|Reviews for The Beast Within|
| Darwin chapter 4 . 3/3/2005
Hi there...I'm back again!So what's going on with all the thoughts being able to be "Heard" by the doctor huh? I would think that could be a very scary quandry later on when he has a chance to think on what is happening here!Very interesting! I love the second pair of eyes concept that is a great addition!Oh one thing that you might want to go back and revamp...unless of course Juggernaught is laying face first on the slab here. You speak of his dorsal at the end, a normal slab wouldn't be able to accomodate that...When you say "Replaced your lungs" what do you mean by that...replaced them with something better (IE cybernetics style,) or that he put them back in to help him remain a land dweller? I think little details like that would make this an even better story than it already is."The scientist was then thrown several feet into the wall, where Jacob held him on the wall and banged his already bleeding head into the wall." A little rewording here would smooth this sentence out. Something like "He then threw the scientist into the wall, pinning him tight...grabbing a handful of hair he proceded to pound the doctor's already bloody head into the concrete."Just suggestions of course, but I really like what you have done so far and am curious about hearing more into the background of this abrupt meeting!
Anyway! Great stuff I was thrilled to see another chapter! It is wonderful to see such motivation!
| DragonLady of Avalon chapter 4 . 3/3/2005
Doctor person is going to regret this...
| Darwin chapter 3 . 2/27/2005
Hoo boy, this guy is going to be interesting... obviously his instinct is a bit higher than Tiger or Angelina or even Blue. Good thing he passed out before he could tear off the scientists face! LOL or was it? Maybe he should have? But naw that would be to simple! LOL I answered my own question from the last review! Water it is then.
great start! You might think about actually combining the three of these together to make a longer chapter...it is all introductory, and it all ties in. (but then you would have to write three more chapters to replace the two that you will add to the first huh? Eh scratch that...)
Good effort there Monk...
| Darwin chapter 2 . 2/27/2005
Hmm A thought struck me just now...This tube that Juggernaught is in...is it filled with water or is it air? Just curious because you don't really mention it here...
You're scientist is deliciously twisted by the way. Are you going to make him a former member of Marcus' team or is he person paralleling the work?
Interesting either way. Don't be afraid to dive into the details here...you've got a great framework for something more in depth. If you need help or suggestions on anything, I would love to help out. Just an offer!
Take care and keep writing!
| Darwin chapter 1 . 2/27/2005
Thought I would stop by and see if you decided to go with your story and lo and behold here it is.
Interesting start! A naval officer no less! Cool!
"The man on the outside’s breaths are slow and easy" hmm this could be reworded I think to smooth it out a bit. Something like "He watches the scientist as he breathes, slow and easy. Something he was unable to accomplish at the moment."
This is a very drop kick start...I love starting in the middle of the action and getting bits and pieces of the puzzle as we go!
GTG there Monk...thanks for understanding about the disclaimer! WAsn't trying to get picky or nothin'
| DragonLady of Avalon chapter 3 . 2/25/2005
I love the sharky-warky line! .
Chapters are a bit short and detail is lacking. Try to visualize everything the characters' senses pick up, and then write it down.