Reviews for A Demon's Dream
Aracaya Ruby chapter 1 . 9/8/2004
This is a really good start. I think that maybe you could have devloped the characters a bit more because its the first impressions that count, but i can't wait to read more and see how things progress. Keep up the good work!
shandie chapter 3 . 9/5/2004
This story is defiantly intriguing and I would love to read more, but I never have the time. I found the interactions between the characters well written and the plot is interesting. Parts made me smile and laugh and that’s always a good thing.
Anyway… nitpick time:
~ ‘Mieri leaned over hands on knees, gasping.’ – This should have a comma after ‘over’.
~ ‘…the echoes of footsteps…’ – ‘the’ should have a capital letter.
~ ‘It was rather large. Grotesque pictures decorated the wall. A huge canopy bed took up most of the room. It had silk sheets and feather pillows.’ – You’ve used so many short sentences that it gets annoying after a while. Try adding some of them together.
~ ‘Rylee cocked his head and grinned. "Poor Mieri. I'm sorry. I must have forgotten which chest you were in." Of course, there was only one chest in the entire room.’ – Burst into laughter at this point.
One other thing – Rylee’s character has been well defined, but Mieri and Kyri are too similar. It’s like either of them could have played Rylee’s love interest, and the other could have been the objector.
All in all, this was a great chapter and you really have great talent for mixing in humour to the plot and not letting it down. I’ll be looking forward to reading the next chapter once I’ve got chance.
shandie chapter 2 . 9/2/2004
I liked this capter and couldn't find any spelling or grammar mistakes. Really enjoyed reading it but am quite busy at the moment so I won't be able to review the other chapters until later.
Arae Mi chapter 1 . 8/30/2004
Hm...this is pretty good. You should check up a bit on your grammar though, and your sentence flow. Otherwise, good beginning. Won't mind if you check out my fic...;)
shandie chapter 1 . 8/30/2004
Now that it’s been placed in chapters, I felt able to read it properly (wow, that makes me sound like an idiot). This was a good beginning, definitely interesting and I want to read more. You’ve inserted good humour without annoying the reader and managed to create a strong plot.
You wanted critiquing so here I go:
~ 'It might grow, but it's strong enough now.' - 'It may continue growing...' would be better as it's easier to follow.
~ 'It is vital that she regard you as a friend' - regards.
~ -We are going to get in so much trouble! Seventeen-year-old Kyri walked stiffly through the crowd surrounding her. They're gonna see right through us!' - Is she thinking this, saying this? You need to make it clearer.
~ 'Bobbed' – Use bowed for the second one – gives a bit more variation.
~ ‘"Ahem!" a priest struggled slowly up to the front of the temple. Finally, he reached the altar.’ – ‘Finally’ doesn’t seem to fit in here – it’s too abrupt. Try writing something like ‘After what seemed like forever, he finally reached the altar.’
~ ‘"'This place is way too small for that!'" Kyri mocked her friend.’ – This is probably me being naïve (or thick) but what do you mean?
~ ‘"If I don't leave out of here with everything I now own- and I mean everything- you are so dead!"’ – The first part of the sentence is confusing. Lose ‘out of ‘.
~ ‘"Oh, I'm sure that one will have more than enough life essence for
children in the future. He'll just take a closer look at his partner next time," Mieri wore a very
self-satisfied grin.’ – Nothing wrong with this sentence but the way it’s shown on the screen.
Overall this was a great chapter and I’ll be back to review the rest. However I’m quite busy so I’m just going to review a chapter a day. I like the characters you've created and the curious plot.
Also when I suggested putting it into chapters I also meant to release them every so often, rather then all at once. This isn’t for any specific reason other then (again) ten chapters is daunting for a reader. Try releasing one every couple of days and you should get more reviews.
(Bare in mind that all I’ve written is just advice. These suggestions are from my point of view and if you choose to follow them it’s your choice. Basically I mean don’t send flames if you get pissed or my suggestions don’t work out.)