It's been really interesting. Almost has a magical sense about it as Drake's mind jumps from one emotion to the next. As far as critiquing I would suggest against using obvious words...like captive. Can't wait to read more :)

Very intrigueing first chapter and a good intro for a horror story.

MUST READ MORE!

well, just got done with the 4th and i have to say i liked it. mabe im weird but i think the chapters should be longer or maybe your making them so reader will feal like theyre flying through, which is good hurry and get out another chapter.

Yours Truly,The Bane

Thoughts should be done in either italics or (')single quotes(') not both. Your descriptions are good but sometimes you seem to describe things that we really don't need to know about. I think the idea of the plot is pretty good and Drake's character is fairly likable. I probably won't read any more of this, not because i don't like it but only because it's becoming more involved than I'd anticipated. I usually stick to the shorter stories. Anyway, good work, keep writing. I will check back with you from time to time to see if you have any short ones for me to read. Take care.

**Slave**BTW Thanks for your reviews of my stories.

I couldn't say it's not good. It usually depends on the person reading it...so I guess on my part, I think it's a very nice chapter. This time it had a better narration. And by the way, at first, I even thought Ryan was some character I missed to read in the previous chapters since his name appeared in this chapter as if he was already a known character... oh well, it's not a bad thing anyway. Hehe.. Keep it up! XD

Hey, still good! Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please update soon!

*Bella*

P.S. I am working my hardest to get up the next chapter of "Shards of the Truth" however for now, i've only got the first chapter of it up and the first story "memory swing" if you'd like to read it.

Oh, I like this! Very nice work!

One mistake I noticed:

Where you put "Drake was hit with a pang of familiarity before he even looked over the balconies edge"

You should make the it "Drake was hit with a pang of familiarity before he even looked over the balcony's edge."

Otherwise, keep up the good work!

Oh my. It's my turn now. *shakes head* No, I can't really say I like. It's not horror-like, the mystery is badly portrayed and if one hadn't read your genres and the summary I probably wouldn't even realize you were attempting at a horror/mystery.

Drake (as odd as this sounds) is too blunty aware of what questions he needs to ask. The whole fun in a mystery is getting the questions.

Also, I extremely dislike how throughout your narration your characters are thinking bits and peices of it. It takes away greatly, I'm afraid.

There's also some degree of extreme..hm.. lack of interest for me. I rarely read a story past chapter one. If you can't catch me there, you never will.

We're at chapter 4, and in all actuality I find it *as* horribly boring at chapter 1.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't appeal to me at all.

You spend so much time with detail of the non-important. Common thoughts that passed through my head would be something along the line of "Yes, I caught that he's not thinking straight.. you can move on now..."

Less time commenting on that, more time concentrating on getting your story across would be what I mean to say.

~Sincerely Signed, Mistress Anaka of the Flames~

I liked this chapter! and not just because of the gory death (though that was a plus). just wondering, did you have to research the pistol or something? cause i wouldn't have known what number to pin with the gun. hmm.

I also like how everything is going crazy in drake's world. and now I'm in suspense of what george is doing. write more.

for some reason, I liked the image of the snow falling in on Ryan's dead body. uh...yeah. can't think of any changes, except maybe changing the part where drake wakes up to his POV. but that's about it.

Chappie 3:

"He decided that he didn't much like this room."

That sentence would only work correctly if the language chosen was not english. But since it's english, you need to have it as "He decided that he didn't like this room much." it's easier for understanding. Not everyone's clever as you Andy.

"He rubbed his head gently and stood up, un-entangling him-self from the torn piece of cloth".

Okay, neologism is fine, the "Un-entangling" but the dash between "him-self" has got to go. I assume that's just a typo.

"The small lump in his throat that he had received in the shimmering room was now an all-out knot. One that restricted his breathing and made him lean heavily on the balconies railing"

Okay, the problem with those two sentences, is that second one is dependent on the first, so you either want to say something like:

"was now an all-out knot. It restricted his" or "was now an all-out knot; one that restricted" something like that.

And "wafting" I think usually goes with sense of smell but I dunno it might work with your melody idea...hmm but then melodies don't smell...but I guess melodies do "float"...lol...

I think there should be a space between, "never-endingsmorgasbord" between "endings" and "smorgasbord".

And I believe, "de-ja-vu" is actually spelled "deja vu"

And I find this sentence structure a bit odd:

"But,-he paused mid-thought for a second, groping for the words to describe what he felt- there was a reason."

either do:

"But, he paused mid-thought for a second, groping for the words to describe what he felt - there was a reason."or"But - he paused mid thought for a second, groping for the words to describe what he felt- there was a reason."

I personally prefer the first one, cause the second one really is close to "dash abuse".

"The dancing people spun slowly as if they were underwater, and the ovices of the crowd echoed weightlessly through his mind before stopping abruptly."

And you do not need "weightlessly" in this sentence, cause well voices don't carry any weight anyways and "echoed" already gives the image of bouncy-ness or weightlessness.

And you're missing a set of quote marks, in this sentence:

"A Shadow, he thought, it's called a shadow" one after the "Shadow" and then before "it's"

Then you need a comma here in this sentence:

"The people were hysterical now, and within seconds were all rushing", comma after "seconds".

"To his surprise the old lady slinked over to the Shadow" needs a comma after surprise.

You can omit the second "time" in this sentence without destroying meaning:

"Then, for the second time in what had seemed like ages but could have only been a few minutes time, Drake"

And you need a space in "laughthat".

"laughing at all of this death, death she had caused"

You can either eliminate the second death or put "..." between the deaths.

One thing I noticed, is that you're trying to be maybe...too descriptive?I dunno, maybe it's just me.

Your long sentences are fine as long as you check them over at least thrice, and I dunno if this will help you, but try proofreading your story backwards.

Read it sentence by sentence backwards and then you'll find some inconspcuous mistakes...like spacing..lol.

Eyes sometimes read too quickly and that's what review friends are for! lol... I gotta go .. I"ll get to chappie four in I dunno. Seeya Andy.

This answered some questions for me and really tied things together. I am very interested now. I wonder if there will be another twist to this. Things are not as they seem... very good, I'll await your next update!

So far this has been pretty freakin awesome/confusing...I cant wait for the next chapter to come out. I think I know where this is going but I could be wrong.

Yours Truly,The Bane

The scene of Drake dreaming or de-ja-vu was fascinating. Beautifully and skillfully done. Twas awesome, I must say. The only thing is that I am confused about what is going on. What happened to George? And maybe you should put some more background on the Grandmother and how Drake perceived her before... What made her kind, and how has such a change impacted him? I look forward to your next chapter, update soon!

You are building the suspense ever so slightly in this one. I feel that it perhaps moved a bit slowly, and some rambling was going on in reference to his thoughts and observations. I lost track of the focus. Perhaps a little more description of things, but I am greatly interested and will go on to read the next chapter. Thanks for the review!

In the middle part, the story went a bit far off, since there was very little information about the grandmother before the event happened.. but when the chapter was almost to the end I think it caught up with the rhythm..:D I'd be waiting for the next chapter!