I liked it. I only have a few suggestions, don't start a sentence with the word so, and "He knew better than to let something so small now, grow into something as huge as his one true enemy." this sentence just doesn't sound right:S I like how the general talks, haha, he's unique! Screw Up doesn't fit in your story though.. it seems to throw it off. heald is spelled held. fealt is spelled felt. "Now blackness swirled all about Jarien as he heard the footsteps came close to being on top of him." the came doesn't sound right...

Other than that, I liked it. Much improvement. And please don't give up on this one... Just because I gave suggestions doesn't mean it is bad, it's good. I liked it! toodles