|Reviews for Cyclone|
| TiJiL chapter 19 . 12/21/2005
Hey Digi, glad to see you're still around.
To answer the questions you posed:
1. The beast would have had no problem eating the choeroeds along with all of the other little organisms, but it seems possible that they could clamber out of his mouth in time, and he would certainly not pursue them. Humpback whales are known to swallow large prey unfortunate enough to get caught in their mouths and I imagine this frog/stork/whale beast to be similar.
2. Twasseccs are varied on the pet issue. Though, for the most part, they probably don't opt to support animals that do them no good, twasseccs employ graakks, pludds, and geups in noticeably large numbers for law enforcement, pest control, and message transmission, respectively.
3. Genders don't matter much to twasseccs. Female twasseccs are allowed in the military with no discrimination against them. As twassecc females are smaller than their male counterparts, there are still more males than females, but there are plenty of both. With choeroeds there is no inherent difference of strength, stamina, or ability between the genders, so it matters even less with them. Aside from that, choeroed genders are hard to gauge at a glance, so it seems entirely possible that the twasseccs that spotted Chuara were not aware what gender she was.
And there will be plenty of action, don't you worry.
| DigiDayDreamer chapter 19 . 12/20/2005
Hi TiJiL! I apoloize greatly for being busy for nearl two months ; But now I can get back to reviewing!
What a great way to wake up in the morning, being greeted by a comical beast that swallows sand. *laughs too* I wonder what would have happened to the choeroeds if they were swallowed - would they be spat back out for being too big or reluctantly digested along with the other insects?
Sedik with his rude hand gestures, as always, and Kek'Tar with his serious moods. And I wonder what kind of fruits Akiir got - I was half-expecting Chuara to do the fruit-picking though.
Ah, I guess Akiir doesn't like animals too much, considering that predatory fowl. But I had the strange image of Sedik taming that fowl and having it as a pet for some odd reason. It's as wild as he is, though I don't know if twasseccs generally enjoy pets, since he's a stereotype of one.
*blinks* I'm surprised Sedik was quite flexible with his decision to choose Chuara when she looked crestfallen. Maybe he's not a harsh, insensitive soldier as I initially took him to be.
Oh my. Looks like Chuara got herself in a load of trouble for once, and in a bootcamp, nonetheless. Hmm, do genders matter in twassecc boot camp, since they had considered a female choeroed to be one of them? Also I wonder if Akiir will ever get back his waterproofed CH-1.35.
Also, this line made me a laugh a bit - “If you think I’m kidding, soldiers, you’re sadly mistaken! If the inspector gets one look at C Barracks, your asses are toast!” I guess they value their rears very much like other sentient beings.
And I too am surprised that Sedik hasn't actually led them astray, despite his misgivings about the flispian.
[“You like running?” Sedik replied.] Running? Of course I do! It's about time we get to see some action! *grins*
Well, that's all I could spare, I guess. Till next review...
Spell ya later!
| Allen chapter 3 . 11/24/2005
ive only started to read this but i say its worthy of gene roddenbery him self
| TiJiL chapter 17 . 10/16/2005
Though you'll be able to read more on this topic once the appendices are complete, the ees had an amazingly omnipresent intelligence system, allowing them a cursory knowledge of all of the other sentient species. All of their pilots and machines drew from this same, gigantic information network, providing detailed and up-to-date information for whatever purpose.
Everything from Flisp is hot. Quite hot.
We actually quite recently wrote the ending for this story (though in retrospect the ending isn't long enough) and Sedik and Kek'Tar's parting words are rather humorous. You shall enjoy them, methinks, when you get there.
Everything from Flisp is hot. Quite hot.
Thanks for the review, looking forward to your next one!
| DigiDayDreamer chapter 17 . 10/13/2005
Ack, sorry I took so long to review this chapter, TiJiL. _ Heading onwards now:
Wow, the ees must have had a lot of spare time to study the other races while still having the best technology possible.
Looks like the group is heading off to the dirtiest part of their adventure and things don't look so well for Firewall. I didn't know the Firewall was that hot compared to the water, with the steam and all. O_o
So it's an exode suit! That explains quite a lot back to when Kek'Tar was first introduced.
[“This,” he said. “It keeps my body temperature at acceptable levels when the planet does not.” He glanced morbidly at the water below. “Don’t touch,” he added, noticing Chuara about to do so. She jumped back like it had bitten her.] - The last part amused me a bit.
[“So…” Sedik said, “Anyone want to test the water?” They all looked at each other, not wanting to be the first. Sedik suddenly coughed violently, flailing his left arm. He slapped Chuara on the back roughly, sending her flying into the swirling water below. “We have a volunteer!” he said.] - And this part just had me bursting at the seams! XD And it was unexpected, seeing as how he often picked on Akiir and barely notices Chuara.
[Nearby, Sedik was throwing seed pods at Akiir and Chuara, who were both spraying him with water. One struck Akiir in the face, knocking him flat.] - Okay, so he's still prime for slapstick comedy. _
Yikes, glacier-cold water doesn't sound so appealing. The tension between Sedik and Kek'Tar is still good in terms of character development, I suppose.
[“And I shall snap your back like a twig!” Kek’Tar roared. “Now let us be on our way before one of us is proven a liar!”] - Favorite quote so far.
Once again I am immersed in the vivid descriptions of the new world that they're wading through, while interweaving with the character's gestures and probable thoughts.
[Nylari felt sorry for the flispian, surprised that merely spending time in his presence could erase a lifetime of indoctrinated hatred.] - I wonder if Sedik would come to realize that as well eventually. Though he may be stereotypical, at least he tolerates Kek'Tar in his own brash way. Also, the sight of two choeroeds riding on a flispian's luggage sounds rather amusing.
[Kek’Tar, however, was white, and caused Nylari so much pain she was unable to look at him.] - Wow, he must be really hot literally. I wonder if his planet is just as hot.
Once again, Sedik's sarcasm becomes wisdom for Nylari, and now they finally find some land. _
And the chapter concludes with a nap. I wonder if someone will catch sight of them. It's for you to know and me to find out. _
Another great read there. Again I'm sorry I'm inexplicably in such a review and I'll do my best to read the appendices as well.
Until next review,
Spell ya later!
| TiJiL chapter 16 . 9/11/2005
Eventually you will see how the Cyclone is related to Nylari and crew. We have this story just about finished, sans editing. The connection is written, though we want to add a new scene or two to strengthen it.
Chuara's song Clech'e-tochol (Ode to Shellfish)
Kek'Tar's response Our Endurance in hell-the goes on! Spare us that! (Essentially means 'We're still in hell, don't make it worse for us', which refers to the flispian belief system)
Ahh yes, you've pointed out another poorly written bit. The intended method was that Kek'Tar was piloting the ship into a satisfactory position and preparing it for the jump, while Chuara would use her superior computer skills to astrogate a trajectory. This chapter is one of many here in the middle of the story that we feel was rather poorly written, especially with regard to Chuara and Nylari. We plan to greatly rennovate these portions.
Nylari's breath was steaming because her body is warm and wet while the air is cold and dry. Water from the epithelial lining in her lungs has dissolved into her breath, which is visible as steam. Exactly like what happens when you go out on a cold day.
Yes, Kek'Tar had to cut most of the life support systems so he essentially put them into a hibernative state, which requires much less in terms of power to maintain.
Nylari drifted to sleep on kind of a step beneath the window, watching the planet.
Yeah, planning to do that Bad Guy RPG sometime. I was kindof hoping for some correspondence from RabbitDawg before beginning.
Finally, check back a little later today. I am just about through writing a chunk of the appendices, about the choeroeds. You might find it rather interesting, methinks.
| DigiDayDreamer chapter 16 . 9/11/2005
Hi, sorry I took so long again in my reviewing.
To start off, I can't believe that the situation at Cyclone and the current situation are very well related to one another. What's Nylari getting herself into? It seemed just like it was a few weeks ago that she was leading an ordinary life, till Chuara and Akiir decided to muddle in other interests. And she's quite lucky to find Sedik and Kek'Tar, though enemies they may be to each other.
Once again, Chuara, my favorite, never ceases to make me laugh. I'm plain surprised that she pulled off a stunt like that with Kek'Tar's ship, but I guess I should've known that from the beginning of Chapter 3: Rabid Clam. What's the full name of the song she played and could you give the translation to Kek'Tar's dialogue?
In other news, it's good to see Sedik acting the best he could do around Kek'Tar, but how long could he keep it up?
[“He’s trying to get us into a position so you can plot the course of the LAW dock. It’s probably a tough job, we should try not to disturb him,” Nylari said quietly. The choeroed slumped into a chair sadly. Nylari was about to try and comfort her when another round of gunfire erupted from across the room. Akiir was trying to fire a light submachine gun, but was obviously not prepared for the recoil. A line of slugs traced up the wall and onto the ceiling before Sedik kicked the gun from his hand.
Chuara rushed back into the lounge just as Kek’Tar’s voice rang through the ship. Having calculated the trajectory of the LAW dock and determined its destination, they were now prepared to make the jump.]
The two paragraphs above confused me. Was it Chuara that was supposed to plot of the LAW dock or was it Kek'Tar? And the second paragraph makes it sound like they all did the calculations of the trajectory. *blinks*
Wonderful descriptions are enough to show the rather long timespan of their journey, and the vivid details of the Firewall's engine was entertaining to read about.
[Nylari awoke in complete darkness and in, actually, a rather cold state. She had almost forgotten what cold weather felt like, having spent so long in a flispian ship. As her eyes quickly adjusted to the darkness, she saw steam rising from her every breath.] - Hmm? How come there was steam if she had been cold? Or maybe her body temperature was hot enough to boil the fluids in her mouth (though I can't imagine that being good for her).
And you mean to say they were in a state of hibernation/suspension for three days? They must have much stronger body systems than us humans do.
[She walked to a window and saw a far more interesting sight...She thoughtfully stared at the planet for almost an hour as the Firewall crept lazily towards it. Before long, she drifted to sleep.] - Did she head back to the couch to sleep or did she somehow drift to sleep while staring at the planet? I'm guessing it was more of the former than the latter, unless twasseccs could do that.
And after some discussion of the planet, they have a plan, thanks to Sedik. _ He's actually quite a good leader when he's not too angry throwing curses and shooting lead.
I'm anxious to see what happens next. Until next review...
Spell ya later, TiJiL!
PS: Are we still doing that new Bad Guy RPG on "The Universe"?
| TiJiL chapter 14 . 9/10/2005
Hey Digi. Sorry it has taken me so long to reply.
Yeah, Acar's ship has essentially activated a much branier AI. Prior to this point, it was simply evaluating and repairing, as there's little point in delaying that. From now on, however, it will make its own decisions without seeking advisement.
What do you mean by except the vimp? If you mean the vimp are not provided for, you are wrong. The padded, dark rooms are for vimp, allowing them to sleep on the ceiling as is their custom and not having any bright colors to aggravate them.
Choeroed clothing is fairly minimal and almost always waterproof. Chuara and Akiir both wear belts and short pants, but they are skin-tight and dry quickly.
Sedik is highly trained in many areas, and cyborg medicine is certainly one of them. Aside from that, Sedik is particularly smart, and must have been able to recognize her arm as a blowtorch at some point.
Good, good. Glad you notice that about Choeroeds. They are supposed to be a combination of obsession, hyperactivity, and foolishness. Akiir is a good guy, but he's an idiot.
You are right and we are embarrased. Sedik could not have slammed the doors, they are automatic. This shall be changed.
Kek'Tar is awesome. The bars' function will become clear soon, and greatly relates to Flispian physiology.
Yes, Kek'Tar's insistence that Nylari is small stems from that there are many races of larger size than twasseccs, for one thing, and also in annoyance that Nylari assumes that twassecc kind is the standard by which everything should be measured.
Twasseccs do undergo rather extensive education. However, Nylari is an engineer and was born and spent the early part of her life on ships in space. The accident that cost her her arm was in space, remember? She's no stranger to space engineering.
Spacecraft should be used in lieu of aircraft. In general, we imagine our ships are capable of being both, except in certain situations. The Firewall is certainly a spacecraft most of the time, as its great size and draggy shape would not facilitate air travel.
Quite helpful, Digi. Thanks for the review, looking forward to hearing more of them.
By the way, we're just about to the end of this story. Another week or two and we'll reach the end and we can begin editing! Hurrah!
| DigiDayDreamer chapter 14 . 8/22/2005
Hi TiJiL! Back for another review.
Woah, so Acar's ship didn't have an established AI before? I guess all those previous calculations were just the boot-up sequence.
Now I'm even more impressed with Kek'Tar's ship, and a bit surprised how it could accommodate all races, well, except the vimps. _; I would want a ship like that; it even has an observatory, the kind that would make Nylari feel spiritually awed and all.
[The two choeroeds moved so quickly that they just looked like plumes of frothy waves ricocheting around the room to Nylari.] - Oh my, I would hope they weren't running naked or anything. *laughs* Wait, did the choeroeds even bring swimsuits? *blinks*
[The first one she approached caused a painful burn on her hand when she touched it, and she hastily retreated, not wanting to experience the previous heat again.] - I think that sentence may have been stating the obvious in last phrase, but that’s just my opinion. I enjoyed the part where Sedik took Nylari's arm for a lighter; I didn't even know that he, as a soldier, would know about cybernetic arms and how they have a lighter of sorts underneath.
And Akiir's so much like Chuara, in that they don't have much common sense, but that both excel in their specialties. I guess Nylari prefers over Chuara since she has a less dangerous obsession. _; Akiir sounds like a good guy, though, and it would be quite interesting how farther their relationship correlates with the plot.
[“What’s going on?” Akiir asked. Sedik spat on him and retreated to his quarters, where he slammed the door forcibly.] - Spitting on Akiir? I wasn't expecting that, but it still struck me as a bit funny, considering that Sedik still smokes and have some yucky stuff mixing with his saliva. I'm confused about him slamming the door, though. Does that mean it was the traditional door with a knob and all, and not the one that slides open?
_ It's great to see those great little scenes, like Nylari scrambling out of her chair because it was too big for her, because it's so funny yet so true to Nylari's character.
*reads Kek'Tar's description* *gapes* Oh my. . .he sounds so cool! Flispians are going to be my favorite race now. *grins* He sounds quite powerful, yet somewhat humble and kind in a herbivore kind of way. _ I wonder what those bars do for him, maybe he had a deficient nervous system. And I wonder how he managed to look unhurt after two hours with Sedik, assuming the latter tried to kill him so that he could control the Firewall.
*is currently enjoying the dialogue* I guess by Kek'Tar's comments about Nylari being small, there are other races who are as big as flispians and somewhat familiar with flispians, or that flispians believe that they're more superior than twasseccs in that sense, though it didn't seem to apply to choeroeds.
[“That’s… so inefficient! It goes against everything I’ve ever learned about ship construction!” ] - Wait, do all twasseccs learn the basics of every kind of technology there is? Not only does she know how to make bugs, but also knows about ship construction, and I can't help feeling she would be vital to the Cyclone later on, with this new knowledge about her.
In the last paragraph, shouldn't it be "spacecraft" instead of "aircraft" construction, unless this implies that the Firewall was originally built for air, then later modified for space? Otherwise, I like how the dialogue ended. _
I hope that was a helpful review. Until next review. . .
Spell ya later, TiJiL!
| TiJiL chapter 13 . 8/13/2005
Thanks for the new review, Digi. Glad to see you still following this tale.
We have not imagined a particular flashbackable reason for Sedik to hate flispians, actually. Sedik is essentially meant to embody and caricaturize twassecc traits, among which are racism and violence. Nylari is intended to be a more unorthodox twassecc, definately the more reasonable. You hit the nail on the head with your comment. Stereotypical twasseccs are not reasonable. Logical and capable of using their formidable intelligence to get what they want, yes, but certainly not reasonable.
Your comment on their family nature is funny, too. Never thought of it that way, but now that I think about it, I think you will find that the family thing persists, especially in regard to Sedik.
As for the plot hole, you are correct, that is poorly written. It was intended to reflect that all of them were in the lounge when the Firewall came into range. As the only windows are in the bridge, Nylari, Chuara, and Akiir rush there. Presumeably, Akiir was standing/sitting in the pilot's seat to get a better view, him being little more than four feet tall. We shall fix this to make it clear.
Choeroeds are comedic, one of several races who are stereotypically funny (Hurks, vimp, and to a lesser extent, Nogan, I find inherently hilarious) Even more to the point, though, Akiir is an idiot. Ahh, the joys of slapstick.
Flispians do have a thing for hexagons. Their spacecraft are geometric in nature with blocky, sharp-edged shapes. Truthfully, other flispian ship designs of ours are not so hexagon-centric as we've described the Firewall, but I attribute that to Kek'Tar's personal love of hexagons.
Flispian anatomy is greatly different from that of twasseccs and will be addressed more as the story proceeds.
Thanks for the review, hope to see more.
| DigiDayDreamer chapter 13 . 8/12/2005
Hi TiJiL, back for yet another review.
I'm always ever curious how long you can keep up with Acar's ship's calculations and recovery.
Now we know more about the flispians, Flisp II and other things between them and the twasseccs. Rather convenient that you insert a lot of history into the narration, but I guess that's a must in sci-fi.
I like the concept of having rings become the catalyst of LAW methods. Also we have Akiir talking again! Nice to hear him being normal again, after he's been through.
And the mystery of his necklace is solved and at a convenient time as well. _ I didn't know choeroeds and flispians could be friends, despite the choeroed's relationship with the twasseccs, but the explanations make some sense. I feel sorry for Akiir, being shouted at and being a traitor. But oddly, I feel sorry for Sedik as well, maybe his unusually great hatred for Flispians might be explained in a flashback of sorts later on, well, that's what I'm hoping for.
It's also amusing in a backward way that the crew of a rental ship is like dysfunctional family at best, with Sedik being an almost fatherly yet uncaring leader of sorts, Nylari the caretaker of the ship and being a mother of sorts, and the two choeroeds Akiir and Chuara the excitable, smart children on the journey.
Also great that Nylari is the more reasonable twassecc, one who's breaking out the mold of a stereotypical twassecc. _ Chuara's still the most childish and funniest character, not even minding that sedik didn't know her name.
And then we find even more descriptions about the flispian spaceship and the methods of handling unorthodox ships.
On a sidenote, I think there's a plot hole at this part after the three dots paragraph, one concerning Sedik's and Akiir's positions:
[The freighter’s radar hummed to life, alerting the crew to an approaching vessel. Akiir sprinted to the window, followed by Chuara and Nylari. Sedik remained stubbornly in his chair.]
Three paragraphs later:
[Sedik strode into the room and pushed Akiir bodily from the pilot’s seat.]
I'm a bit confused how Akiir got from the window to the pilot's seat and am wondering which seat Sedik was sitting on, since it was mentioned that he had been in the cockpit the whole time. Well, moving on to the review.
The whole scene with Akiir smashing into the vertical corridor was another hilarious moment there; it seems like choeroeds are more prone to comedy than I expected.
Also, the flispians must have a thing for hexagons. _ I wonder how the flispians could tolerate the heat, though and throw twassecs. Hmm, must be their anatomy.
I'm starting to like Kek'tar as well, and Akiir is beginning to act more like himself again. The pots amused me. _ Initially I thought they had other purposes, so I guess the flispians aren't too different from the twasseccs and choeroeds in their ornamental designs, at least.
Well, that was another great chapter for "Cyclone". Until next review...
Spell ya later!
| DigiDayDreamer chapter 12 . 7/26/2005
Hi, TiJiL! Thought I'd drop by and give another review as usual.
Strangely, the bit on Acar's ship is getting shorter now...looks like it would take a long while before it could get some headway into the plot.
Acclimated, I'm surprised Sedik has a wide range of vocabulary and even more technical know-how than Nylari. _ Even more surprising is his hidden arsenal. Just how many weapons does he have stashed his body? O_o
Akiir is saved from the freezing cargo of doom! Poor Nylari, probably hating Sedik for being insensitive to everything. I wonder what Chuara's up to?
Woohoo! To the Flisp system! A lot of adventures, I can imagine.
As always, the writing's good and I learn new stuff about Nylari's universe as well.
I'll try to review again ASAP. Until then, spell ya later, TiJiL!
| Alienboy411676 chapter 2 . 7/15/2005
This chapter was really good. You give a lot of good information. What I like is that you don't have so much dialogue. Too many stories these days, I think, have way too much dialogue in them, and I have a tendency to get bored to death of dialogue unless it's really, really interesting. The only problem I can think of with this chapter, is that a few of the paragraphs are a little long. I haven't read all of the reviews you've already received, so I don't know if maybe someone has already pointed it out to you, but the length of those paragraphs can be a little duanting. I'm not saying you have to cut anything, all you need to do is divide them each into two or three paragraphs. Other than that, I love the story so far.
| Alienboy411676 chapter 1 . 7/15/2005
Wow, I love the prologue. This is a very excellent story so far, very nicely written. Furthermore, I love how it's in another galaxy with no humans...there really should be more stories like that. I love this story, I shall read the rest of it eagerly.
| DigiDayDreamer chapter 11 . 6/22/2005
I wonder how much more readings we're going to get from Acar's ship before this story ends.
Yeah, I'm back, and I'm awfully a lazy posterior about everything. Anyway, back to the review -
Haha! I like how the chapter officially begins with Nylari asking a humorous question. Well, it's not really humorous, but it led to a humorous answer! ‘Half off for customers with visible cancer!’ - Oh my gravy, pure comic gold, oh, I'm glad this store has the best interests of its customers at heart. XD Even the cashier seems extremely concerned of her own interests. Would like to see more eccentric characters like her.
[“Whichever one rots your lungs faster,” Nylari said scathingly. Sedik looked at both packages, then back at her.
“That isn’t listed on the box… I’ll just get both.”] - Funniest dialogue so far. I really enjoy that twassecc's carefreeness at times. Nylari's probably the most serious character at this point, and even the juggling part got me in fits of laughter! Haha!
So once more, we learn more about the environment and now it's interspersed greatly with the transition between character development and plot progress. Nice to know about the reasons behind the placement of the spaceport and the natural scenery that sort of reminds me like I was in a agrarian homeland.
And then there's the awesomeness of the spaceport in which you minutely yet vividly described all the details the readers need to know and like your style, ends on a comical note. [Within a minute the cab screeched to a stop, causing all but Sedik to slam into the wall.] _
Aww, poor Akiir, being dragged all the way like that literally. I wonder if the flooring's not too rough on him, if the cold cargo bay doesn't hurt him first.
Next, we get some impressive descriptions from the equally impressive hangar. Sometimes I wonder how long has it been for Nylari that she went through the spaceport to get to Chethaltha in the first place.
I like the whole scene with Akiir clawing the floor, he's probably frightened of re-experiencing that prison cell isolation again. And Nylari, vulnerable Nylari, maybe she could learn something from Chuara's deft skipping.
[Nylari groaned at the thought of spending an indefinite period cramped up in this small ship with an egocentric, violent twassecc, a gun-crazed maniac, and a boundlessly enthusiastic chatterbox.] - It sounds all too entertaining. _
And the thing where Nylari slammed into the wall from the launch, it was a bit of a cliche, but hey, I don't mind it, as long as it's funny for the reader. _
[As the final resistance of the atmosphere disappeared and the ship’s gravitic generator recalibrated itself, Nylari pitched forward, nearly throwing up from the nausea. ] - Too bad the ship didn't have barfbags for that. Hmm, I wonder what alien vomit looks like. . .Speaking of which, I wonder what happened to Chuara.
Anyway, it was a great chapter, though short it was, and I liked that last line from Sedik. And I finally catch up to the latest chapter, I think.
Well, I hope this review helped you a little. And there were less adverbs than usual, most of them used for humorous effects. _
Until next review. . .
Spell ya later!