|Reviews for The Story of Jude and Josie|
| Alexis Kent chapter 3 . 11/6/2005
Ah, a very sweet chapter. Jude is quite the fine storyteller, if I do say so myself. :) I can't wait to see the two when they are grown.
| Alexis Kent chapter 2 . 11/6/2005
A good chapter, very innocent and sweet. I might suggest, however, taking away this:
"But amazingly, showing what an extraordinary girl she was, Josie just wiped away her tears and rubbed her hand a little before skipping off to the parlor with a smile. Every other girl in the school, including the poised Amy Rigby, would have sulked in their room all day after such a scorning, but Josie was different.
She pranced right into the parlor full of girls as if she hadn’t a care in the world."
Most perhaps wouldn't mind this, but I get rather irked by being _told_ what an amazing person the main character is. Don't try selling the character to us, let us form our own opinion as the story progresses. ;)
| Alexis Kent chapter 1 . 11/6/2005
It's quite like me to begin reviewing a story as soon as it's finished, eh? Rather silly, I know, but here we go!
This is quite a lovely opening chapter. I like your style; the simple ways of the children are remniscent of the children in C. S. Lewis's tale. Very nice. I'm also glad you have them be rather ordinary-looking children, and I do hope they stay that way. One thing I rather dislike is when a character starts out as drab and plain but then somehow evolves into some great beauty.
There are only two things I can suggest tweaking a bit. The first is when Jude and Josie are speaking, he mentions her going on walks with the other girl, and he also mentions their outfits. We are then told:
"At Hatfield, all the girls were required to wear the same outfit everyday: a gray long-sleeved dress that came to the knees with a white collar and pleated skirt, black tights, black shoes, and their hair had to be pulled back with a large black bow. On Sundays, though, when they walked to church, the girls could wear whatever dress they chose. Each had a closet full of pink laces, yellow plaids, and violet taffetas from their doting parents that they loved to show off with. Josie had to wear the same dress every week though: a light green smock that didn’t fit her as it should. She’d received it from one of the older girls who had outgrown it."
This, I believe, detracts from the rhythm that you had worked to create in the dialogue. We can deduce from Jude's perusal that they have large black bows in their hair, we don't need to hear it twice. ;) Be cautious about interrupting dialogue to add background, as often it will jilt the reader a bit.
Lastly, be careful with adverbs, such as: “What in the world have you done this time, Mr. Turner?” she asked are often cheap ways of describing emotion. Instead of using the word "madly" you could perhaps try to communicate her displeasure by action-her waving her arms about in the air, or a narrowing of her brow. Such things make you feel less like you're being told, and more like you're experiencing it for yourself. :)
But once again, a lovely chapter. :)
| Katrin the Great chapter 33 . 11/6/2005
Perfect ending. I'm glad Jude's not as impaired as he was in the last chapter... my only complaint is that this chapter made me wish it was Christmas!
| JuliAngelFace chapter 33 . 11/6/2005
Sorry I haven't reviewed in a while I kinda haven't been able to go online for weeks becuase of school.
I can't believe it's over! Well at least it had a happy ending becuase I was so sure you'd kill off Jude and have a tragic ending of Josie being alone with Damien never knowing his father, I'm so glad you didn't go that cliche route(or the other cliche one of amnesia-that cliche annoys me the most) This story was so great and it's written so wonderfully. I think it's perfect as it is even though you don't(you're probably like me a perfectionist who writes lots of drafts and will never be happy with any finish doc lol)But remember this, you finished a story, or better yet, you written a novel(I don't know if it's your first),which is an amazing accomplishment.
Write on and never stop
| R.M.Whitaker chapter 33 . 11/6/2005
Oh my word! That was THE most perfect ending you've ever had! Not that your others were bad by any means. But that was so perfect! What an excellent idea to have it be Christmas years later and have them with another boy! Perfect! Simply beautiful! Encore!And, I simply LOVE Bing Crosbey's "White Christmas". But dash-it-all! Now you've gotten me into such a Christmassy mood and it's not even Thanksgiving yet!
I can hardly believe this story is over! You did a wonderful job on it. This is certainly one of my favorites from you!
| thumper53 chapter 33 . 11/6/2005
OH! It made me so happy! I love the way it ended on such a high note! I can't believe it. Thomas and Damien are so adorable! I like that they have a store. But I am most happy about how Ralph is still alive. Amazing Job!Brittani
| Steph chapter 33 . 11/6/2005
You've finished! Another great story completed. The last chapter was very nice..I like how you took a turn and told about Christmas and not just what happens after. Who knows maybe one day you'll feel like writing a sequel? Or expanding the story using Thomas or Damien? Anyways, great job. I hope all is well and keep writing.
| Em Crosthwaite chapter 33 . 11/6/2005
Wow the story is actually over. I enjoyed this chapter, as always. It was interesting to see Christmas time in it, and there is definitely a contrast between this and the New Year's Eve earlier, it's so much happier. I can't wait to see the next chapters of "Voyage of the St. James Sisters" and "Meg Hepbun".
| asga chapter 32 . 10/29/2005
:P glad they are met again
| R.M.Whitaker chapter 32 . 10/29/2005
Gah! I can't believe it! He's home! He's home! Oh, I got goosebumps all over!
Renee, I promised to be honest with you, and so I will be. You did very well. I still think you could have done the meeting a little better. There was something about it that just seemed a little too unreal. Almost like you were describing her having a dream. I expected her to wake up at any moment. But I think you were just a little tired. It wasn't bad at all, just a little fuzzy.
But all in all, I think the chapter was really good!
| euphorictragedy chapter 32 . 10/29/2005
Not good? Honestly, I thought it was great! I almost cried. The tears were just about ready to fall, I swear. Oh, I'm so happy that they are reunited!
| Em Crosthwaite chapter 32 . 10/28/2005
This chapter was sweet. I found a small error, but I think that I also know the explanation for it. When Josie opened the door to see Jude, Thatcher wasn't there. But I guess he moved off into the shadows to let them have their privacy. the chapter seems a little rushed, especially the reunion scene, but I could just be thinking that because it's late. Otherwise, I enjoyed the chapter very much.
| Limegreenqueen chapter 31 . 10/24/2005
hey you didnt ruin jude's life you just suprised us all i thought when he said that he saw darkness that he was buried alive. it would have been nice for him to be able to see though. i want him to see damien especially since he has never scence him before. anyways keep writing it was a really good chappie. love karlaaka ur fav reviewer
| R.M.Whitaker chapter 31 . 10/24/2005
*Squeeling in excitement* I can't wait to see what happens in the next chpter! Will the next one be the last? Or will there be another one after that?
Yet again, I was a big boob in this chapter. I actually DID cry! I didn't sob or anything, but I had to whipe a tear or two away. Man, I need to toughen up. lol
Gah! I'm just so excited! And I can't believe you're almost done with this! You've been working on it for so long!
Oh, yes, ehem. About that whole updating thing... gah! The documents weren't saved! Only a butt-load of pictures! But, thank goodnss, all is not lost. We still have our old computotor and we can still get my preciouse documents off. How soon, I have no idea. 'll pray it's soon.