to have the bus one as well is repetitive - then you can straighten out what they need to say - so it's generally believed that there is a serial killer, most are spooked, for some reason Emily thinks there's something supernatural afoot (and this doesn't scare her), and there's an ache in Norma's heart (this should be more obvious, at least from her internal mental track).

The second suggestion is related to the first. There does need to be more description or explanation, but you could run this as Norma's internal dialogue - that would fit into your style, I think. You could intersperse some of Norma's thoughts/ observations in between the dialogue - what she knows about these people, the situation etc. But Norma's feelings should be apparent all the way through.
Arrow's Flight chapter 2 . 3/10/2005
Wow. Spooky. Still hooked. . . Poor Norma, what's going to happen to her. Who is the Death Crawler? A sprit, a ghost, human. Who knows?

Happy writing

-Arrow's Flight-
Arrow's Flight chapter 1 . 3/10/2005
Wow! Okay. . . I'm hooked. Nice Narrative hook,a nd you don't kill anybody. Awesome. The syle is great.

Can't wait to meet the characters. . .

The title is neat too.

-Arrow's Flight-

Wishing you free of writer's block
Shadowofaman chapter 7 . 10/10/2004
Well, I loved this story a lot. I can see your writng improving with each chapter, this last one being the best.
I like the word "stabbing the key into the ignition," it gives a sense of urgency. I also liked the dialogue with the living victim and that the D.C.P. can hurt people with its voice, and the victim calling Hughes an angel.
I think the final confrontation could be expanded, and that's my only complaint.
Musings: Who IS Death crying for? WHo/what is the little girl?
Well, I really liked this, and I'm going to read your animal fantasy next, so keep up the good work!
Shadowofaman chapter 6 . 10/10/2004
Sorry it took so long for me to get back to this, I was really busy finishing chapter nine of "1399," which is now up.
I liked this chapter because of the hints at what's happening and some of the answers. I also liked the rhyme that the Black Eyed Girl says at the beginning.
The only thing I would say is "wrong" is a small thing, I think that the whole "in her little girl's voice" could be reworded or removed, because it's obvious. Maybe in a sing-song voice? Also, the first sentence of "at Hugh's office" that describes how the officer says that is too long without pause. Plus the parts with double quotes inside of dialogue should have single quotes or be in italics. And the thoughts should be in italics if it's more than the "
Shadowofaman chapter 5 . 8/19/2004
Okay, I liked that chapter the most out of the story. Is this finished? If so I'm getting close to the end, only a few more chapters, and I'm anxious to see how this will be resolved.
The one mistake I saw was that you used the actual numbers for a number in the narration, which should be spelt out, a few times and you used "13yrs" which should be "years" and separated from the number.
In all, I think this story might sound better from a past tense-you might want to try that out sometime, just to see, perhaps for the first chapter. Some stories work with it, some don't, this one just sounds kind of "off" with it.
I'll be reading and reviewing the next chapter or two tomorrow, as I have to go write some more "1399," so keep up the good work!
Shadowofaman chapter 4 . 8/17/2004
That was a good chapter too, a balanced emtional and plot chapter. I'm interested in seeing what the D.C.P. is.
I loved the Cassandra blows kisses at the screen, throws up blood, and final few lines.
Again, keep up the good work!
Shadowofaman chapter 3 . 8/17/2004
Ugh, I just tried to submit a longer version of this review but FP couldn't connect to it, so I'll be brief (because my temper's flaring):
-I liked this chapter much more than the first, the descriptions of people and what's going on are good
-I think your main problem is adding feelings, and mood and such to the end of the first chapter, to draw out the suspense
-Only mistake: "He was...a sadist," the girl looks away. "That's what I was told anyway. That he did drugs and cut himself...he's one of those "Goths", you know?" The Goth part should be in single quotations, as you're not supposed to use double inside of dialogue.
-Musing: Hmm, sounds like we have a shape-shifting phantom that takes the form of it's victims on our hands.
Keep up the good work!
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