|Reviews for Break Away|
| Camman chapter 1 . 2/3/2005
'How can I cry knowing that I can’t break away from this pain.'I like that line there, reminds me of my life for awhile. Lots of questions I've asked myself, now you need a sister poem to go with this one to find some answers. I find that helps, to have a poem of questions and then a poem of answers, its funny how our minds know the answers we dare not speak.
| myno chapter 1 . 1/16/2005
hm... the format needs some work, but the poetry itself is quite good. Strong emotion.
| Honey Nut Loop and m-j chapter 1 . 1/12/2005
cool, deep. Um i think you had a formatting error though.
| Toph Gonzalez chapter 1 . 1/9/2005
I especially like the last line. This piece though is easily not poetry without the stanzas and all. And what I can see is that you need to add a little more imagery and metaphor to your poems to bring more color to them. With those two elements in mind, no doubt, you would craft excellent poetry. Give me a call (via a review) if you've another poem up so I can see your improvements...
| philoslove chapter 1 . 1/8/2005
okay, I have absolutely no idea how you take constructive criticism, but well, hope you take it well.
Firstly, I wouldn't classify this as poetry. Where are the stanzas? These seem more like paragraphs, in a diary entry (which isn't allowed on fictionpress).
The second line, "my world SEEN", should be 'seems'. A typo error perhaps? That's pretty all right.
"How can I break away from all this pain that’s killing inside?" It should be killing ME inside. What exactly is the pain killing? Your intestines? Or you?
Grammatical errors, or perhaps typo erros, I don't know. "I want leave here ", should be corrected to "I want TO leave THIS PLACE". "break away from this misery life that kept ", it should be 'break away from this MISERABLE life". I would suggest not to use 'ok', but 'okay'. In fact, I don't even advise you to use it in poetry. Your punctuation leaves much to be desired, sorry to say. There are a lot of other mistakes in this piece, such as 'crushing', your world can't crush down on you. It can CRUSH you, and CRASH DOWN on you.
I suggest reading up more on poetry, use literary devices such as imagery, metaphors, similes, and watch the iambic pentameter, maybe use rhythm. Remember that choice of words is very very important. Since you like Shakespeare, he uses lots of beautiful imagery, learn from his works. Always check your work before posting it up, or get a beta reader (I think it's more common on than fictionpress though). Use imagery, and a good vocabulary to express your emotions better, to make a poem more arresting, to capture the reader's attention, and go "WOW, this is so powerful."
I wouldn't consider this poetry at all. Hope you can take this well, because I mean absolutely no offense. I know you can do it, in fact, I think yo're quite promising, just brush up on the language and the work. No offense.