havent read it all yet but i eat my words...6 years ago! exciting! (also forgot to mention in previous chapter, you say something about time returning to its base. i can't tell if you're trying for a metaphor or not. it's unclear and i thought it might have perhaps been "pace" instead? makes more sense i think...just an opinion though...

end of part one - what a good place to review!

first off, it's an exciting story. action packed is putting it lightly and i know you mentioned right at the start that you intend it to be a film of sorts? well i can definitely see it playing out in my head.

strong points are your description of particular things. Apocalypse himself, his guns, the chinese accents! lol.

You've got the action down pat, you've got a still unexplained "incident" which is an important trigger in the story. I do like that it's as yet unexplained though curiousity picks at me! i can't say until i've read it the whole way through, (if it gets explained at all) whether it should be mentioned in this part but it's something that, as i reader, i thought about a lot. enough to perhaps drive me away from the story a teeny bit...

you also did mention that the action was going to be fast and while i do find it a little choppy sometimes, i guess thats how you want it. in terms of film, it's perfect but as narrative it's a little harder to pull off, i think.

you've got a few typos and grammer mistakes that are few enough to point out but too few to remember past the chapter they are on but i can tell you "pex" should be 'pecs'and be careful of your/you're. ie. "you're world is about to end" should be your. also, a couple of times you get your its and it's muddled up so it might be worth going over it again.

So, at the end of part one, if i'm being nitpicky about grammer, you should know it's that good a story. :D

Wow, how many pages is this when you type in on Word? Good story overall. I noticed on your profile that you wanted to get it published, so I decided to check it out :D I'll be sure to support you and this story!

I know we haven't met in a while, but I was looking into this, I just noticed that many of the chapter titles are named after Metallica songs. I feel dumb for not pointing that out before..

I've done the same before, my story the Drifter had a number of chaps named after old Beatles songs. Well, I still ike this story. I can't believe I've missed out so much in the past year, for that I am sorry. But I hope this review helps. I'll try to read some more after I get off work. Good seeing this chap up.

Oh, and thanks for all the help in the past! You've really helped me get up because you taught me new ways to use description and stuff in stories. So anyways, I'll see you around.

Peace, Love, Triangle!

Darket

Hey there, Outlaw-2 here,

I've took notice of the reviews in my story, and I'd like to thank you about it, since I needed reviews like that for some time. Come to think of it, you are the only one that pointed out the flaws in the chapters. So for that, I'd like to thank you once again.

Anyway, onto the review. Your description of the story is really well done, and seems to be more deep in detail. However, there were some flaws. Somehow, the most word you have used in this chapter is 'cop'. 'Officer' can be used here as well. Repeating the same word over and over again may get the readers bored. Also, the chapter seems a little short, and looks as if it is only a scene, not an episode. Hmm, maybe different techniques are used by different writers, eh?

Once again, I thank you for the reviews, and I will do my best to do edits to it when I complete my story.

SincerelyOutlaw-2

Hey there,

I must say, this story is refreshing, and new in my opinion. It has the feeling that no one has yet to do such a story, though there were a handful floating around here in FP. Anyway, you got a very nice storyline, and the action is well packed. Kudos for that!

Come to think of it, from what I observed, this story of yours, and mine, that goes by the name of Tokyo Battalions: Bloodshed as a parallel feel. I don't know why, but it just feels that way. And when I mean parallel, I mean as in how the chapter goes. :P

Oh well, forget about that. I'll be putting this to my favourites then. Looks like I found another good story. XD

Wow... I can't wait till you write more! Seriously, it's getting really, *really* good.-Nia

Wow. Well I didn't last long did I? ;; lol, oh well. I'm so glad you finished this! YAY! *Celebrates, pops little party cracker-thingy. Confettie gets everywhere.* Sorry, had a little too much fun there. Anyway, this was an awesome chapter, I loved it! I love this line "Fuck it. The Apocalypse was sick of flirting around; it was time to open the condoms. " That made me laugh my ass off. Anyway, good luck with the writing (And thanks for mentioning me in the beginning ) Well, talk to you later! I can't wait to read more (holy crap this is long)

-Nia (Delnia Murimoto, buahaha, I LIVE!)

It's been so long since I've read this that I've done forgotten half the story. I need to go back and read. But from the description and dialogue, you've still got it!

Absolutely incredible. I commend you for keeping with the story...40 words is something that not many people here have accomplished. Extremely vivid details and plenty of action. I really like your style, and I'd suggest showing your material to some publishing agents.

First of all, I can see that you are trying to make Apocalypse look intelligent and show contrast in the way he treats his enemies and the way he treats his friends... but the way that he talks to Gram just seems...kinda awkward "I can’t have you kill every brain cell in that genius head of yours; now can I? Go, my friend, take a cold shower, wake up, and I shall have coffee for you when you get dressed." It jus doesn't seem like somethin that a guy who jus shoved a pole down a cop's throat would say, ya know? I'm sure theres a way he can be friendly and even warm toward Gram without sounding so proper or facetious. However, the rest of the chapter, shows Apocalypse to be his usual ballsy self, hehe.

Wow.. DEPRESSING! T~T But I love it anyway! Keep it up, I'm excited for the next chappy!

-Nia

First off, I LOVE how this is written. Not just decent but impressive. I've read too many stories that start out "She was in a dark room" or "He couldn't find the remote" or something boring. But this is totally action-packed. I couldn't find anything to critisize in this first chapter, but, believe me, as I read on I'll be looking. By the bye, I LOVE this chapter's name. I'm a heavy-metal fan myself, but I write a lot of music and I was initially influenced by Classical music, and Fur Elise is one of my favorite pieces. Great work (on this chapter at least (but I'm searching for mistakes, so look out)). Oh, WAIT WAIT WAIT! I found something that bugs me (a little)! "The Apocolypse"-you start out many a sentence with that. It sounds like an exciting nickname, but you mention it a tad overmuch... That's all I could find so far. I'm sure everything is going to unravel (that's not the right word but I'm running out of good big words to use in this review) as this story progresses. I'll be reading. (evil laughter)

This is starting to sound somewhat remniscent to The Punisher, although I'm curious to find out what "The Incident" was...theres a lot about his past that keeps mysteriously popping up, eh guess I'll jus have to keep reading.

Well atleast you gave a date for the next chapter. Yeah, this story is still doing good and I'm suprised that it was up here again. I haven't seen you around in a long-ass time. Good job with chapter 14. let's hope we see Chapter 14 sooner than later.