|Reviews for Winds of Change|
| RuathaWehrling chapter 3 . 7/11/2005
Hi again! Thanks for your great reviews! I don't have a lot of time today, but I'll read at least one chapter! :)
1.) "These are two of my most trusted soldiers, Naif and Onofre and we have come to pay our respects to the dearly departed." - When you use commas to offset parts of a sentence, like "Naif and Onofre", make sure to put the comma both before AND after the section you're offsetting. Make sense?
2.) Who exactly IS Onofre, and why would his general invite him and "Naif" (whoever that is) to come along on a personal errand? What's their rank in the general's army? And they good friends with the general? If you answer these type of questions, you'll make Onofre more understandable to us.
3.) "Then, General Mateo stood up." - I've noticed you tend to put commas after "then" a lot to start sentences. I'm not sure if it's technically grammatically incorrect, but it's just something that's not done. So, I guess what I'm saying is that you might want to drop these commas.
4.) " By then, I knew everyone’s names." - But above, you said it took several WEEKS to learn Cyril's name! Be consistant!
5.) "She ran very fast." - "quickly".
6.) "He liked following orders. He didn’t like giving them." - That's going to be a problem for a king! :)
7.) "She said we had enemies outside the forest. " - WHO! Who knows anything about them? I'm confused!
8.) "I asked Lysandra if she really could talk to animals. She said they could." - "she" could, or "they" could?
- Umm... Don't take this the wrong way, but this chapter was really quite boring. It's all told using phrases like "Then he did this. Then she said that." If you can alter it to add some dialogue, it would make the chapter more active, which would be a lot more interesting. Know what I mean?
Also, I'm not sure if you planned it like this or not, but Onofre writes like he's a ten year old, not an army officer. His sentences are very short and only use small words. If you meant to make it that way, then that's your choice, but I thought you should be aware that he comes across as very dumb because of it. Just so you know.
Take care! - Ruatha
| RuathaWehrling chapter 2 . 6/24/2005
Hello! Thanks for all the reviews! :) And yes, the rest of the story is more "adult". I actually need to go back and re-edit the beginning chapters, but I haven't had time for that yet. I think (hope!) you'll enjoy the rest!
And now, back to your story! -
1.) "Cyril and I believe that he is the one who must proclaim the throne. " - Who is "he"? Cyril? Gyula? Or simply the unknown bastard son? This is unclear.
2.) "Cyril’s father must be the descendant of Hyroniemus, for it certainly wasn’t any member of our family. " - Awkward. Here "it" refers to Cyril, which means "it" should be "he"... Can you clean this up?
3.) "Had the royal blood flowed in my veins, surly one of my brothers" -"surely". "surly" means mean-tempered.
4.) "none of them would loose absolute power." - "lose"
5.) 'Meanwhile, we sought the wizard-prophet Gyula." - Ok, verb tense. The previous sentence was present tense ("I suppose", "can never", etc.) But this one jumps back into the past! I've noticed some of this verb tense jumping earlier in this chapter also, so you might want to reread it, pick one tense, and stick with it. It's awkward to read, otherwise.
6.) " if anyone asked for proof that he truly was a descendant of Hyroniemus, all Cyril would have was a dream." - And if they talk to Gyula, all they'll have for proof is HIS dream. How is this better?
7.) "Abeni was right her assessment that I saw her as a danger" - I think you're missing a word here.
8.) "I’m not nearly as proficient as an apprentice who receives proper training." - why wasn't her training with Gyula "proper"? Maybe it was shorter than usual, but why is that improper?
- So, I've decided that I don't like Da-Xia, even though she does have a pretty name. :) Beyond that, the only real suggestion I have is that you might want to somehow get Cyril into a conversation for us, so we can start getting a good feel for his character. Right now, he's a total stranger.
Also, I still don't understand what exactly Gyula would have done for them. And how long ago did this whole stealing-of-the-god's-gem thing happen, anyhow? I was under the impression that it was a LONG time ago, but if Gyula just died, then it couldn't have been so long past...
Keep writing! - Ruatha
| RuathaWehrling chapter 1 . 6/19/2005
Hello! Thanks for the reviews of "Sirach" - I really appreciate it! And I know the jumps back and forth from first to third person are a little startling at first, but I think it ends up working fairly well. Just give yourself a little time to get used to it.
Also, since you've got so many stories, I'm not really sure which one to read! So, basically, if you've got a favorite one that you want edited/reviewed, just send me an email and I can read that one instead. (But I don't do romances, werewolves, or vampires. I can handle just about anything else!) Otherwise, if you don't have a preference, I'll just read this one for now. ;)
And here goes! I always comment as I read. -
1.) "It was apparent on his name day- when five winters had passed and he’d survived and received his name, and it was still apparent when all this trouble began." - Why don't you replace the comma with a dash, to match the one before it. Parallelism is good! :)
2.) "I had thirteen years at the start of my story" - This sounds kind of funny, since it's the start of the story NOW (ie: "have"). Can you rephrase this somehow?
3.) "doing whatever it is cows do all day" - Don't you wonder, sometimes?
4.) "So, when I got away with only physical hurts, I was glad, then, I was ashamed." - I think you need something stronger than a comma after "glad". Either a dash or a semicolon ought to work.
5.) "I doubt that there’s anyone in the world who hasn’t known someone to get down their luck and who needed to sell their children." - Youch! Harsh world!
6.) "Then, I knew that I had to help him." - No comma needed. It just breaks up the sentence (and not like you'd speak it, either).
7.) "Then, Slow started screaming like a little child" - Also no comma.
8.) " I was a bit worried that he’d take off and I’d loose him" - "lose", not "loose". Why is it that that one confuses so many people?
9.) "The man said the first words I’d heard yet" - Read what you just wrote. This is the first time the MAN's spoken, but Abeni's heard words already.
- Very nicely written. You give Abeni a strong personality, although I can't really say that I relate to her very well. I've got to run now, but I'll be back to read more later! Thanks!
| Arkash chapter 6 . 5/29/2005
Hm, there are always bad people in cities.
Nice chapter. You handle the character interactions so well. I think I had mentioned that before.
Good cliff hanger ending.
Great job! *_*
| Islandbreeze chapter 15 . 5/25/2005
Wow, this was really dramatic all the way to the end- DaXia seemed to grow the most to me, I think her shame from what she saw as her fault in 'abandoning Cyril' helped, but thats just in my view. The last part, the epilogue was a little bit short, I'd like to know more about Abeni and Cyril, what they actually did, but it tied together the plot you had going nicely. it's great you have a story finished, mine always seem to get out of control. Really nice job on this one!
| Arkash chapter 5 . 5/22/2005
Great chapter with a good twist. I like the way you handle multiple characters in a chapter.
Good Job! *_*
| Arkash chapter 4 . 5/5/2005
I like your imaagery of the visions.
Also, a good way to introduce Gyula, using flashback and memories..
Nice chapter! *_*
| Arkash chapter 3 . 5/1/2005
Interesting, the things about Lysandra.
The plot is thickening, good chapter.
| Arkash chapter 2 . 4/23/2005
Interesting chapter, with the conflict of Abeni and DaXia.
Did you know that Gyula was a hungarian name?
| Islandbreeze chapter 9 . 4/16/2005
Ahh...site won't let me read all the way to the end of ch.11, stops halfway. but I have to comment here. How can you kill Slow off, and leave us here wondering if Abeni really does kill herself when she hears the door? must find out what happens... anyway, as you can see you've built very good suspense, man Daxia sure is suspicious of everyone! Abeni's decision to kill Zaccheus and then the whole follow up with dinner and her stealing the knife, very neat- who is Chava? why is Z so worried about/by/for her? oo too many queations. Really nice chapters, update!
| Casey Drake chapter 9 . 4/12/2005
| Islandbreeze chapter 5 . 4/6/2005
Nice story here, your characters seem very well developed. Lysandra's story was so awful! Update this soon!
| Casey Drake chapter 4 . 4/2/2005
what a terrible "childhood". note the quotation marks, for it wasn't a real childhood at all.
| Casey Drake chapter 2 . 4/2/2005
betcha the heir is Slow.
| Arkash chapter 1 . 4/2/2005
An interesting chapter, I like the way you weave the characters, though it's a bit confusing why Abeni runs away.