|Reviews for Tageb: Book One, The Discovery|
| R.M.Whitaker chapter 8 . 4/16/2006
Ha ha, this sounded familiar!
| R.M.Whitaker chapter 7 . 4/16/2006
lol. Nice, David.
| R.M.Whitaker chapter 6 . 1/25/2006
What are you taliking about? The end of this chapter isn't confusing at all! In fact, I think I got this chapter better than any of the other ones! Very good job too. The virtual world seems more real now.
Heh heh, I like Khan. I wish I had a cool wolf to hang out with...
| R.M.Whitaker chapter 5 . 12/11/2005
Nice Cliffy. Ha ha ha! I like the CRAPPY box. How long did it take for you to come up with all of those words?Ok, now I want to know what happens next. Hurry up with the next chapter!
| R.M.Whitaker chapter 4 . 11/29/2005
Ha ha ha! A whole colony of squirells! For some reason I find that impecibly funny.
Now I'm ready for the next chapter...
| Gal From Oregon chapter 3 . 6/11/2005
hehehehehehehe. Evil Evil Evil! as for iles for ur book, Attack of the squerills! byebye
| curly-brown-hair chapter 3 . 6/3/2005
Hi Mr. E.I think we have met before. I enjoyed ur story but I think u need to describe things a little better. Other than that I think your story is Really well done.
| R.M.Whitaker chapter 3 . 6/2/2005
Wow, you actually updated this, David! I'm so proud of you!
Quite an intense chapter! Lots of action! I like it. Good job! Now I'm ready for another one!
| Gal From Oregon chapter 2 . 4/17/2005
Finally! HA just kidding. i love it and you made his fear of squirrels perfectly clear so that no one will confuse it. bye bye
| R.M.Whitaker chapter 2 . 4/15/2005
L-O-L! That was awsome, David! lol! Very well-written and very funny! Nice job on the flash-back. And hey, what's wrong with the name your story has now? I'm not good at coming up with names, but I can tell a good name from a bad one. The one you have seems pretty good to me.
Update soon! Can't wait to hear more about this squarrel! :))
| Gal From Oregon chapter 1 . 2/13/2005
Lookin good op op i'll get the prolouge 4 my book by tues.
-Emily M. Henstrom
| R.M.Whitaker chapter 1 . 2/12/2005
LOL! David, this story is so... you! Very exciting first chapter. And very, very unpredictable :)
Thanx 4 the compliments. But u have to admit that u laughed on at least the 14th chapter of Johnny. I was laughing as I was writing it. It was so cheeseball!
But yeah, you're a great writer, as you already know, you little bugger. Looking forward to another chapter soon!
| blerpblerp chapter 1 . 2/12/2005
This could very well go somewhere. I noticed a lot of instances where you use the same words to describe similar actions, particularly "whirling", and I think there were a few others... Anyways. I myself find that I have difficulty staying focused on one particular sequence at a time, but you even moreso, so I guess I could offer a little help. Try to describe what's going on, and especially what the settings are like in each of these instances. I had a lot of trouble imagining the world around the main character. Despite my gripes, however, you really should continue, and I hope something good comes out of this. Ta-ta.
| Mistress Jakira chapter 1 . 2/12/2005
This has some really good beginnings! I think the premise is captivating, actually, and in it you have an excellent medium for character development, as Phil is forced to surrender his dishonest ways and rely on himself. You could most certainly make a novel out of this. My first suggestion, to get it out of the way, is grammatical: spell out your numbers less than 100, especially the ones less than ten, including fractions. Style-wise, don't USE so many numbers. About a mile is a good estimation, but when you get into things like it was "an eighth of a mile back," "he fell four feet," and "twenty yards to go" then it's too precise. He's not measuring the distance if he's running from a tyrannosaurus! I really like the level of detail otherwise. The onomatopoeias are really well-placed and add to the effect and action of the story. You need to elaborate more on the action. It's like you added as a mere side note that the T-Rex's jaws were stuck in the cave opening, when you should have specifically addressed it. The action goes by too quickly. It's good to have a story move along and not drag on and be boring, but you have to really add to the things that happen. The same paragraph with the T-Rex's jaws in the cave opening says, "He turned toward the inside of the cave, took a deep breath, and started walking." I think a description of the cave was necessary before he started walking. It goes without saying that the cave was dark, but there's still room for detail there. One other thing: Phil realizes too quickly that he's been sucked into a computer. Would that be the first thought that crossed your mind if that happened? I know I wouldn't think of it. I think you should have Phil explore a while before he realizes what's happened. I know this has been a dauntingly long review, but I think this story has a WORLD of potential and so I want to offer as much help as I can in improving and continuing it. As for a title... I'd say leave it untitled for now. When you know where you're going with the story, then will be the time to title it. The title that was up, "Virtual Phil", will suffice for the moment. But don't leave it as " " because you can't click on it if you do that. XD This is a very, very good start and I truly hope you continue with it. If you like my advice and want anything else, contact me at , and mention Phil in your subject. This is a great idea. Can't wait to find out who Prunilda Hornbeam is! (I bet she's the geography teacher!) Maybe you haven't had much practice-I don't know if you have-but I can tell that you are talented. Wonderful job, and keep writing! ~MJ
| Vivix chapter 1 . 2/12/2005
Sorry to have your first criticism be a negative one. But there are several key problems with this story. The transition is too awkward. Phrases like 'several hours later' to transfer the character to a totally alien environment is not enough. A paragraph or two detailing those parts of his journey could have helped. Also, the ending does not really 'end' the story. I feel there's all this unfinished details in the story. What is Tageb? (I know it's a virtual land, but WHAT is it? Just saying 'anything is possible' seems horribly lacking. For supplementary facts, maybe add who invented Tageb, and for what purpose it exists.) The story itself feels like a skeleton without any meat on it. There's the main character, and a brief introduction to the problem (his inability to escape) is presented. But there needs to be more details and general happenings to make it a full story.