im sorry, but this whole story is confusing. I don't get whose pov this is, soo yea. Sry

AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! That was cute!

wow, she's a bit of a skank.

So far, this is good; nice plot, and good characters. The only thing is, if you ever come to re-edit this, you might want to sort out the switch in POV - it gets confusing when it goes from first to third person.

I know this may be an old chapter, as you did originally post this years ago but I decided to work my way through this anyway :) So, the first chapter isn't too bad. Could do with a bit of work in terms of grammer and spelling, but other than that I think it makes for a good start. The only glaring thing I spotted was when Jasper and Vanessa were talking; it's written in first person, so how would Tempest know what Jasper was thinking or even what they were saying to each other? I'm going to read more tomorrow, but so far so good.

this story is funny

bookmark:) this story is humorous:)

it was pretty good..

Loved it!

Okay, great story so far and looking forward to reading it, but you should correct some typos, they get kinda annoying. But otherwise I like it!

Ok.. so I totally FREAKED out when I read about the funeral and stuff but then read on and was really happy that it was her stupid mother and now I am REALLY happy because her and Jasper are SO cute together!

Good job writing this story. I look forward to reading another one.

AW that was Adorable! at first i almost threw the computer against the wall...yea you almost owed me a new computer...lucky for you i have patience and i read on...when i saw "troubled soul" and that no one was there to mourn i KNEW that Tempest wasnt dead! hip hip hooray! and i'm also glad that her and Jasper wound up together! adorable! good story!

Your main character seems to have an interesting personality. She's feisty, and obviously a bit of a bitch (not necessarily a bad thing), but be careful about making her too aggressive or you'll alienate your audience. The readers need to be able to empathise with the main character.

The "love interest" wasn't immediately apparent (Will or Jasper?) so you've made a successful start on putting your own take on an old cliché.

The writing flows fairly well, but you need to watch your spelling. Maybe you could try using Spellcheck? And you keep dropping your M's at the beginning of words.

OMG! I thought you had killed her!...Well, that her mum had killed her...

Dawness! That was awesome, I love it.

XD

I really liked that!

Laurie

-x-

great!