|Reviews for Wanted|
| Saddie McCloud chapter 1 . 7/28/2006
Hey, thanks for reviewing my story. I thought I'd return the favor. I really like your story, and I hope you have more up soon. This has me curious and wanting to read more.
| Renozrai chapter 2 . 1/6/2006
I honestly cannot tell what is going on here. When we left off, she was confronted by the man in the mercedes so I assuming this is a quick dialogue before they haul her in.
"I just have one question..." is that all he says? I can't tell if anything following that comma has to do with what he is saying or what he is doing.
I know that the "...?..." means she is saying nothing and that italics means thought but the rest I am unclear about.
Also "that tricker" I am not sure if that is a word, perhaps "trickster?" if that's the case then I dont think it's an appropriate thing for her to say since she isnt very fond of him. I dont think someone in her position would call someone that creeped her out and is trying to capture her a tricker or trickster. I think something along the lines of "Deceptive bastard" or "deceiver" would do better. That's just my opinion though.
The story's still got me intrigued. I want to know where this goes, please continue. :)
| Becca chapter 1 . 12/17/2005
Hey, I'm Polished Gem if you check on . In truth, I'm reviewing your story because I was interested in getting some good critisism on my own. Therefore, I won't just say I like it, I'll actually really review it. First of all, the first sentence sounds a little awkward...no offense or anything. It would sound better if you reworded it a little better. You need to watch your tenses a little. In one sentence you went from past tense to present when it should all be in past tense. Also awkward: Nothing seemed abnormal-but isn't the worst going to happen when it's the quietest? I would rephrase that. If you want an example then: Nothing seemed out of place, but from her experience, that's when disaster sruck the hardest. Don't take that if you don't want it. I didn't write it any better than you , men in white lab coats. Have you ever read Extreme Zone? I think you'd like tilted and turned her head...awkward most amazingly DNA-altered girl could probably walk a little better in , it's almost like she's in the world the size of a snow globe or something and he's staring 's very interesting. I'll give you that. The reason this sounds so disjointed is because I review while I'm reading. Anyway, I liked it. I'd watch the awkward wording sometimes. Overall, good job!If you want to review some of my stuff I'll be all the happier. I put my story in the LJ Smith section of . Thanks!Polished Gem
| Th1rt33n chapter 2 . 12/3/2005
Wow! I like it! I've never read a story like this one and honestly I can't tell what will happen next, and be sure about it! One suggestion, maybe if you were to describe the main character (s) a little more might be able to give me a good picture. But you'll probably do that later! (- Christine
| Number 34 Freelancer chapter 1 . 9/17/2005
It seems a bit brokent at parts, and a little more work in flow wouldn't hurt that. I can't really complain though, because some of my earlier writings seem to suffer from the same problems, some of my writings now suffer from the same problems.
| Lersguin chapter 1 . 7/8/2005
I don't think I can say much more than Farla. This is painful, chidish collection of the cliche and the unbelievable. Hopefully you will take her advice and but just a little more effort and thought into something you claim you wish to get paid for one day.
| Chryse chapter 1 . 7/7/2005
Hi!I just read your story and it's very well written. I like your storyline so far, don't leave me in suspense too long!
I have a suggetion for a furthering of your storyline (since I don't know what you have in mind I'll just tell you how I would take it...).Perhaps HE (whoever HE is...) could have created another "hunter" this time. A guy who's only thought can be of her capture (assuming she escapes somehow); he has no free will because HE took it from him. However, there's a difference between he and she. He is better/stronger/faster, etc.
Anyway, that was my thought for you. Once again, I really enjoyed it so far.
| Insane Creator chapter 1 . 4/18/2005
Really cool story post more soon. How do you allow anoym? I'm kinda new to this.
| Younger Farla chapter 1 . 3/4/2005
The opening of this seems rather pretentious and forced. The very first sentence reads like a flawed metaphor - it being a black night sky, how are the stars merely 'like' Christmas tree lights in a black night?
I don't see how her carrying groceries makes it seem like she's a longtime resident. Surely people who've just moved in also have to buy food.
"Nothing seemed abnormal—but isn’t the worst going to happen when it’s the quietest?"Screwy syntax here - I'd really suggest you reword. Also, although there's something to be said for the 'calm before a storm', oftentimes there's no connection between something bad happening and something bad not happening.
You know, wearing high heels in an area with crappy pavement makes you look like you *aren't* from around there, as if you were you'd know the condition of the sidewalks. Not to mention not too many girls go grocery shopping in high heels at night. Far from any illusion about her being a standard resident, I imagine she should be attracting quite a few stares from any people she runs into.
Hunter's grace? Please. Aside from there not really being much connection between hunters and grace, that is a horribly cliche phrase.
"...with the mouth of a sailor she spoke every time she was about to lose her balance."Er, no. Aside from that, again, making her an even more noticeable figure (seeing as 'swearing like a sailor' involves not just the words but the volume), your word choices here are rather jarring.
Typing in 'asterisk' is imbecile. Especially considering the entire point of asterisk scene breaks was so you could break text without words.
Oh, and marking flashbacks is pretty childish.
Generic scientists, joy. I'm amused that supposedly intelligent people seem to have such low-functioning speech. Now, regardless what you may want to believe, being strong and slim are pretty much mutually exclusive if you want her to be noticeably stronger than a normal human. If they want her to sneak in somewhere, she's not going to need much strength, and vise versa, so it's really pointless anyway. May I also emphasize how utterly trivial being 'slim' is. Why didn't you just say 'has to have curves in all the right places' and be done with it?
Strangely, running is not a separate, independent skill from being fast and strong.
Oh, yes. If they're accomplishing this with training, then 'has to look normal' is not an issue since they wouldn't be altering her body to start.
By the way. If you're going to create some super whatever, believe me, you don't use the coerced. You use the willing because of, yes, that pesky little issue where they run away or turn on you, possibly both. Besides the fact that the willing don't try to sabotage the process.
Generic 'he', hm? This is looking more and more like a collection of cliches.
Why did she escape? Why were the people around her who are presumably quite aware of her abilities not able to prevent this?
" She was going to laugh but then remembered that she didn’t want to draw attention to herself—something her laughter always did."So let me get this straight. A lone girl is walking with groceries and high heels down a street at night constantly tripping and almost falling while swearing loudly and she's worried about her *laughter* giving her away?
Okay. You know, near the start you started to say that it seemed to make no sense she was wearing the shoes when it made it so hard to move. And then you say "That’s why I’m wearing these shoes." and then reiterate about how it makes no sense because the only hope she has of getting away is running and she can't run in them. Your logic confuses and frightens me.
You're obviously trying to use pronouns for effect, but trust me, it's failing.
Ditto for the trendy little quotation marks around words.
The 'gifts/curses' thing? Horribly, nauseatingly overdone. Plus, I'd like a coherent explanation for why it sucks so much to have superhuman abilities.
Oh, and the slash thing? Also very annoying. People don't think with slashes.
Drugs? No, drugs can't function as your magic plot device to give a character abilities. They're remarkably limited things. Also: you do not pick a random little girl for this, you pick an adult man who's loyal to the organization. Because anyone smart enough to create a drug is not going to randomly decide the ultimate fighter is a slender little girl.
::rolls eyes:: Oh, the angsting, the angsting. Poor her, given all these powers and then used as a tool with no respect for her own feelings by the mean, mean scientists.
'All the bags'? Exactly how many is she carrying? Why is she looking to see where they land when it's pretty obvious they're going to land a short distance in front of her and nowhere else? Why would 'tying the eggs into the bag' help in the slightest when she's just dropped the bags as well?
She's attacked, starts running, and doesn't even have the presence of mind to kick off her high heels? You can't possibly make the excuse she still doesn't want to so she won't attract attention when she's already being chased.
Incidentally - she's a girl running into the street while chased a yelling man and none of the drivers even blink?
If she's so wanted and it's because of her physical abilities, the guns shouldn't be much of a threat. They shoot her, odds are she's out of commission and thus useless.
I also find it a bit hard to believe that all those drivers also think nothing of a bunch of 'army' trucks stopping and unloading armed men.
And then there's the rather non sequitur ending, where she seems to decide all is lost simply based on the fact the 'he' showed up.
Your plot is an interesting mixture of the nonsensical and cliche, and your character's a pretty generic Lab sue.
| Hannah chapter 1 . 2/18/2005
wow...um yeah. i hate it. i mean, why is she wearing high heels just to un-draw attention to herself? she could wear sneakers. Besides thin high heels walking down a street at night screams to me prostitute and i would draw attention to her. Plus, when did you say it was the fourth of July?otherwise good job.
| Renozrai chapter 1 . 2/9/2005
Awesome story. I was left in suspence and kept looking for the chapter 2 link. I would like to see more of it. This sounds like its going to be really good.
However there were a few grammatical errors (it happens) and there was one thing I had a problem with: it was the dialogue the scientists or men in white coats were having during the first flashback. It felt too out of the blue for the scientists to be saying that. For me it felt as if they were in a brainstorming type of mood and didn't really know what they were going to do with the main character. I would've liked to have read that scene in more detail. I don't think that would take from the story at all but would help me sympathize with her more. Some questions I had were: How long has she been free? Did she know anyone in that town? Was she trying to live a normal life, or just stopping by while on the run?
I definitely would like to see/read more of this.