Reviews for The Knightettes of the Quadrilateral Table
Elaes Mada chapter 17 . 8/19/2008
If the "horses were saddles" then what did everyone ride? j/k

The story is moving along nicely, it seems (and if you guys would write more often, then it'd move along even better, hehe). Anyways, your writing has also improved; not so many silly gramar and spelling errors, though there are still plenty, of course. The more important thing now, I think, is to focus on how you're going to get through the inevitable upcoming confrontation between the good folk and the bad folk. Will it be tense and nerve-wracking or will the bad guys slaughter the good guys hands-down? Or vice versa, I suppose, hehe. Well we won't know until you write it, so get going...
Elaes Mada chapter 15 . 8/1/2007
Finally! I think I may have to read everything again so I can remember what was happening, lol. You have your typical gramar/spelling mistakes, but I think you are improving overall. As I mentioned IRL, the "set up camp while we set up camp" is just too funny. Anyway, since you have a cliffhanger here, you can't wait so long to post another chapter, hehe.
Paul Maranto chapter 1 . 3/17/2007
Good story. Good character development. Nice transitions from the story set up to the introduction of the problem. I look forward to finding out what happens in the rest of the story.

Could probobly make the conflict in the story more urgent and compelling for the protagonist.
Elaes Mada chapter 14 . 3/14/2007
it's been so long; I had to go back and read the last chapter again, hehe. Well, anyway, good job on updating. Noticed that you kind of blew past a couple areas. This was a pretty big update with a lot things happening, so I can understand, but it seems a bit rushed. Not a big deal, but you might want to give it another look-through, when you have time.
kelsey chapter 14 . 3/14/2007
ok... i know ive told you this every time but... MORE DESCRIPTION. there are some good parts that if you just tweaked it a bit they would be great but others need to be redone.
Eats Shoots and Leaves chapter 1 . 3/14/2007
OK, so here's the thing that most bothers me: your grammar. You don't seem to know how to use modifiers.

For instance: She said something into the phone when her mother walked into the room and then put her hand over the receiver.

The modifier here is misplaced. The way you have it written, the girl's mother comes into the room and puts her hand over the receiver. If you want the girl to put her hand over the receiver, you should say something like:

The girl said something into the phone, and then put her hand over the receiver when her mother walked into the room.

It's just a bit clearer.

Another example:

A young woman suddenly jumped up and whipped out her silver and blue flip phone from her back right pocket which had abruptly vibrated.

The sentence you have means that the pocket had vibrated. This is alright I guess, as it is a somewhat acceptable slang nowadays. However, if you want to say that the phone vibrated, you should say something like:

... jumped up and whipped from her pocket her vibrating cell phone.

Another small issue:

a loud voice talked through the cell phone.

You should use "said" not "talked." It's better English.

Misplaced modifier:

A young woman and her friend leisurely walked along the cliff getting misted by the water.

You can figure this out: is the cliff being misted, or are the two people? And: is misted a verb? Or an adjective?

OK, that is it for my review. I could go on with the grammar, but I think you should take a look at that. Re-read, perhaps with an English teacher or a parent. It will make your story more professional. Your idea is good, and your tone is cute, but the technical delivery is weak.
Lorendiac chapter 1 . 8/18/2006
Something you might like to know: It was the word "Knightettes" in your title that drew me in and persuaded me I was going to read at least the first chapter of this, even before I got as far as noticing the part about the "Equilateral Table" which was also an amusing way of naming something. "Knightettes" just seemed like such a silly, humorous word that I wanted to know more about the story it referred to. I don't say I would do anything so extravagant as actually paying hard-earned money for a book in the store just because it had the word "Knightettes" on the cover, but it would definitely catch my eye! :)

On the other hand, when I started reading the text of the first chapter, I stumbled across enough typographical errors to constitute a bit of a nuisance. I saw a note at the bottom saying you had overhauled your work in July, but I suggest you seriously consider taking the time to go back through it once again, looking for things to fix, and then uploading the 'revised' version to replace it as Chapter One of your story, so that it'll make a better "first impression" on anyone who, like me, comes in very late and only starts looking at your material after you've posted a new chapter. I once read a book on creative writing that recommended an aspiring novelist should work extra-extra-hard on finding and fixing any little mistakes in the first chapter of the manuscript, and particularly the first page of the first chapter, before mailing it to a publisher and hoping to sell the book.

I think the author of the book put it something like this: "If an editor likes your book enough to read the first hundred pages, and THEN she finds a big fat typo in the middle of Page 100, she's likely to forgive that because you've already got her hooked. But if, instead, she sees the same 'obvious mistake' in the middle of the FIRST page, she may just give up on you immediately on the theory that every other page of the manuscript is probably full of similar mistakes, so why should she bother wasting any more time on you right now?"

I won't bother to list every single little typo, but I'll point out a few as samples, along with other comments that occurred to me.

A young woman with her legs propped up was sitting on a chair. She said something into the phone when her mother walked into the room and then put her hand over the receiver.

* “It Luke,” the young woman said to her mother’s questioning look, *

"It's Luke,"

* This is their last week,” answered the daughter, her long dark hair gracefully draped about her shoulders. Two blonde streaks fell across her right shoulder slightly covering her pleading brown eyes. *

It's shameless nitpicking time! (Isn't it always that time where I am concerned?)

For some reason, I'm having trouble visualizing that last part. If two blonde streaks are both on the right side, over by her right shoulder, how can they be covering her "eyes," plural, meaning both eyes and not just the one on the right? I know you said "slightly covering" but I still find myself trying to see blond streaks of her hair stretched sideways across her face to "slightly cover" the left eye, and also "slightly cover" the right eye, and then fall down across her right shoulder.

* A young woman and her friend leisurely walked along the cliff getting misted by the water. *

"A young woman and her friend" is not as clear as it should be. The way you put it, I tend to assume at first glance that the "friend" must be male, because you seem to be stating that only one of the two people walking along the cliff is "a young woman." Therefore, the second person must be something else entirely, since you didn't say "two young women." Then, in the next paragraph, you say "one of the girls asked" and it becomes clear that both of the walkers in this scene are female, and probably about the same age.

If you don't want to use their names right away in this passage, you could find other ways to describe them so the reader knows there are two people walking and both of them are young and female. Just off the top of my head, something like:

"Two young women leisurely walked along the cliff getting misted by the water. One was wearing a Garfield T-shirt; her friend had darker hair tied back in a ponytail."

(There is nothing sacred about this example! You may feel that a Garfield T-Shirt is all wrong for any of your characters, or whatever - I just offer this as one random example of a way to change this passage to clarify what's going on.)

* “Your right Anette, but when as I was walking to the shore to meet you, I saw your parents leaving.” *

Two typoes in the first three words. Should start: "You're right, Annette," and so forth.

* They came upon a turn off with many pot holes in the road, that hadn’t been fixed yet from last week’s storm, leading into the McCabe camp site. *

I believe that should be written as one word, "turnoff." I admit that for all I know, good grammar might permit using the phrase "turn off" as a noun, but it doesn't feel right to me. This opinion is offered for whatever it's worth.

* They are resting on a big boulder with their feet dangling in a small stream, trying to figure out where they were. *

I'm pretty sure you meant to say "were resting" instead of "are resting."

* “Ah! We’re going to die. There’s an ax murder in the woods here to kill us! There are frightening creatures in the woods that can eat us alive in one bit and you said the fire would scare them away!” Anette yelled at the top of her lungs. *

I laughed. All that over one broken twig? Just a wee bit paranoid, isn't she?

Also, shouldn't it be an "ax murderer" instead of an "ax murder"? And shouldn't that part in the mdidle be "eat us alive in one bite" instead of "one bit"?

* She fell down the hole dragging her screaming companies with her. *

"Companions," do you mean?
ecallers chapter 12 . 6/3/2006
lovley. well it it ok so far for a first draft look out for my new storyKouyou that might be on here
XxDragon Princess NikkixX chapter 11 . 1/23/2006
Lmao! Dude where's my weapon..haha. Thats good. Man, I've missed a few updates. My bad. This is awesome. Keep up the great work! And thanks for your support on the Assassin of Kevari. You're reviews mean the world to me, thanks! *hugz*
ecallers chapter 11 . 1/14/2006
if you need help with characters just ask me and tell me the base of the character.
The Moon Child chapter 10 . 1/6/2006
“Rawk. I am not a parrot. I’m a human,” Andy waddled up to the bars of the cell and slipped through, “Rawk. Get it straight lady.”Teehe...I seem to find the most random things funny...I don't know why, but I kept replaying that part through my head and laughing my head off...

Anyway, your story seems great so far, maybe lacking a little in the description department, but otherwise good. Update please!
The Moon Child chapter 1 . 1/6/2006
Ahahahaha! The Knightettes of the Quadrilateral Table? I don't know if it was supposed to be humourous or not (if not, I'm terribly sorry), but that seriously cracked me up...Anyway, this first chapter seems great, I couldn't even find any problems with it- good work!
Nightly Reverie chapter 2 . 12/21/2005
Awesome, I read the first chapter! WOO! Towards the end it got me interested.. yeah, I'll just keep on reading
Kizune chapter 10 . 11/2/2005
You story is very intrigueing, though at the beginning it seemed a little bit boring. Your writing is improving with every chapter, but I think writing from a person's POV is kind of out of place. It doesn't spoil the story but simply doesn't match with up the good work and, please, don't make Raiden a bad guy. He's so cute! (Just in case you have such evil thoughts:)
bulletproof.cupid chapter 9 . 8/13/2005
I want light magic! Lol, update soon and keep up the good work. Sorry I'm not such a consistent reviewer, but hey, I'm still here reading this. Adios and update soon hun... umm hun P L8er
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