|Reviews for Still Untitled|
| gypsylass chapter 1 . 2/5/2005
oh i like this...its a good beginning!
| Galadh Niniel chapter 1 . 1/21/2005
I would give you honest criticism if there was anything to criticize. I really like this, I do not find the erudite diction disturbing or anything, it gives a unique quality to your text that fits the topic and the atmosphere you evoke. You create an interesting, fascinating portrait of both the speaker and the man (s)he craves for. I especially like the contrasts that surround him, the paradoxes, such as "immoral saviour", "dead god among men" etc. I cherish the intensity of the love portrayed (I have always valued intensity), and the images you use are flawless, though they take some time to unravel, but they make this a truly unique text, very dense and atmospheric, and, as I said, intense. Well done.
| whisper's song 2 lazy 2 sign in chapter 1 . 1/20/2005
i agre this is a very very wonderfully written peice of work, though it seemded more like a poem. wel not really a poem but a story/poem, if you get what i mean. if you want to make it less like a poem, my suggestion it so make it a little more clear, with a little more plot, and maybe you should lessen the discriptive words, though i understood most of the words, i don't think lot's oof other people will. but keep writing, i like what you've written here, whatever it sounds like i'am trying to say.
| jackson chapter 1 . 1/20/2005
et wes sortoe good but to sapy!from buff deer men.
| LimeJuiceTub chapter 1 . 1/20/2005
Hey! This is a very exquisite piece of descriptive writing. The language used is very sophisticated and you obviously have a wide vocabulary. However, this is not always a positive factor, depending on your intended audience. Personally, I believe that the general populace who frequent sites such as FictionPress would need a dictionary beside them, simply because they would not know a lot of the words.
If you're aiming for an audience who can understand the vocabulary, then it's completely fine, but if you're aiming for the general populace, then maybe you should use only some of your sophisticated vocabulary and perhaps exchange some simpler vocabulary in. But since I understand your vocabulary, it's all good on this end. I can see a clear picture in my mind, so that's all good! :)
This, to me, actually sounds very much like a poem. I think it would work very well if you put it into a poem form of some sort.
There are a few phrases I'm not quite sure about. 'Wines virgin to any lips' - are you simply saying the wine hasn't been drunk before? And how does that fit in into the description?
And also - 'immoral saviour'? Do you mean immortal? But then again, that would mean the next phrase wouldn't make sense - 'dead god among men'. Or does that mean that even though he is immortal - has eternal life - men do not know nor acknowledge nor believe in him? Sorry - I just feel weird - because generally, saviours are not supposed to be immoral. If they're doing good deeds, that already shows them to have some morals and compassion.
Also, when you say 'weaves his wicked spells', do you mean wicked as in bad, evil etc., or are they wicked simply because they're entrancing?
Anyhow, this was a great piece of descriptive writing! Hope you can come up with a title soon! :)