Lol... The romance plot is a bit stretched ain't it? I wonder however why she is so meek or docile? Like the Suit just always push her around or something?

they definitely are. I love how both men in her life have nicknames for her.

'Xander seemed to like Alora’s idea of a scary movie and during the first scary scene that she’d had the courage to grab his hand at[,] he’d shoved the arm rest back until he could pull her close to his side'

'usually she split her lunch break and [had] three fifteen minute periods to grab a snack and scribble sketches.'

'Alora watched as he studied the screen [for] a few moments.'

'Kendra told her honestly, though she had never seen him and knew even less about him than Alora had told her because one always had to throw out at least half of anything someone new to love had to say about the world’s most perfect man.' - This sentence is way too long, I kinda lost what was going on by the end of it.

'and know it was embarrassing to wear something so tight.' - I think this would sound better without the 'know'

'Alora thought [as she] gave the door a good, hard kick shut.'

'He [led] her towards his tiny living room, walking backwards.'

I still say Xander is too good to be true. Drake will be a much better partner, despite the age difference; they had better get together eventually.

And now that I've read it all through, I hope you update soon!

I thought that her mum was called Mrs. Dorian, not Mooney.

'but both were happiest with Alora [hidden] away.'

'Christmas Eve was well-known for its shoppers; a crowd made up mainly of men.' - And me *grins* Well, maybe not on Eve, but on the 22nd or 23rd I think I finally got my mum's present last year.

'Alora was one of those unlucky souls who led the way towards [the] remnants of stores in vain search'

'The only down side for Alora for helping her father was that she knew what her gift from [him] was.'

"Your mother would have had a heart attack. Maybe you should try that sometime." - *grins* Nice!

Hmm, I don't trust Xander. Something about him doesn't feel right. But that could just be me being all cynical.

'[Then] the trip was over and it began to snow.'

Hmm, I wonder what's going on with Drake. Probably just overworking. I think he needs a hug. Good chapter as always!

'"The quicker our order is out, the better the tip." The suit muttered casually enough that it almost seemed like normal conversation to Alora.' - This makes him sound REALLY arrogant, and to me it's slightly out of character. But you know him better than me so you're the final judge on that *smiles*

'So, [Nutmeg], tell me about your artwork.'

'Was he mocking her by [bringing] the leftovers?'

'but she was curious to see if he’d given her the [fries]'

Aw that little note was really cute.

'Just thinking about when that was meant that Alora had already agreed to go.' - This sentence is kinda confusing.

'her mother would never know because she’d never be [friends] with this guy for long'

Good chapter again. It's about time they properly came to heads about something, and as usual you handled it excellently.

"Do you have class at one[,] two Thursdays from now?"

'There was no was she was mentioned this to her mother' - I think this would sound better as: 'No way was she mentioning this to her mother'

Good chapter, as always.

Oh, nice! I love that he's calling her Nutmeg, that's really cute.

'however, Drake lifted it out of [harm's] way before anything could [happen]'

'and while Drake had driven remarkably well the last time she had ridden with him[,] his car was a sports car' - This sentence confused me at first; adding the comma makes things clearer.

'"It just [slid] a bit."

"After all, we’re not in an accident, are [we]?"

'Alora knew [he'd] follow, and that fact caused her to fight off a blush.'

'She heard the [suit's] sure, even footsteps behind her.'

'Drake murmured before thrusting his [shoulder] against the jammed door.'

'Alora [muttered] to Molly’s back under her breath.'

'The other was that her door was closed and DaVinci was [not] in her room.'

"I believe your cat wants [my] Cheetos."

Good chapter again. It's very interesting to see them thrown together like this and you've handled it very well.

'or at least that’s how it seemed to Alora from her view of the world.' - Okay, you're actually using present tense here in past tense prose (that's), which isn't good. Suggestion: 'or at least that was how it seemed to Alora from her view of the world'.

'the sparkling weapons of winter.' - I love this little phrase, it's just magnificient. Your whole description of the scene is excellent.

'She especially [liked] the bit of green paint.' - I thought it was purple paint? Or was that a different coat?

Nice chapter. I'm glad Alora's mother accepts her life choices, it makes me very happy for her.

"Tempting, but no." - Ha ha! That made me chuckle. I do like Drake, he is very cool.

"I’m hungry[,]" [he] said.'

"I’m going to the Cinder House[,]" Drake explained in a tone [that], Alora believed, was meant as condescending and slightly parental.'

'It also required a certain degree of dressiness that Alora found herself severely lacking in.' - Could be personal opinion here, but I think this sentence would sound better without the 'in' at the end.

"[Purple] paint on your jacket, I know[,]" [the] suit finished for her.'

"I’m not a charity case[,]" [she] whispered fiercely.'

'"It’s more comfortable than a suit[,]" Alora pointed out.'

"Maybe so[,]" [the] suit conceded.'

"I don’t suppose you’re of age to drink." - This sentence feels like it's missing a word.

'Just what do you think you’re doing?" [the] suit asked.'

'She felt disdainful eyes settle [on] her in cold stares'

'"Mr. Fearborn, it is a pleasure to have you join us again, sir[,]" [a] syrupy voice chirped at the suit' - And hmm, what the host says later; can't speak with experience, but I think he'd be a tad more subtle. He really wouldn't want to risk offending Drake, if Drake is such a valued customer. You're free to ignore this though, especially if you know otherwise.

"I always thought this was a steak place[,]" Alora muttered to herself.'

'"It is, primarily, but the Cinder House makes it quite an experience[,]" [the] suit primly told her, acting the polite host.'

"You did that on purpose[,]" Drake stated.'

"Forget about the suit[,]" [the] first lady said as she slid a card across the table.'

"It does sound rather horrible[,]" [the] suit conceded.'

'The filet should be done medium—if it is the slightest bit medium-rare or medium-well, I will speak with the manager.' - Okay, feel free to ignore this, but I know people like this suit and they would *never* actually say this. Something in their voice would imply that they will not receive anything else.

"Honey mustard dressing[,]" Alora supplied.'

"The vinaigrette is fine[,]" Alora murmured, blushing.'

"The lady will have the petit filet prepared as mine is, and on a separate plate, the sautéed mushrooms[,]" [the] suit finished.'

'"Um, a lemon would be nice[,]" Alora added softly.'

"He’s paid to be happy[,]" Drake answered.'

'"I see you like it[,]" Drake observed.'

'Every now and then she does something decent[,]" Alora said, shrugging slightly.'

'Drake ate his own dessert, though he refrained from scraping the bottom of the dish, though Alora did whole-heartedly.' - You start two parts of this sentence with 'though', which sounds a bit repetitive.

I won't bother pointing out the speech/comma errors any more, mostly because it's pretty boring for me to copy and paste all that stuff when I should be focusing on better crits.

In answer to your question, what do I think about Alora - I think she's a very realistic character. As someone who is not nearly as artsy as her, I can see that she is a little too entrenched in her own view of the world, but she's not totally close-minded... basically, she's real. It's very difficult to create a real character so congrats for that. In general, I really enjoyed this chapter; their interaction in the restaurant was very nicely done, shows up a lot of their personalities.

Same format as my previous reviews.

'keeping the collar of her black trench coat tight at her throat[;] the other gloved hand she had thrust deep into a voluminous coat pocket.'

'Alora slipped [through] fingerprint stained doors after a heavyset woman wearing a too-tight' - You said 'into', which sounded like she was actually going into the doors.

'and a warmed pretzel warmed and toasted by a barista' - You repeat the word 'warmed' almost right next to itself.

'"A café is not the smartest place to catch up on sleep[,]" Drake muttered dryly'

'He stirred his macchiato with a spoon with his left hand.' - Personal stylistic opinion here, but I think this would sound better as 'He stirred his macchiato with a spoon [in] his left hand.' That way, you don't repeat 'with'.

'I can’t make it on nothing but art scholarships!" [she] hissed.'

'It still stung her [though].'

"And how long until you quit in the name of art?" [he] asked cynically.'

'"I’m not a lady[,]" Alora mumbled'

Darn, she has nasty flatmates.

'You shouldn’t even live there[,]" Drake told her'

'"Money-issues[,]" Alora answered shortly'

Another good chapter. Most of my crits here revolve around one grammatical error: the use of commas and such forth in speech. Check this out:

. ?storyid1722620&chapter2

This should iron out the problem.

Same format as the previous reviews.

'however, she managed to catch herself before she did anymore than stumble gracelessly[,] and stood in line.'

'She also observed the neat edge of jeans, not quite long enough to get a ragged edge[,] paired with small, pristine classic white tennis shoes.'

Damn, her ex-boyfriend was a nasty SOB.

'Michelle or Rory or Kimberly — Alora could never tell the new baristas apart [-] shoved a new macchiato and iced latte at the suit.'

"Language[,] girl."

Hmm, there is something undefinable sexy about this suit.

'Embarrassed? Alora wondered. She set the macchiato in a black flip out cup-holder. "Um, it’s in the cup-holder now…"' - You've put the narrative parts in italics by mistake. Either that, or ficpress formatting is playing silly buggers...which is highly likely. Just thought I'd point it out.

'"This time, nothing," [he] said.'

'[Then], she was allowed to take out the day’s anger on the door.'

She has a Maine Coon! *dances* My parents have one too and he's gorgeous.

'She took the plastic lid off of "savory salmon" soft [cat] food'

'bowl of ramen on a plate surrounded by celery in the [other].'

'she slipped into a pair of plastic flip-flips.' - Do you mean flip-flips? Over here we call them flip-flops... just wondering if this is a typo or intentional.

'[Then] out of the shower to shudder and shake under the small towel.'

'...defining the fine fur that ruffled one edge where DaVinci curled, posed innocently[;] however, in Alora’s sketch...,'

Hmm, the ending seemed very abrupt. Other than that, another good chapter, delving into Alora's character even more. I've got to go do other stuff now but I'll check back on this in the next couple days; so far I'm really enjoying it, even though it's not the kind of story I usually read.

Reviewing as I read, corrections in square brackets.

'She bit back a harsh remark about rude people; it infuriated her when people shoved her out of the way to get a better place in line; however, she wouldn’t let anyone ruin her good, albeit long, day.' - I personally think this sentence is way too long and would sound better as two, like this: 'She bit back a harsh remark about rude people; it infuriated her when people shoved her out of the way to get a better place in line. However, she wouldn’t let anyone ruin her good, albeit long, day.

'so no one else had [entered after] the person who held the door' - Just felt like this bit was missing a few words.

"[The] suit wants a doppio machiatto at 140."

'She [remembered] the most random things.'

'Alora began to shake the nutmeg out over her [latte].'

'She’d never have the money to go to any amazing places like Ireland or Scotland or Hungary.' - Hehe. For a moment I thought, but Ireland and Scotland are right next door, then I remembered you're not from England! *grins* Also, Scotland is overrated. It rains. All the time.

'Alora swore up and down [that] he’d be famous someday.'

Another good chapter here. Alora seems to be a well-developed character, with all the little quirks and minor faults that all people have, and I'm glad to see that the suit is also turning into a rounded character, sometimes impatient but also a decent guy.

Reviewing as I read. Corrections will be in square brackets.

'Alora's gold locks, just taken down from her messy bun[,] were already tangled around her arms and waist'

'Alora spotted her best friend, Kendra[,] quickly stocking the near empty bake-case and waved'

'The woman glanced back at him warily and fairly yelled her long order at the cashier above the raucous children.' - I'm not sure what the word 'fairly' is doing in that sentence, though perhaps it's an American expression. In my personal opinion the sentence would be better without it, but you're free to ignore personal opinion.

'The suit stepped up with sure steps and rattled off his order' - This is a stylistic comment, but you say 'stepped' and then 'steps'; the juxtaposition of the two very similar words sounds repetitive.

'leaving a handful of silver and copper coins for the barista, though she accepted the handful of bills presented to her by the barista.' - A stylistic thing again, but you end two parts of this sentence with the word 'barista' and it sounds repetitive. Also, I'm not entirely sure what a barista is... the cashier? Also, I'm not really sure what's going on in this sentence; she gives the cashier coins, then gets notes back? This is presumably my ignorance of American culture, as I'm from England. (Sorry to be such a pain!)

'Alora began to liberally shake the last of the nutmeg over her drink[;] during that time, the suit came up behind her, waiting.'

'Alora smirked again[;] thankfully her long locks covered the expression from the suit’s gaze.'

'I have a meeting to attend to.' - Personal preference, but I think this sentence would be better without the final 'to'.

'Normally she would start on the long walk to her car [-] campus parking was horrible [-] but today, she wanted to watch the suit'

'Alora stood up and waved [as] Kendra headed back to her post.'

I know I picked at loads of little details here, but I did enjoy this chapter. I love how you manage to capture that irrational hatred of a certain group of people, suits in Alora's case, that some of us have and how, when combined with a bad day, it leads to silly things like this. Really, this sounds like it could have happened in real life.

miss kelly, i'm soo sorry for not reviewing earlier (college is sucking the brains out of me!).i had actually read your chapter on the very first day you posted it, but i procrastinated on the review 'til today. i know. i'm terrible. :(.as for the story... hahaha. i'm enjoying it so much more everytime! i feel as though i sound like a broken record everytime, but honestly, it's fantabulous! (although, i must say, i still don't like xander. and i was a bit disappointed to see that there wasn't very much of drake in this chapter. boo, kelly! heh).and i thought of your story, so i tried nutmeg in my coffee for the first time ever (last week). i couldn't really taste it though. oh and a while back, we used nutmeg to extract compound trimyristin (in organic chemistry lab). just thought i would share. and what's this about a band, kid? when's your first show! i want to come see!

Oh great chapter. Can't wait til the next one.