|Reviews for Dai's Story|
| eiyuang999 chapter 1 . 5/25/2010
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| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 16 . 1/12/2008
Wow - Dai and Ana mst have some serious history for her to freak out at his working with a bizarre alient creature to escape from a planet where he's been enslaved for who knows how long lol. I've been ignoring typos, but I wish I know how Dai's surname was spelled :) You've got a lot of variations in here. Good chapter.
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 15 . 1/12/2008
This chapter moved too quickly. I like the explanation of the reason the weapon worked, but felt like the gladiator games as "entertainment" for the captives seemed a little far-fetched considering they have to fight to the death... maybe I'm not barbaric enough :)
The shape-shifting thing was a total surprise, either the ones Dai interacted with seemed to look the same, or I just didn't catch differences... and I totally did not get that they were canine looking. Hm... off to read more.
Writing takes time, and I too flit from project to project :) Take your time and know eventually I'll keep reading if you keep writing!
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 14 . 1/11/2008
The architecture and city sound beautiful. I have some ideas but am excited to see what comes next. This chapter could use a little expansion for clarity and flow, but is good overall.
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 13 . 1/11/2008
Aha! Finally, insight into the Dla (great alien species name by the way).
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 12 . 1/11/2008
You did such an amazing job setting up the dirty, dry, bleakness of the life Dai lived as an arena fighter that I was surprised to read of the lushness in portions of the city. I had assumed it was a desert planet. Interesting descriptions in this chapter.
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 11 . 1/11/2008
I'm not sold on Moriarty's character yet - there's not quite enough info about him yet, so the oboe thing is great, but seems kinds of random. I suppose my suggestion for this chapter (as with most lol) is to make it longer and really delve into the thoughts and perceptions of the characters. The journal entry is really interesting... sounds like Ana was looking for a chance. I look forward to seeing Aaron develop as well.
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 10 . 1/10/2008
“It’s the fully formed plans that run into snags.”
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 9 . 1/10/2008
I enjoyed some of the humor in this chapter-Ana's muttering at the end was well done.
I'd like to hear more than bluster from Dai in this chapter. He's angry and spouting a dozen different ideas at a time, clearly confused about what is going on... I'd like more depth. I really like the way the plot is going though, and I am starting to see this as a Star Wars-type epic story (that's a compliment).
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 8 . 1/10/2008
Okay, are we missing a chapter 7? You have titled Sixth and Eighth - just want to be sure I haven't lost part of the story :)
I love the paragraph about the pyramid ships/confusion/paranoia!
Lots of interesting history and questions in this chapter. I'm thouroughly enjoying this!
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 7 . 1/10/2008
This chapter is shorter than I'd prefer, but quite powerful. The song is beautiful and I particularly like:
"Breathe/and then escape/extend your wings, dear one/you hold some home inside you"
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 6 . 1/10/2008
Wow! This chapter brings about a surprising change of pace and I really liked it! Good work!
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 5 . 1/10/2008
The only real choppiness I felt in this was here:
"Part of him screamed to go back and obey the Dla like everyone did, while part of him swamped that with logic, terror, and a person whose words were but a section in his life, a detached and limited one."
It seems as if what you are describing is more instinct than logic, and it feels a little jumbled in meaning to me.
I'd like to see this chapter longer, extended. I think you could do a lot to bild suspense for the reader about the place he wakes up and describe more of the primitive-yet-technologically-advanced Dla.
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 4 . 10/1/2007
You write action well, and those parts of the story are easy to follow. "Fainted" should be "feinted".
| Halcyon Impulsion chapter 3 . 10/1/2007
Hmm... "glop" and "dry, chewy" seem to be fiarly opposite as far as descriptors go. The description of the room in the second paragraph is really great and makes it easy to see. This chapter is a little rough when it comes to nuts and bolts (and short), but has some good imagery. Keep it up!