|Reviews for Everything Went Wrong|
| Inherent chapter 1 . 2/28/2005
I remember this one. . It's really good! So sad. :o(
| nata chapter 1 . 2/26/2005
A sad short story, very sweet, very heart clenching.
I can suggest this:
"I keep going though."
I'm not sure why that particular line strikes me as awkward, might because it's late at night for me... But anywho... Perhaps "Yet I keep going", coupled by some action - maybe from the character, maybe from some other character moving along behind her- would be a nice way to rephrase. Of course, this is in my meager (and sleep deprived) opinion.
Only one or two spelling/grammatical errors. A quick run through spell or grammar check should do the trick, or even just reading it over again. "Bury" instead of "Burry", for example.
On the story telling basis, this is a short and sweet thing, though you can still do a lot with it, and it may prove to have great potential.
I'm not sure if you wanted to just write a short page long blurb, if you just wrote this as a quickie for the hell of it, or if you just wrote this down to record your own emotions - but if you plan to do anything further with it, the story feels a little empty character development wise. You seem to have a good grasp on imagery and descriptions, it'd be lovely to see you plunge into it a bit further. But then again, I'm the kind of person who adores flowery language. -_-;
I don't know if you made no dialogue on purpose, but if you want to speak in a personal narrative to leave only your character speaking aloud to him is a nice touch.
Good work. I have yet to read your other works, but this certainly encourages me to do so. Keep writing. D