*gasps* He didn't threaten Rachael's life...hehehehehe...I love it!

Sorry I haven't reviewed in...2 chapter . Anyway I love the developing relationship between Darren and Sarah Also the relationship between Melissa and Alex. It's so cute and childish! I love it!

Keep up to good work!

~AdoredPrincess

I lurf this story! *huggles the awesome story*

wow...this story is JUST like the one I read over in Fanfiction...

Dun dun dun!

Loved the "truths" revealed in this chapter. The torture underwent by Lauren was detailed and convincingly written. I'm not too sure how much you wanted Rachel's identity to be a shock because I think you provided such an exceptionally good hint during her meeting with Sarah (the way she looked at her), that I think most of your readers were able to guess her identity as an assasin. The only thing that puzzles me in this chapter is Darren's lack of shock at seeing his sister in the same room as Sarah. Didn't he walk into the room just as the meeting was dispersing? Wouldn't he wonder what he sister was doing there? Why didn't he speak to her at all? I remember that Rachel wanted to keep her assasin identity from him didn't she? Regardless, I am really enjoying this story.

very interesting.. i am loving this story, though i think that the flashbacks take away from the skill of everything else.. should you ever revise this i think that finding a different way to fill in background information should be a focal point. on the same note, details are important, but too many details clutter the story and make it more tedious to read.. i find my self skipping minor paragraphs because they are entirely irrelevant to the plot, to the conflict, to character development etc. This story is fantastic, dont get me wrong, just offering some constructive criticism! update soon!

*Intense* chapter! It was neat. The main typo in there was just after Brian says "Treat her shock and burns." The text starts off, "The men", and just stops- that sentence never gets finished.

Other than that... lots of action in this chapter! We get to see Sarah in her element as the leader of Venom, which is cool, and we also get more backstory on various members of the team.

My main content suggestion for this chapter would be: You wrote in your A/n at the end of the chapter that "Sarah is acting cold towards him (Darren) because she is unsure of what is happening and feels threatened by the fact that he can affect her this way." This should be apparent in the story itself. This is an highly important point in your story, since it deals with the central conflict, and sorry, but it shouldn't need to be stated by you. This an easy enough problem to fix, though-extremely easy. Just find a spot where Sarah's being cold toward Darren and write, "*blah, blah, blah," Sarah said, feeling confused and threatened by the fact that Darren could affect her in such a way. See?Easy as pie. :)

Hope my comments have been helpful; please don't take anything personally or feel bad over any of my criticism. I mean all of my suggestions and pointers in the nicest way possible and make them because I'd like to help you write and improve this story in any way I can-it's a great piece of work.

Keep writing, and good luck with the next chapters!

G. London

The conversation between Michael and his boss was good except for the very last line, which sounded cliche.

Oh, I get it. Sean only picks up orphans. But still, why Sarah? There must've been hundreds of orphans on the streets... why her, out of all of them?

The flashback was heart-achingly sweet. And heart-breakingly sad.

The policeman's growl when he catches Darren and Rachael is perfect. It reminded me of the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk. :)

I love the part where Darren opens the door and "Blue eyes wide, ... slammed the door in their faces." It draws up a beautiful mental image.

Okay, more confusion-why did Sean take in Rachael and Darren? (Sorry, I keep coming back to this, but it bugs me.) Is he just randomnly running around picking up orphans and hoping they turn out to be phenomenal assassins, or does he have some kind of selection process?

The imagery as Sarah and Melissa are leaving Sarah's house is exquisite.“Oh the flattery.” Oh, Melissa. lol... she really is a wonderful character. So... strong in her characteristics. She's highly consistent (not that your other characters aren't). And her personality is light, in contrast with most of this story's subject matter.1) Sarah urged him on finguring the vile. I know I said I'd stop picking at little typos, but this one really got me. Should be "vial" instaed of "vile". (Sorry, it was bugging.

LOL... ::mimics:: "That Doctor Phil is *such* a hunk!" ::swoon:: That's really funny...The dialogue between Sarah and Melissa is great. It flows easily and naturally, and it keep the reader's Sarah says "I am."-that's a perfect moment. It's brilliant in its simplicity, without the dialogue tag. - "No! I can't abandon it. I need to stop them before the weapon is used to hurt innocent people." Darren argued is a good statement of motivation, but perhaps you could work it in a little more subtly. It sounds a bit contrived and cliché as it is.(I'm moving on from grammar nitpicking to content nitpicking. Aside from the incorrect dialogue punctuation (which keeps poping up-ack!), most of the edit problems in this fic are incidential and minor. Feedback on the story's content would probably be more useful to you at this point... so here it is. :)

1) The description of Sarah getting ready for her meeting with Darren was interesting to read, but the sentence structure got really boring after a while. The main structure was "Sarah for several paragraphs, starting with "Sarah fished through her closet," and ending with the "Picking up her cell phone..." sentence. There are a few dependent clauses thrown in here and there ("When she was done", "grabbing her keys") but on the whole, the sentences tended to be a bit monotonous.*The accident was a wonderful twist.*2) "You struck your head on the steering wheel and received a nice deep wound..." Eh... "nice deep wound" sounds either really sarcastic or really wrong (on the part of the nurse). Just thought you might like to know...*Yay! We meet Darren! The conflict is clearly drawing up in this chapter. So far, we've had mainly backstory... information about Sarah and her background. But now Darren walks onto the scene, devilishly handsome and yet doomed to death, and *poof*, there's conflict. How simple it all is, really... ;)*

1) "'...so he just needs to be disposed of.' Michael explained." Okay. According to the rules of dialogue, the dialogue tag should go either before the dialogue, or after the first sentence of dialogue. It's considered bad form to tack a tag on at the end of a paragraph-length speech. Maybe you could put the "Michael explained" after “He works for the company, but lately he has been getting into things he shouldn’t."2) “Alright, I’ll do it.” A common mistake, but that should be "all right". "Alright" isn't a word. (Although it's one I used to use myself, a lot, before someone pointed this out to me.)*"...tomorrow, your life is going to change.” I love the way Sarah talks to his picture. :D**"relieving him of his living privileges.” I love that phrase.3) "remembered to her horror that she didn’t even eat lunch." Should be, "remembered to her horror that she hadn't even eaten lunch."4) It would've been nice to have a little more detail on how Sarah felt about her shower... it was probably her first real one in a long while, and I kept expecting her to be elated, euphoric, ecstatic... and when it didn't happen in print, I was a little disappointed.5) "I have a good feeling about you." That explains somewhat why Sean picked Sarah off the streets. It's a rather shallow explanation, though-maybe you could elaborate a little more?*Sarah's response to Sean's "wonderful" news is excellent.*7) “Its time.” Should be "It's".

A great chapter, overall. It goes deeper into Sarah's background and the way Sean's organization(s) work. Informative but also interesting.

Some more constructive criticism: 1) "a blue haired woman waving at her" Needs a hyphen betwen "blue" and "haired".2) "Alli Neil, the weapon’s specialist." No apostrophe in "weapons".3) "the only light source was artificial lighting from huge overhead lights." Stylistic suggestion: cut out a few "light"s.4) "with out seeming to be holding extra weight". Without one word.5) "'Oh.' Sarah said wordless." Contradiction-she had a word to say. :)*The gauntlet's a wonderfully creative idea. I like the 3-2-1 countdown. ::later:: Yup, definitely a great scene. :)*6) “'Alli, I don’t know what you are talking about. There is nothing between us...'" Once again, you may want to use some more contractions to make the wording sound more natural. "you're" instead of "you are", "there's" instead of "there is".7) "trying to convince herself more then Alli." Should be "than" in place of "then."8) "It was the first time she had cried in four years and it was like a dam broke." Try "breaking" instead of "broke".*Just a question... why did Sean take Sarah in? Surely there were other street urchins he could've decided to help. Was he a friend of her parents'? Did he think there was something special about her?**Neat cliffhanger!*

Okay. Your writing's great, so I'm going to nitpick. (Constructive criticism's more useful than praise, anyway. :)

1) "A loud blaring noise invaded Sarah’s mind as she slept causing her to jerk awake." Comma after "slept".2) "morning wake up call", "walk in closet", and "button down shirt" should be hyphenated: "wake-up call", "walk-in closet", and "button-down shirt".3) briefcase is one word4) "Virginia weather was surprisingly warm this morning for being the beginning of November." Slightly awkward-you may want to try, "The morning was surprisingly warm for the beginning of November in Virginia" or "Virginia weather was surprisingly warm this morning, considering it was the beginning of November." 5) "overcrowded" is one word*Great imagery with the leaves flying past!**"Melissa grinned sheepishly before turning back to her fresh meat."-Nice use of "fresh meat".6) "she never threw around her body with out good cause" "Without" is one word.7) "Once name however drifted into her mind." Typo-"once" should probably be "one".*"lollygagging around town"... great phrase!*8) "the petals were course"-"coarse," not "course".9) "some stray pieces drifting in the room with the draft of air from the ceiling vents." This is good imagery, but it's somewhat unrealistic. Human hair generally doesn't float around the room... it's too heavy for that.*GREAT flashback! The kitty was cute.*10) Where it says, “I’m one of the world’s top assassins, I have my ways of obtaining any information I want.”“I need to find them, and I will do whatever it takes to get my revenge, after what I’ve been through.”-if you want to start a new paragraph while someone's talking, you leave the close quotation marks off the end of the first paragraph. Eg: “I’m one of the world’s top assassins, I have my ways of obtaining any information I want. “I need to find them, and I will do whatever it takes to get my revenge, after what I’ve been through.”

11) "She has a Great Aunt still alive" "Great aunt" shouldn't be capitalized.12) "Shall we ever see the bubbly child she once was again?" Sorry, but that line of dialogue's a bit sappy. :/13) "Sarah wasn’t any happier then she was at the orphanage, but she was free."-"than", not "then".*Another great flashback!*

Two flashbacks in one chapter is a bit much, but they're well-written and interesting, so I guess it's not a flashback overload or anything.

I hope the constructive criticism is useful to you in revising/editting your writing! You write well. (If you didn't, I wouldn't take the time to remark on every little error. :) A couple of misused commas in this chapter, but those can be easily corrected.

On to the next chapter!

Hey, great first chapter! The action's smooth, the writing's clean, and the event pacing is perfect. Imagery was also good. Your opening's attention-grabbing, which is important since most readers will read the first few lines and decide whether or not to read on based on those. Great job! :)

A few bits of constructive criticism:1) I noticed that you tend to punctuate dialogue wrong. For example, you wrote, “'Martini, shaken not stirred.' She replied casually." At the end of a line of dialogue, when you're ready to attach the dialogue tag (she said, he said, etc.), you're supposed to use a comma and not capitalize the beginning of the tag. Correct example: "'Martini, shaken not stirred,' she replied casually." It's a little grammar thing, but it makes a big difference to the reader-the missed punctation kept attracting my attention while I was reading.2) Some dialogue sounds slightly unnatural. (This is mainly stylistic nitpicking, but your writing's otherwise clean, so I thought I'd mention this to you.) For instance, your protagonist says at one point, "Brian, do you want to go some place cooler?" This is grammatically fine, but if you imagine a similar situation in real life-would the girl really say, "do you want to go..."? It seems more likely that she'd say, "you wanna go." And also, where Brian says, "What is your name goddess?", it might be more appropriate to say, "What's your name, goddess?" Most people tend to use "what's" instead of "what is" in common speech. (This is just a stylistic suggestion-just notes on what could be improved, in my opinion.)

I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

G. London