Reviews for The Violin
Kaia Zeffirelli chapter 1 . 5/9/2006
that was absoutely beautiful! you have major talent! if you plan on continuing, please do! :)
Neshomeh chapter 1 . 12/9/2004

I'm sorry for taking so long to get to your story. It's really quite good. The only things I'm going to point out are easily fixed and, with practice, will cease to appear in your future writings.

First, and I know other people have mentioned this, please do something to set flashbacks aside from the present. Italics work wonders.

Second, "omit needless words." There were a few places I noticed some redundancy. For example:

"... she would be the youngest member ever to belong to the group at the youthful age of 18."

You don't need to say "youthful" here-saying that she would be the youngest member and stating her age would be enough.

"When her name had finally been called to go in..."

This seems a bit clunky, probably because you're using a passive voice, i.e., "had been called." Try: "When they finally called her in..."

Third, avoid passive voice, full stop. It took me a long time to get the hang of this! In a nutshell, the word "had" is your enemy unless you're talking possession.

Fourth, when a new voice speaks, you always need a new line. The following paragraph needs to be broken up:

'"Are you Christy Harper, miss?" "Yes. What is the problem?" "It's your mother. I'm sorry." "My mother! What has happened?" "She has been involved in a head on collision with a semi-truck. Unfortunately she did not survive." Life is a song and love is the music, but from that moment on, the song of Christy's life had stopped.'

Perhaps like this:

'"Are you Christy Harper, miss?"

"Yes. What is the problem?"

"It's your mother. I'm sorry."

"My mother! What has happened?"

"She was involved in a head on collision with a semi-truck. Unfortunately, she did not survive."

Life is a song and love is the music, but in that moment the song of Christy's life stopped.'

That's all I've got for you. I hope you don't mind the red pen treatment too much. { ) Honestly, I only resort to it when I don't have comments about the content itself. The emotion and character came across well, for all the technical gobbledy-gook. I liked your story, so you got the editor. _~

Yours truly,

Lauderdale chapter 1 . 12/4/2004
This was an amazing story, one of the best music pieces I've read on this site. I was very close to crying.

I appreciate people who know what they're talking about, especially when it comes to their instruments. So, whether you researched for this or actually play the violin, or whatever, just know that the detail made it special.

However, there are some odd elements from a reader's point of view, such as the flashbacks. They're not that confusing, but it takes a second for someone to think, "Okay, I'm reading a flashback." Maybe you can italicise them in the future, or put a page divider in between just to give a visual heads-up.

Another thing I found awkward was the dialogue. There is nothing wrong with trying to make your characters have a distinct voice, but part of a writer's job as an artist is to make it flow and sound natural.

"My mother! What has happened?" This just doesn't seem like a natural response to me, and it's all in the way it's typed. Try, "My mother? What do you mean? What happened?"

And that's it. I hope you continue to post here, because you seem like you have a lot of potential.
Dr. Cello chapter 1 . 9/6/2004
I enjoyed it... at times, there was some confusion of tense. The present and the past became difficult to separate, and at first especially, this was confusing.
lebuffle chapter 1 . 8/24/2004
Thanks for your review. Well, here's your critique, as requested:
A very uplifting piece - well done. Your musical knowledge shines through the writing - did you research this or do you play the violin yourself? This information is very effective and makes these parts of the story seem more real, even through the most basic facts, such as the names of the violin strings. As a 'cellist, I can personally relate well.
"That would prove to be the last time Christy would ever see her mother alive." - an unexpected twist. I like how you've written it this way to make it seem more dramatic.
"The time has come for me to pass this violin on to you, my girl! For it is only fitting that the world's best violinist have the most amazing instrument in existence. This violin, was made by the great Stradivarius himself, and there aren't many left of its kind. Considered to be one of the best violins in the world, it is only fitting for a child prodigy such as yourself to own it!" - This was nicely written, but at this point I was unsure of which character was saying this line. It can be assumed that it was Jenny, although the language she uses to speak to her daughter here seems a little too complex. In "You see Christy, this is the E string, the A, the D, and the G." Her mother's porcelain finger pointed to each of the violin strings as she said their names a loud. "Now let's see if you can say them.", she speaks to Christy simply as a child. In this case, Jenny may or maynot have been speaking more to reassure herself than to Christy, but try to keep your characters' use of language towards each other consistent. This then can reveal to the audience other factors, such as how old the child Christy is, and the sort of relationship she has with her mother.
" of the most difficult pieces ever composed. Her completion of this song had been widely broadcast, as she was only one of 5 people in the nation who were talented enough to play it flawlessly." I'm not too sure about this part. These facts do not present an action or a happening in the story, but are merely facts. I cannot picture this in my mind in the same way that I can picture the rest of the story, as the wide broadcasting of Christy's success must have been a major event for her, yet it appears to be slotted in as a small, supporting fact ('oh, and by the way...'). Try here to expand upon Christy's experience, even if only a little. You could give Christy an opinion of it and relate it to her audition to make it relevant to the current storyline.
A query regarding Jenny's letter - the fact that the paper was slightly yellowed conveys that the letter was very, very old (50 years), when in fact, it was written ten years ago. I like your use of language to represent age - this is very effective, but keep it realistic.
You've produced a fine piece of work with an excellent overall atmosphere with good use of writing techniques. Try to expand upon your characters' personalities and keep the scenes flowing continuously without breaks in order to further improve the realism of the piece.
A very touching piece of writing; you've made an excellent effort. Well done!
Zainab chapter 1 . 8/17/2004
Wow! That was very good, a story, but a poetic story in its writing. This is good stuff.
DarkSorceress chapter 1 . 8/14/2004
Excellently written, a great price altogether. I like the story behind it, and the flow of the words. One thing however, write out numbers as words.
Keep Writing
Leilani chapter 1 . 8/12/2004
Hey there. This is a really nice short story, and the ending was inspiring. I especially liked how she plays through the entire song past the point where she was originally stopped. Your sentence structure is good too, and you used description and metaphors quite well. My only suggestion is, instead of writing an event-by-event explanation of what has happened throughout the character's life, you could mix it up and tell parts of the story with dialogue or with the character's direct thoughts. Hope that makes sense. Good job and keep writing!
Life Love Sanity chapter 1 . 8/12/2004
yay! that was awesome! I'm guessing it was a one-shot, but either way, it was awesomely awesome, please post more! weather it is a continuation of this story or a new one, I don't care! lol but this was great!
oh and, I'm trying to get the Light in the Dark story going, but its kind of hard because I have one story I'm getting through (Weathers of Change) a second that I have no idea what to do with (Life in the South) and I'm about to start a third (My life according to me) which will take top most priotirty once Weathers of Change is done (which will be soon) you can feel free to check out some of my other works, but choose wisely because you might like something that isn't gonna change anytime soon, hehe but thanks for reviewing and I'll let you know when I decided to do a Light in the Darkness story! Adios!
~Life, Love Sanity
Captain of the Guard chapter 1 . 8/12/2004
-sits and stares with mouth agape- Wow. That was so brilliantly beautiful. I don't know what to say. Bravo! Very well done! I am impressed! I hope you write some more things - you have incredible talent.
this is britt chapter 1 . 8/11/2004
This was beautifully done. I loved it. Have you ever seen "The Red Violin"? It's a good movie- but violins, violins are gorgeous creations. I used to play them. God I love them! :) Keep writing
IcyDevil27 chapter 1 . 8/10/2004
I have to tell you I almost cried reading this piece. It was really beautifully scripted and flawlessly played out. I'm really speechless, I'm not sure what to say. Excellent work.
musicianmke chapter 1 . 8/10/2004
I read you story after reading your review of my poem. I was interested... actually because you read my poem and not my novels, which are all about music and the violin. :) Please check them out. They're historical too, which I see you like.
This is a wonderful story. For a young writer, you have a clear voice. I'd like to hear more about how close she was with her mother. There, that's my constructive criticism.
SomeGhol chapter 1 . 8/10/2004
This is an interesting piece. You do a good job in bringing Chisty to life, and in letting the reader understand her reaction to the violin.
That, and your spelling and grammer is better than 90% of what is posted on Fictionpress. By that alone you should be commended!
Two things that struck me.
First was the intro. This is only my opinion, but I thought it took a little long to let the readers know just *what* was in the corner. Perhaps a hint to let us know that there was no giant, flesh-eating dust bunny crouched in wait would be in order;)
Second was the ending. I loved the way you had her play through the section where she had stopped ten years before! It was very moving (I love music, and understand the power it has over people) and more to the point, it fit very well with the over all theme of the story.
Nicely done!
*Note- Sorry for any poor spelling that might have made it into this review. I'm a slave to MS spell checker...
LunaSilverthorn chapter 1 . 8/10/2004
hey, you asked me to review this and i read it. its great. its got a real passion and a real feeling throughout, and the message of music is inspiring. it realy is wonderful. its got a sadness to it that only helps pronounce the joy she feels at the end. i like it alot. keep writing. you have skill and talent.
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