Reviews for Circles of Arven
misanthropic muse chapter 15 . 10/31/2004
So who wrote the Holy Book of the Wilds?
Common tongue- like Tolkien, eh?
Make sure you have Gods with a capital G
"treacherous leaders spun false lies, discredited us and ignite the hatred of the public against us! "
Should be ignited- past tense.
"Put our trust onto"
I have never heard of that particular expression. I think it is a bit awkward. How about "to trust those who only deserved" That makes it clearer.
Too many short sentences.
"From the shades of crystal blue"
What shades? describe the shades. "deep, varying, soft..."
or change the sentence
"the only god that no humans worshipped. "
no human worshipped
I am wondering how this interlude ties in with the rest of the story, but I am sure all will be revealed.
misanthropic muse chapter 14 . 10/31/2004
I will be interested to find out more about the role Lyren played in Thelanor's life.
You described the villagers fear, and the fight scene well
I wonder what Azuren's "quest" will be. Every hero needs a quest, right?
What about Azuren's parents treasure hidden in the elves forest?
Sorry my last review posted so many times :-s
when i review at school it always seems to do that.
misanthropic muse chapter 7 . 10/26/2004
posses- should be possessed a constitution...
so azuren has an affinity with teh wolves..?
i like how the wolves are kinda symbolic and also tie everything together
azuren is a good character
misanthropic muse chapter 8 . 10/26/2004
trying it's best- should be its
a normal walking around? lol
i dont like the nature reserve bit, as it jolts the reader back to modern life
misanthropic muse chapter 10 . 10/26/2004
yay! so azuren is thelanors reincarnation... i will be interested to discover what he is meant to do
um this chapter was better grammatically then the previous ones.
make sure your sentecnes are clear, and you dont use modern slang like "gal"- it is jarring
and watch past and present tense
i couldnt review the last few chapters, but proof read carefully
Poppy Pyres chapter 6 . 10/21/2004
phew! finally made it to the 6th chapter
sorry for the last few hurried reviews, i was at school
i like this story- otherwise i wouldnt be reviewing it :)
there is something i have just noticed- not necessarily bad:
you focus on action and dialogue a great deal, not so much on what the particular characters are thinking.
im saying this because i, personally, would have elaborated a bit more on azurens thoughts and feelings inside the cell. i mean if you dont want to thats fine, and its kinda good to be so action/plot focussed, as the story never gets boring, but make sure to develop your characters well. ( i know i have trouble with it too)
" During this time, Azuren just waste himself away, until he knew the truth behind the raid."
hmm. is azuren wasting himself away? that sentence is awkward
be executed?" gloat Ranor.
should be gloated
"Out with it and be gone."
should be "out with it, and be gone"
"be theirs and perhaps with a good amount of female elves as their trophy."
im sorry, i dont like this sentence. would they really say perhaps with a good amount of female elves...?
i know what you mean, its just awkward
i think
"device a way to be the new village head."
not device- devised
"He saw the poor boy dejected and sighed."
I would have written "He saw that the poor boy was dejected, and sighed."
okay, i should shut up now :)
dont take it personally
now THESE are the nit-picky reviews i love giving
"demon child as what those foolish bumpkins call you?"
like instead of as?
"All are wilderness"- shoudl be all is wilderness
I'm seeing you." - strange tense :)
i will be seeing you
i hate past and present tense
"It was evening where, Azuren would face"- where, or when
he wore a nervous look and a bunch of keys- he is not wearing the keys- at least i hope not :-)
yay! i finished criticising
i dont intend to mean be cruel horrible and nasty...
oh well, at least you got a long review
and this IS a good story...really...
and thanks for the review :)
Poppy Pyres chapter 5 . 10/20/2004
poor azuren :(
poor julia :(
i will be interested to find out the secret of azurens birth
im glad he didnt kill the villagers
good! no spelling errors
Poppy Pyres chapter 4 . 10/19/2004
yay! im glad azuren has a friend...
i hope he goes into the forest and gets the tresure back
Poppy Pyres chapter 2 . 10/19/2004
yeh i admut that you arent coping LOTR, but some of the names sound like characters from there... sorry
you added me to your fav stories list! thanx!
"Done then" should be "Done then."
dont worry, it is a very common error.
:( poor thelanor
You'll be an immortal if you chose to wait..."
do you mean choose to wait?
i like the sword- in-the -ground... it is a nice touch
Poppy Pyres chapter 1 . 10/15/2004
Sorry to be mean, but this sounds exactly like the introduction in the Silmarillion (you know, by Tolkien). i dont know if that was intentional or not.
Except you have changed some of the names- Moroth instead of Morgoth, Arven instead of Arda.
I am hoping that the next chapter will not be like LOTR, but that you will take the theme and improve on it. The problem with fantasy writing (dont worry, it is not just you), is that it is hard to be original.
Dont worry, I am not usually this mean. But you want an honest review, dont you?
I will be interested to read the next chapter.
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