Reviews for Circles of Arven
Alteng chapter 10 . 12/22/2008
I read both these chapters together, so if the last review is a little off, sorry about that. I am trying to separate them in my mind. The angst thing was a big thing to me.

It seems funny that Julia is the one to bring him out of this because of the short time they had spent together. I would have thought that Lakus. I guess because she does appear in his mind, she had made quite an impression upon him.

I like how Fenris, who has lived a thousand years, doesn't have all the answers either, and he needs the advice of another. I hate those wise know it all characters.

I feared that Ranor and his band of bandits would have raided the wood elves while Azuren was gone, but he did get a bit of luck in that one.
Alteng chapter 9 . 12/22/2008
It was good to see that Azuren didn't take this as if it was an everyday thing. This was a good show of angst on his part over somrthing that most people have fantasy characters shrug off.

The dialogue was good in this one unlike some of the other scenes you have done where there is so much modernism in it.
MagicWords chapter 1 . 12/21/2008
You have a lot of really good description! It is seriously awesome.

Keep up the good work.
Written chapter 35 . 12/20/2008
the darkenin sounds pretty freaky. eep.

and azuren is really humanized by the girl problems he's had the past few chapters. I think that really adds to his character and makes him more likeable :)

and eldan is still my favorite :)

[Memory Star

Why weep

Over honor lost

Of battles old

The hope that we once had

That one day we be reunited]

very pretty! i liked that part.

and yes, I am a TAD busy, but I will make time to squeeze in reviews here and there.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 20 . 12/20/2008
Interesting end, rather unexpected too. At least Azuren has his power, though. I was getting a little anxious when he couldn't find his power, I was wondering what was going to happen.

There was one sentence in here that I thought could have been fixed: "After, he finished his bath; he began to hunt . . ." Eliminate the semi colon and replace it with the comma. It just seems it would make more sense that way.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 19 . 12/20/2008
Aww, poor Fenris! Azuren's dream was still funny, it had me cracking up. As for the name Marath, it reminds me of John Marat, that one french revolutionlst or whatever. I don't think he had anything to do with the church, but Marath just looked so familiar.

Good job, nonetheless. I liked it.

VelvetyCheerio chapter 18 . 12/20/2008
Hah, it was all on a bet? That's hilarious. I almost thought Azuren was never going to find a way to defeat Fenris for a moment there. Good thing Lyren helped him, though.

Though, didn't that mean Lyren technically cheated on the bet? ;P Eh, it was still good. Nice work.

VelvetyCheerio chapter 17 . 12/20/2008
Another good chapter. I'm glad Azuren mastered his ki energy, that was cool.

There was one sentence, at the beginning, Azuren said: "Sorry we were late just now. Lyren and I had a bit of conversation just now." One of those "just now"s could be done away with.

Good chapter, I liked it.

VelvetyCheerio chapter 16 . 12/20/2008
This was an interesting chapter, seeing the distinction between the rangers and elves. Good job, I liked it.

Alteng chapter 8 . 12/20/2008
The last chapter read.

There are a couple of complaints with this one. Just smack me, alright. I complain too much. Anyway, here goes.

I do like how you have Eldan as the womanizer. This was different than you other characters in this, because he is more subtle about it. The problem I see in him is the choice of language. He is a high elf. I would think that he would have more of a formal talking pattern, because it is in his blood. The thing about 'screwing' things just doesn't seem right coming from him, and it does draw from the story setting. You might want to look that over when you choose to rewrite.

The other problem I have is there are a people with the amrthyst eyes and the silver hair. If this is the sign of the chosen one or the return of Thelanor, then having a race of people with those traits just blows that away. You might want to have something else added to Azuren's description. Maybe he has a mark on is neck that would symbolize where Thelanor killed himself.

Otherwise, I really like the story concept in this one. It has been different from most of the ones I have read on this site.
Alteng chapter 7 . 12/20/2008
I read three chapters, mind you.

This chapter was nice in giving the association with the wolves, and the beginning with the guilt that Azuren is feeling. The guilt and self doubt make him more sypathetic.

The meal thing was a bit off. I would like to hear about how Azuren caught the pheasant. He has nothing but a dagger. Was he quick enough to down it by jumping on it. Also the garnising of the bird was a bit much. He is not a five star restaurant. Besides, the wolf might not like that much either.
Alteng chapter 6 . 12/20/2008
Okay, I got the other computer to work, so I got to print up a couple of chapters. You were the only email in my inbox at the time. Now you are one of two.

I like Ilgen. He was a cool character. I feel sorry for him and his plight. I do find it hard to think that a jailor is the lowest position available. I would think barmaid would be down there. Other female jobs come to mind as well.

Ilgen does make a good point about Azuren needs to live for those that gave their lives for him.

I am n ot too sure about all the bad things that happen are because of Ranor, unless you are suggesting something about the man (outside of being scum). Could he be associated with the evil god (whose name escapes me), and he recognises Azuren for who he is?

There is another thought that bothers me with this story. You never said how many years Azuren lived on his own. I feel that he is somewhere between 15 and 20, but there seems like only a year has passed since Lakus and his wife died.
Alteng chapter 5 . 12/19/2008
For whatever reason, my desktop won't load fictionpress. Oh well, to the backup laptop. The problem here is that I won't be able to print up a new chapter to read in the way to work.

Oh well, to the chapter. You just can't give Azuren a break at all. Yet, that is what we love to see. It's that catharisism (my spelling is awful) that we enjoy.

The story reminds me a bit of my story about Galen. Galen was not the reincarntion of a warrior. He was meant to be the essence of spring and healing, but he faces similar problems.

Anyway, I find that the village's head would allow his daughter to say goodbye to the cursed one. Maybe something to the effect that he dearly loved her and spoiled her could work there.

Julia's act of sacrifice is rather pointless, but it is an essential part of the plot. BUt, if she sacrifices her life, what was to stop the bandits from killing him anyway. Still, I understand her reasoning there.

The vision thing was pretty cool and it ties in with what we already know. I bet the villagers are scared shitless! Anyway, one of the things that I think you should have in this is some kind of motion of warding the evil spirit, like the person crossing himself but not that one. After all, they are afraid the boy will curse them.
Alteng chapter 4 . 12/19/2008
Okaay, I have some evening freetime. It happens sometimes.

Again, I feel this chapter needs a little fleshing out, but I am still enjoying this one. At least Asuren isn't immediately jumped into a teenaged scene with various friends. You are going to make the boy suffer. It makes for a good character.

I am not sure I would have Ranor brag about what he had done to Lakus, even if Azuren means nothing and no one would believe him. Somehow, I think I would let somehow unfold in the course of the story, even if that seems like it has been a 100 times before.

I like how Azuren is an outcast with no food or money, but it makes me wonder why Lakus didn't let the boy know how to come by the money or have some of it in the house in case of his death. I don't think he would have wanted the boy to suffer like this. Still, it makes for a good character, and you know I am partial to outcasts.

Julia seems nice enough, and I would suspect that there will be trouble because of this association.
Alteng chapter 3 . 12/19/2008
I thought this chapter was awfully short. This strikes me more of an outline than an actual chapter. You need to put a bit more feeling into this one, because it is an emotional bit for all around. You can show Lakus and his wife overjoyed at the prospect of having another child. All there really is is the bit with Lobela shedding some tears. You can have a few little short scenes of bonding. I think Lakus should be more outraged at the thought of the child being a demon.

I have trouble with naming the child after their dead son, because it seems to be disrespectful or it may pertain to coming disaster upon the new one. Also it is like they are trying to replace their son, who was an unique being unto himself, although we don't get to see him. Of course, you could always name Lakus and Lobela's real son something else completely if you choose to listen to this bit.

Again, and the end of the chapter there needs to be more. Azuren could run around and do all he could to help his ailing foster parents. Was there a healer involved and whatnot. How did the healer feel about this strange eyed boy. Also, there seems like Lakus would have some dying words of advice or encouragement to the one he considered a son. I do realize you don't want to deal too much on this part, but it would help set the character up better.

Enough of my rant. I still like this one better than the other ones that I read.
1,150 | « Prev Page 1 .. 10 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 30 .. Last Next »