|Reviews for Fatima|
| kelsi bones chapter 6 . 4/3/2005
Hey. I really like your story, are you gunna update soon? Please do!
| Beth Tsany chapter 4 . 2/13/2005
I'd like to see a bit more sadness from Sarai. The death of her mother should invoke more feeling.
Other than that, the story itself is excellent. Keep at it!
| Beth Tsany chapter 3 . 2/13/2005
Aha! So Zac IS interested in Fatima. You've got a great set up for a love triangle but make sure to keep chapters full of some nice description and dialogue.
| Beth Tsany chapter 2 . 1/26/2005
I was a bit bummed in the beginning. We didn't get to see the conversation between Fatima and Zac. I did, however, thoroughly enjoy the exchange between Fatima and Joy.
And Sarai showing up was a shocker! Plot twist! Yay for plot twists!
I found it a bit off-putting that Sarai's mother just died and she manages to become interested in Zac. Did she have a bad relationship with her mom? Because she sure bounced back quickly.
Still, the introduction of Tom was definitely a treat.
Anyways, you've gotten better at the pacing thing, but it still needs to be slowed down a bit. Also, to quote creative writing teachers everywhere, "Show, don't tell!" SHOW us what's going on; Don't summarize.
| Beth Tsany chapter 1 . 1/26/2005
You opened up with such a beautiful description and then completely blew through the background information. And then after you went through the background information you sped on into the main action much too fast. You need to work on slowing down the pacing. No need to rush!
Also, the dialogue was a bit off. Fatima's alright, but Joy seems a bit too long winded. Hardly anyone speaks so completely these days, so unless you address that as a character trait in a later chapter, it's just going to seem weird.
You have created an interesting conflict, though. And I'm eager to see where this all goes.