|Reviews for The Legacy of Jzitusia, Fallen Angels Book Three|
| In Search of Sunrise chapter 27 . 9/21/2005
I hope you shall come back soon hahaha
| amethystdawn chapter 27 . 7/5/2005
i shall read forth! _
| amethystdawn chapter 26 . 7/5/2005
HE'S DEAD! _ gah! *sobs* how can porsla pick the wrong person! _
Other comments:I think you've really improved in writing, not gramatically (lots of grammar and spelling problems...) but in creativity and content. _ I like this line "his eyes as dry as the Desert of Time." gives the story a nice poetic touch... but somehow, it doesn't quite fit in... _ anyways, keep writing! _
| tarielenion chapter 27 . 6/28/2005
Evil. You just cut it off as soon as he's dead. Evil, evil, evil. Grr.
No, it's OK. I haven't updated in forever, so I can't really say anything.
| amethystdawn chapter 25 . 6/21/2005
Since when did you become a turtle? *raises eyebrow and grins*
Anyways... YOU KILLED HIM! HOW CAN YOU JUST KILL HIM? And I'm against to killing porsla too... but, she should have died when her head hit the ceiling. from the way you made it sound, it was a really strong impact... if not, the landing would have crushed her bones... Another thing is how come the metal didn't affect porsla until she accidentally touched it? *wonders*
Once again ,your grammar needs improvement and spelling too. You should get a proofreader... maybe your sis? And I think you've cussed more in here... (didn't you say you were trying to get out of that habit?)
Nice chappie (pretty exciting and ending's not too bad, tho i wanna stomp on your foot for killing anray) and i'm glad you've got another chappie 'cause that means it's not the end! _ I'll read it later, but now i gotta go.
Missed you! *hugs*
PS: frozen heart's updated! yey!
| MageDay chapter 26 . 6/9/2005
Interesting just...killed him?
Let's see...you are an ok writer as far as plot goes, even though now I am starting to compare some of this to Eragon, now I see what Elenbarathi means. (really think you should changer 'E'ragon's' name...too similiar to the book)
You still have a long way to go as far as character developement, there are many ideas coming up throughout your story, they are somewhat difficult to kept separate. Also, you need more description, somethings seem to just happen.
| tarielenion chapter 26 . 6/8/2005
He's *dead*..Let me think about that for a minute..He's *dead*?.All right, there's obviously some sort of plot twist that'll make him come back to life...right?.Maybe I should pay attention when you say there's a "surprise"...and then I shouldn't fool myself into thinking it's a good one..Gah!.All right. Other than the grammar and spelling *ducks rotten tomatoes and other things that go SPLAT*, I thought this chapter was really good. I especially liked your description of the king. One thing I'd like to say, though: probably nobody in your universe/world/thing would know what a "subatomic sound wave" was. It's probably better to keep your vocabulary to a level that the main character would use and understand..Also (and forgive me if I'm assuming too much, or remembering incorrectly), but wouldn't Rans die or be weakened or something, being linked like he was to Anray? *shrug* I'm probably thinking about Eragon instead, though..Um, about this Knightsrain...has he been mentioned before? Sorry for being really ignorant about this. Oh, and how could one be "a good friend" but not be "loyal"? It kind of ... I don't know, an oxymoron..When you have Porsla landing on the ground with Anray, you say she's unconscious. Then you have Zethrof yelling at her and her answering? Did she wake up? Is she dreaming this? Is she still unconscious but mind-talking to Zethrof? Is she using magic? Inquiring minds want to know!.Oh, and what about E'ragon "studying" Anray's wounds? Is he studying the cadaver because he wants to be a doctor? Or does he just want to memorize them for some other reason? I think what you meant is that he's seeing how he died, but (along with some other passages) it's kind of unclear..One more thing: at the end of the last chapter, Anray is saying something about Hinohath. Again, did I just miss this or is it something entirely new?.Altogether, though, pretty good chapter. Please don't throw things that go SPLAT at me because of the grammar or because I've forgotten stuff. Meep..*goes to hide just in case*
| In Search of Sunrise chapter 5 . 5/19/2005
I've still got a longg way to go...but i love it so far! haha actually...if you read a bit of my story...haha...somehow...some of the details are similar lol...but of course...yours is a heck of alot more developped than mine and better haha...I liked the action and the characters like Anray and his enemy the Shondrin, and the idea of the Shiftra is great! you should keep up the chapters...k..i g2g read the rest!
| amethystdawn chapter 24 . 5/12/2005
This chapter's better than the rest, but you still have to work on that grammar and spelling. :)
I'll read more later. Right now, I have to go.
| MageDay chapter 25 . 5/1/2005
Ok, your swearing...hm, it seems to have increased in this chapter, as you have said. If you are a bit at unease with swearing, you can always add more description in subsitute for the dialogue.
Your second paragraph (rewritten) just as an example:
[BEGIN]Anray found himself sitting in Carn’s saddle as his steed trotted quickly along the pass. When Anray couldn't hold inside that one thought any longer, despite the piercing agony in his shoulder, he leapt from Carn’s back, unleashing his furious attack on Porsla.
He swung sword viciously at her, “Why the hell did we leave? All those people - they're all dead because of /you!/ How could you..you said we wouldn’t run away! You promised it!" His voice roared on, echoing against his hate and anguish, "You're a liar, a fool; I hate you!”[END]
I want to agree with the few points Elenbarathi brought up; about Porsela's moral twist. You've got to keep in mind those ideas when writing, don't get ahead of yourself. You're definately young at writing, but that's why we writers train our minds to work a story on a one-way street. :)Then you get better. As for the chapter overall, good as always, and keep writing.
| florida chapter 3 . 4/27/2005
hey great capters, but im afraid that i still have loads more to read. Im really starting to like it, your story keeps getting better and better by the second... or should i say cahpter...~florida
| amethystdawn chapter 23 . 4/26/2005
Aw... that's sweet. A bit of romance in the end. Plot's gettign more interesting and you gave a lot of history alright... but I don't mean to offend but, I don't know, it's sort of ... a bit... dull I guess. I'm guessing this is necessary though. So the truth's out and little Anray must accept his role.
You still have some grammar problems, like at first you said FIFTY Minstra, and then later in the chapter, you said FIFTEEN. Maybe you should get someone as your proofreader? Like your sis or bro? _~
PS:It's just a bit of an advice. I don't mean to offend.
My eyes are starting to burn. I have to go now.
| amethystdawn chapter 22 . 4/26/2005
Sounds like you've got a picture of the middle east in your mind._ Except they don't go barefoot... Oh well, i will read some more.
| tarielenion chapter 25 . 4/26/2005
I don't know if you accept anonymous reviews yet, but it just occurred to me that if you haven't changed it, you might want to now.
All right. In the first bit of it Anray is kind of crazy. I don't know if that's how you wanted to portray him, but he comes out a bit stupid in my humble opinion. Also, ten minutes is a bit long to hold a sword steady, and Porsla doesn't strike me as the type of person who would cry.
When Anray and Porsla are killing the Shondrin's search party, I thought Porsla had said that killing was wrong. Bit of a moral shift there...
Why doesn't the Shondrin just kill Anray then and there? If the Shondrin doesn't have any use for him, he should just get rid of him. Unless he's necessary for something. I didn't guess something there, did I?
How does Anray know about the Ma Hadur? Are they common knowledge or is he just special? Oh, and isn't crunching one's head on a stone floor often fatal?
Just one thing I noticed (other than the extra commas in some places) is that you sometimes use informal language: I wouldn't use words like "okay" and "hurl".
Two odd questions: if the Shondrin built the Ma Hadur, how did Anray know about it before? (Is the Shondrin long-lived or immortal?) And couldn't the Shondrin use magic to get food or water while he was watching them?
One final (longish) bit, about the Jinthary metal. First, does the metal only counteract his will if he works through it? What if, say, the Shondrin flooded all the cells? I know he couldn't help Porsla much, but could he get air for himself? And does it work on the Shondrin or the king? Why, if Porsla only touched it, did she get thrown into the air like she did? If Porsla knew about the Ma Hadur (she seems more likely than Anray to know about it, being a wanderer before and all), why didn't she know about the metal? And lastly, where is the metal found, or how is it made?
Thanks for reading my (longwinded) review. I know I said I had homework, but screw that. I'll go read that one chapter now. Good ideas, just work on grammar/spelling. (ducks rotten fruit)
| amethystdawn chapter 19 . 4/19/2005
Mr. Maj'io's a bad man. A very bad man. Bad man must suffer. *watches thing turn into goop*
Is the Maj'io an animal of some kind? He sounds like it. And why the heck did Anray eat a fly or whatever insect that is? Great, now you have that nursery song stuck in my head: "I know an old lady who swallowed a fly. Why oh why did she swallow a fly? i don't know, perhaps she'll die..."
Anyways, gotta go, dinner time. (flies... yech...)