|Reviews for Into The Abyss|
| nacay chapter 1 . 6/6/2005
ok i can't give you constructive critisimum ( is that how you spell that. ) b/c i suck at editing and i loved the story you told! very well done. it worded perfectly. great job!
| 123456789gone chapter 2 . 8/16/2004
Ahh, Cheli. I'm back again. I said I would be.
I'll go through this stanza by stanza. Sorry to cut it up, but it's easiest.
Into the abyss I go; Good semi-colon use.
The abyss of mystery. Note the capital letter.
Into the abyss I fall, Use a comma rather than a semi-colon.
Into the unknown,
Into the dark.
The second stanza is fantastic, except you need to split the last two lines from the rest of the stanza. That way, the stanza follows a regular form, which is necessary for the italics to work properly. It also puts a greater emphasis on the two split lines, which is important.
Possibly think about turning those two split lines into the following:
I fall, I fall;
I think it just works a touch better.
Good punctuation on the following stanza.
Next stanza: don't overuse the semi-colon. It should be a period in the first line. It causes the reader to make an emphatic pause. Possibly too many commas in the middle couple of lines. Again, a period after "was wrong". A comma rather than a semi-colon on the following line.
A semi-colon rather than a comma before "watching". No comma after "headed". Nice line layout there. I like the "Stop me." on it's own line.
"This is for you" should have a period at the end. No comma after "wind". Split the last two lines off to create this:
Into the abyss,
I think that is everything. Enjoy.
| 123456789gone chapter 1 . 8/13/2004
I'm going to keep this review fairly technical to try and help you improve your style.
When you first look at this poem, it seems really daunting to read. This is because the poems has not been broken up into stanzas. I would be inclined to put a break between lines 6 & 7, as well as between 12 & 13. And so on throughout. You get the idea.
As well as this, there seems to be a slight misuse of punctuation. For example, in the first line you have "Into the abyss I go,". Consider changing the comma to a semi-colon. It implies a slightly different meaning. A comma indicates that the two clauses are connected, a semi-colon indicates that one is dependant on the other. It's subtle but important.
The italics work well. I like that. If you were to use that with multiple stanzas, it would look really good as well as being much easier to read.
I like the absence of rhyming scheme and a varying line length. With content such as this, having such a regimented style is too limiting.
There are some nice examples of vocabulary use within this work, particularly ones such as "Hesitant" and "frozen". You've done well by not falling into the trap of using the title word right through the poem, but only at the beginning and the end. This way, the poem both makes sense and does not appear repetetive.
If you want some more advice, or just want to chat, please feel free to drop me an email.
This is good stuff. Keep it up.