Reviews for The Search
aiur chapter 12 . 8/19/2004
haha do i ever take a long time, huh? me very very VERY sorry i didn't finish this when i said i would. my volunteering and my cousins' visitation are taking over my life, hehe. anyways, to the actual reviewing. i like it so far - you've got the entire reaction to leukemia down pat and everything, and it's really natural and believable. but i will say the beginning moves a little quickly. and i loved reading about her friends and parents, mainly because it's so realistic. *thumbs up* ... one thing - in this chapter, when you're doing the A Walk To Remember summary, you're messing up your tenses. it should all be in past/present tense; your choice. but you can't alternate. also, throughout this entire story you sometimes flip the POV you're writing in. it can be a really great writing tool, but not if you only switch for like one paragraph. but i know you're not writing this for any xritica, analysis or anything, so bottom line is good job ) it's an improvement.
~k8
Amara the Warrior chapter 4 . 8/19/2004
Wow, great story! By the way, thanx for reviewing my songfic! I didn't know it was that good.
beatnikpoetic chapter 11 . 8/16/2004
such a strong attention to detail provoking so many highs and lows of emotion and related description as to the trials and tribulations of the character's battle. i stand truly moved and endlessly impressed.
Fallen Oblivion chapter 11 . 8/13/2004
I got a little lazy so I'm reviewing the last two chapters together. You seem to have a good knowledge of Leukemia and Bone Marrow Transplant, that always helps with a story. I like Allyson's character, she symbolizes the innocent youth encountering the harsh realities of life. Well thank you for the review, I appreciate it.
Michaela chapter 10 . 8/13/2004
Poor Allyson~ Life just seems to be gettin worse n worse 4 her, dont it? i wondr wuts wrong with her... good job so far...keep writin!
tyliu chapter 1 . 8/12/2004
really neat...*wide-eyed* tho u just HAD to catch me on the 9th chapter (how long r u planning to make this?)...lucky for both of us that i've finished summer school! ok - i'm getting off the point. tho this is all english w/ grammar and other technicalities...i'm just going to be lazy (iono how long this will get) and get to the points. neways here goes:
nice descriptions whether of character or setting...easy to visualize. try to 'show' a bit more rather than 'tell' though, like w/ allyson's friends when they interact. one example - rather than saying 'pretty' - maybe give a metaphoric description. or with kelsey - rather than talk about how she looks, EVOKE (not drill off to the reader - u wouldn't want to patronize them as if they were lil kids and needed explanations for everything) that 'all the boys spoke of her in hushed tones; fawned at her feet' etc. u could also show some of their mannerisms w/ each other as compared to other adults...its generally quite distinct interacting between age-groups...and the awareness of this distinction or even being able to see and discern and understand/relate to this disctinction depends on each individual reader.
example in the 1st chapter, rather than telling 'she wasn't ready for it' and 'she didn't want to let go of the carefree days'. not saying that its not great - but maybe...evoke the memories of her friends in their carefree days...like 'she just barely kept herself from laughing aloud in the dark from the not-long-ago memory of (o...iono...kelsey and patrick spilling lemonade on each other...or on the brink of shock and swearing and their first fight...)' and maybe a shopping experience where the sales clerk went beef-red at the amount of stuff while the girls burst out laughing (quite uncharacteristically). and then for gr 11 itself...talk about how she watched some of her friend's older siblings 'suffering' from summer school...that sort of thing. and as for 'dating' did she ever date before? what new experiences came around here? first kiss (was it gross or strange or what)?
rather than narrating such-and-such, maybe present some activities they do as normal hobbies before allyson's black-out. same w/ he statement of her parents' 'over-protectiveness' - maybe u could add to the scene showing her parents fussing about really minute details of welfare that seem (to allyson, and also to the reader in relating to allyson) pointless or repetitive and irk to one's sense of independence.
really great pacing of the story - keep me going, wondering what happens...more more more... this is in my experience of writing - but its easy for me to slip into details of description or memory and wallow into it (so my stuff like when i was younger really sucked)...but rather, when i write, personally, i have to keep reminding myself to "keep the reader panting after me" or else i'm afraid someone would eventually get kinda bored witless from the slow pace of the story - "its not going anywhere!" (this is for my own stuff - u can judge what degree u want to follow this to. eg. tolkien was really slow in this regard in his lord of the rings cuz he wasn't telling a story or allegory, but he was creating a world and a full history timeline and chronicles.)
whoa...this is long...ya. about other 'surprises' (u know what i mean) ;) up to u how discreet u want to make it... i dun want to comment any further for fear of spoilers, but up to a point its almost blindingly obvious. again - it depends on the reader...
i'm personally developing a fantasy saga (5 trilogies!) at the moment - gonna plunge in and start the writing pace like...today or tmr when i have time. one of my characters is a normal farmboy who over the course of time finds out that he's not only a bastard but the son of a high-lord of the other race in the world. the 1st trilogy at least is of his journey to claiming his [magnificent, i might add] inheritance and name, but at the same time, there are also his long-lost younger siblings: a brother and a sister.
for now i'll just say that the three of them have been together with 2-3 others as close friends...so it's pretty touchy on how i'm going to take their relationships and work it around...touching upon and yet hiding completely (meaning i want the hidden past to be possible, but totally unexpected for the reader) that climatic possibility. what would happen - if say they're adults and two fall in love w/o realizing that they were actually long-lost siblings due to a past that they don't remember cuz of a memory block?
another of my characters...well - working w/ her has been a really rich experience...what with mysteries and developments and what-not. at the same time, although it is my goal to wing open the locked and bolted, closed, shuttered gate of her secrets, i have to content myself with keeping her a silent figure so that no one suspects anything. in this way, she can remain an arcane mystery that itself so far is shrouded (keeping my mouth COMPLETELY shut and not hinting anything strange or "she thought back..." - eg allyson's mom at the end of that chapter) for the first few trilogies cuz if i say anything more beyond that - even little hints that will hint at the strange hidden stuff - ppl will catch on that something's not right, the storyline and attention for other characters that get the first go will drag and get distracted, and the surprise when it comes won't be such a glorious surprise anymore. (i compensated both to her and others w/ her and myself by giving her her own trilogy - the 4th, which has already become my favourite...but ya, gotta finish the first 3 first) if u dun get any of this (i know this is long) - then email and i'll try to explain a bit more.
well...that should be enough... otherwise its REALLY REALLY good. *pat on the shoulder and round of standing ovation*
good luck and best wishes! *hugz* keep writing lots ok? its still technically not near gr 11 for both of us yet (and i certainly hope and pray neither of us or anyone feels sick on the first day of school), and...well our senior years are inevitable so we may as well plunge in and enjoy it while it lasts - and hope that it will somehow form a life of its own, refresh and carry us through the mundane studies!
wish me luck too! love lots,
tyliu
Dystorque chapter 9 . 8/12/2004
Wow. What a chilling tale, at the same time so full of closeness. :( Poor girl.
Michaela chapter 9 . 8/12/2004
Very nice~ 2 bad that 2 of Allyson's frends ditched her though. Nice descriptions n keep up da good work~ thanx 4 ur review too!
Fallen Oblivion chapter 9 . 8/12/2004
Chemo sucks! I unfortunately know several ppl in my family who had cancer and went through chemo. I have sympathy for Allyson even though she is a character. I like the way your story is turning out.
Fallen Oblivion chapter 8 . 8/12/2004
I feel bad that two of Allyson's friends rejected her; it seems that they have no true compassion. I am glad though that the remaining four are there for her.
Kay2DaTee chapter 3 . 8/11/2004
Wow...I have to pick up later, but I love this story so far. You've got talent, thanks for commenting on my story too!
Fallen Oblivion chapter 7 . 8/9/2004
*cries* This is a really sad chapter. I'm curious what her parent's aren't telling her...
Fallen Oblivion chapter 6 . 8/7/2004
Aw, poor Allyson. This isn't going well, is it? I'm glad her friends are there for her, I wonder what she will do when she has to tell them that she has leukemia?
Sandy chapter 1 . 8/7/2004
Well-written _ Can't wait for more! (Naw.. It's a sad story _
Celine chapter 1 . 8/7/2004
Very nice. im not sure what exactly the point of this story is, but the writting style is great! thanks for your review on my *song*! well, its good, i like it, keep up the good work!
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