The first paragraph was good and bad at the same time. What time the library closes isn't important to the story. Just have them get there and find it closed, then show them waiting on the steps or something. The bit about baby-sitting the ten year old baby was was good, and funny. Sounds like experince talking.

You need a plot. Right now, nothing is happening. It's just random events. I also find it strange that a king would let two of his daughters just wander off like that. Unless he knew they were going riding, you'd think he'd have people out looking for them. And even if he did know, unless his kingdom was exceptionally safe, he'd probably insist that bodyguards go along. Here's a tip: think about all of the possible consequences of what you show in the story, and how the various characters will react. For example, if Lyon is mean to someone on a regular basis, that someone will be a lot less likely to be helpful and friendly when she needs a hand. If they are, it'll seem strange, and you'll have to explain why they are. Just something to think about.

1) Mr. Sanders is a pretty bad story teller. For one thing, he wouldn't tell the kids how to pronounce the names of the characters, he'd just say them. Putting pronunciation guides after each new word breaks up the story. Put your author notes at the end of each chapter. As it stands, we don't need to know how these names are pronounced. You're giving us more info than we need. 2) Don't sell Chisore so hard. Sanders tells us it's beautiful twice in te same breath. It's one thing for you to want us to like Chisore, but quite another for you to lead us by the nose to that attitude. 3) Perfect places are boring. So are perfect characters. Give Chisore and Lyon faults. For example, you mentioned that Chisore had broad plains and abundant wildlife. Maybe the land is rich, but lacks natural barriers, and so Chisore has to go to war often to preserve it's indepenence. High taxes are needed to support the military, which hurts the economy and makes people (some of them anyway) unhappy with the royal family. Lyon might be shy, or forgetful, or a bit lazy, or unlucky (always getting caught while her sisters get away with all kinds of mischief). Like I said, it doesn't have to be much, and it'll make her more real. After all, everyone has faults.

hey this is an okay story, u should write more :-)

This was a really fun story to read, I look forward to reading more! _ One suggestion, however, is that whenever a new person is talking, you should start a new paragraph. I found myself getting lost at times, but I made it through. Good job over all, and keep writing!