OMGOMGOMG I LOVED this chappie! So GOOD!

Oh wow! I can't believe she kissed Conor! I totally wasn't expecting that!

Really good!

Aw! Smith Smith is cute!

Such a cool story!

I am completely in love with Jacklyn. Her characterization is a tad over the top, but she retains just enough humanity to draw the reader in. She's a bitch, not to be petty or cruel, but merely because that's who she is. I have a friend like Jacklyn, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for her because while she may talk shit about me to my face, I know she's never doing it behind my back.

The story does need some tightening, though. There are some phrases that don't quite sit right, or where you're meaning/imagery is fuzzy. However, I think you're off to a great start and I am very excited to see where you take this story. And your heroine rocks my polka-dotted socks.

Some phrases seem muddled... "Sometimes I blame it on the drug use of her youth, but mostly" and a few other places.

The story: The voice could use some tightening. Disheveled, probably because of your presumed updates. Imagery skips around a bit, and the dialogue tends toward unbelievable at certain points. This is an all-guys academy; you may stretch the imagination only so far with on-the-spot witticisms.

Take a little time developing; the problem with taking such a poetic approach is that any "normal" prose is going to come as an unexpected shock.

Anyway, you don't need me to point out the great creativity and flow in most of your work.

WONDERFUL!

I liked this story. I pulled up a review thing in chapter 2, but I'll keep adding comments as I flip through the chapters. One big thing I notice is the quick jumps you use to change topics-Jacklyn to Smith2, Smith to the boys, the boys to drunkenness, then songs then sex. But it can be a little sudden. Or, maybe I'm just reading too fast.

You have a great way of inserting random half-liners-not even one-liners, just a phrase or pair of words that absolutely hilarious if you stop a second to notice. But, since your words say so much, it'd probably help the readers if you kept more of your sentences short.

Holden was just a hungover moron, but they get drunk and she says he's her equal...but did the readers see that fully? Conor seemed like a wannabe, and suddenly he's holding his own (for a few minutes) in the bedroom. But later she says he's making himself up as he goes along-that part of the chapter, he makes the most sense as Conor.

Make sure you go back later and rewrite the first few chapters, since the characters develop more fully in the author's mind as chapters pass, and you want to make them real/realistic in the beginning too.

I'm looking forward to more. Jacklyn's amazing. A bitch, but there's nothing wrong with that.

Hah. Random note: I'm hiding out at the back of a random classroom typing this, and it's not much of a quiet keyboard; a darling all-American bimbo just asked, "Do we have mice?"

Hey there, saw your story on the Beta Readers forum and thought the title looked interesting. I was right! So far it seems great. Jacklyn is unapologetically rude and antagonistic. In a church...didn't call /him/ back...oh, I like her. Can't wait to read more. This was a very short chapter, but it introduced her pretty well.

This is getting more amazing with each new page. There is personality dripping from every sentence. I'm liking the alliance of the groups so far. Kind of ironic, though. The two artists, the two revolutionaries, and the lech, all in their own places. And yes, you can use that phrase as much as you want.

Thanks for the Holden fix, and if what I'm guessing is going to happen, I'm intrigued. However, on the probable chance that I'm dead wrong, I'll keep my shut :p

hahah I got the also thanks to...

i love little Jack Jack.

She makes me smile.

I think she's like the girl we're all friends with but if we didn't know them as well as we did we'd probly hate her.

Just a thought.

...shoot.

I think I'm the Jacklyn of my friends...

shit.

hahahhaa.

UPDATE SOON!

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

PLEASE!

I think you're doing a good job with the unlikeable main character. I never would have used that word myself, but I have had a hard time really sympathizing with Jacklyn. She's SO intense in everything she says and does, so she's not really one that I can relate with. But that just makes it more interesting to me. I get to see the world through someone else's eyes for once. The tattoo was an interesting touch, and I'm intrigued by that.

Nice job with this chapter!

nice chappie. is galileo gay? and does holden have a crush on her? I would LOVE to have the answers to these important questions

Wow, what an excellent chapter. Dare I say it's the best installment of this story you've ever written? I just might.

The tattoo reveal was suprising; but it fit Jacklyn to a tee. The last time you published this story I'd actually kind of assumed she had one that hadn't been mentioned.

And Holden is adorable; but I hope he's not planning on competing with Connor. Because I just can't support that, haha. It was interesting to see the real side of Galileo, he retained his character but didn't seem to be such a parody of himself and the genre of boys he comes from.