I really like this first chapter. The world you're creating in this story is nicely original. Your writing style quick-paced and easy to read, I'm eager to read on to the next chapters.

A verra nice little universe you've created. I like it a lot. The characters are a little confusing, but more reading wil sort them out. bravo ~

Testing guns? That's so mean! Why can't they use machines? And I hope nothing bad happens to Keely and Slick and everyone else.

*growl* they're using them to kill off their own people.

*pales* tell me they aren't going to kill all the people in the hideout with the flamecannons... and tell me the three in the ship will get out OK...

:) CD

oo... what happens next?

Oh an when you said that about the ninjas and burgers... I could not help but giggle at the mental image of a hamburger and a stereotypical cartoon ninja working side by side...

:D CD

Yay, I love this story! Sorry I haven't had a lot of spare time but now I finally got to read this chapter, and it's great! The Devs are gonna gets their butts whipped! And are they doing forced child labor in that factory?

Awesome! I want to know what is going on. Update soon!

NO! I want them to come back!Good write. *Goes to read the next chapter*by the way this is morada I just got a new pen name.

you're very talented in fighting scenes. i love it! )

Hmm...interesting! A kind of mix-and-match from other themes. Then again, I'm feeling kind of odd right now, and seeing all sorts of connections between different concepts that aren't linked at all.

However, throughout this piece...I dunno, I just kind of felt like you weren't really listening to the old adage, 'Show, not tell'. This feels too...telly.

Now, I shall quickly end the review before I start making more rediculous words like that last one...

“I scoured the whole bleepin’ continent for you for a whole stupid year, until I found Keely so long ago.” - 'Scoured' doesn't seem to fit for Ferri's vocabulary. Too fancy :P.

“He was telling the truth,” Cam told them. Concisely he explained the day’s events, ending with, “So, what do you guys reckon?”“He was telling the truth,” Corinne said firmly. - Hm... I don't like how both people say the same thing, it seems redundant. Maybe just change one of their statements?

Well and good, I didn't want to see him pointed out as a traitor. Cheers for happy endings! (sorta) Keep it going!

Great cliffhanger!

Ouch, that's really too bad about Slick... I was hoping that he'd be a nice, decent guy, a good fit with the Chalkers, but there had to be some kind of catch...

Oh well. Hopefully it'll all turn out in the end.

I wonder where you got the inspiration for this story, it's really original.

I like, I like, I like!

Good chapter here! Nothing much to say, just that I wonder how the Steels are going to retaliate...

Yeah, I thought it had seemed a little coincidental that Slick used to be with the Steels. Maybe there is more to this then meets the eye... a plant perhaps?

I'm assuming the Treadmill is a Chalker ship? Why would Pinky ask for two ships, and then give back the Treadmill? Why not just keep the Treadmill and ask for one or two more ships?

Just a thought, trying to be helpful. :)

Keep it up!

Good stuff here too. The dialogue between the vendors and the Chalkers was great, really natural-sounding.

The explanation at the beginning on the roles of each Chalker was kind of wordy though, it slowed the pace down a bit. I guess it's necessary, but I wonder if you couldn't explain it more gradually throughout the story/chapter, instead of one big paragraph.

Not a big issue though. I also liked the ending of this chapter. Slick's surprisingly strong, or maybe it's martial arts or something like that.