Reviews for Manitou Island
Sandster chapter 1 . 3/4/2007


To be honest with you, your first chapter really turned me off of this story. It's pretty cliche ridden and doesn't really introduce anything except a couple of characters in a very mysterious "I know more than you" type of manipulative way. To me, I can feel your hand on this story already, and that's never a good thing.

Your second chapter is much better, and ignoring the first chapter completely, it is a more streamlined beginning when compared with the 'strange mysterious dude who doesn't explain anything except be mysterious and pointlessly enigmatic in all his observations'. "The outsider will 'fix' everything!" Oh! I'm in the know now! Wooho! Bleh. And while your description is great, I never got a feeling for the character you're introducing, or how he thinks. In other words, your first chapter is just a waste of time, and lacking that extra guff to hook a reader like myself.

Sarcasm aside...this is just my honest opinion. Just thought I'd leave you a note as to why I didn't read more. Kudos for having good grammar.

Kaleema chapter 61 . 7/19/2005
You have a very interesting story here, and I hope you continue to update it as I hope to read more in the future. Please keep writing, for you have a gift that is a joy to share with others.
Kaleema chapter 54 . 7/19/2005
Chepi is another super annoying character, but she seems to be a perfect reward/punishment for Augwak. Your development of Charmain's powers is very interesting, and you do a good job of slowly introducing it and showing the readers the process of how Charmain and the others come to discover the changes.
Kaleema chapter 50 . 7/19/2005
The Land in the Bow is beautifully done...again I really enjoy the way you describe these scenes, like the dreams, the Crack, and the Bow. One thing I noticed though...if Charmain was the one to give X'aruu his new name, why is she reverting back to just calling him X? It seems kind of inconsistent. But, good scene.
Kaleema chapter 47 . 7/19/2005
I like the way you transition the seasons, but the phrasing on the first snowfall and the autumn leaves seems very akward. The idea is beautiful, but you might want to try making it flow a little more smoothly from a syntax standpoint.
Kaleema chapter 46 . 7/19/2005
Another set of scenes that are very well done. I really like the concept of the Crack, and you do a superb job with the imagery here again. Oh, and another personal preference thing...once in awhile you shorten names down to just the initials (i.e., Shadow WaterSW). Perhaps this is your intention to show the "mainlander" tendency to have nicknames and to shorten everything, but it seems very out of place on the island, especially as from Charmain as she becomes more and more accustomed to the island and its peoples and ways.
Kaleema chapter 38 . 7/19/2005
I think Mani and Sikt are some of your best characters in terms of supporting the story. They both are very interesting (and foreign) and are a great asset to your heroine. You do a very good job with them, and they are a strength in your story. Oh, and the fire elemental is cute; a good comic relief.
Kaleema chapter 29 . 7/19/2005
Another part of your story that I love is the use of spirit stones. I'm not familiar enough with the mythology that you are using to know if this is your invention or just a borrowed idea, but it works so well and the imagery of it is perfect. You do a great job of working with the spirit stones, both in these scenes with Tal Natha and later with Augwak and Pomiere.
Kaleema chapter 26 . 7/19/2005
I really like this whole series of scenes where Charmain enters the dream realm to help Tal Natha. You paint the scenery beautifully with your words, and the plot here is very interesting. Great job, and wonderful ideas. I like the introduction to Moon Wolf, although he is disgustingly grumpy later in the story. This might just be your characterization, or a twist that he adds to help train Charmain...time will tell as you update.
Kaleema chapter 20 . 7/19/2005
Pakwa is a fun character, and a neat break from the rest of the plot. It's always good to have exceptions to the rule. Although you might want to explain a little bit more of why Pakwa decides to follow Charmain and help her out. You do mention the fact that she gave him a present (chocolate) and he feels beholden, but explaining a bit more of his culture would make this a bit more believable and add depth to your world by making the different cultures more clear to the readers.
Kaleema chapter 17 . 7/19/2005
The Uroona are a very interesting race, and I like them. Great way to introduce foreshadowing and to help Charmain to realize what lays ahead of her. Another well written scene, and one of my favorites.
Kaleema chapter 11 . 7/19/2005
Another one of your talents is to keep the plot spinning...your scenes move quickly and the action rarely dies down. X'aruu is one of my favorite characters, although towards the latter part of the story you seem to develope his immaturity and over eagerness more. Most of your characters seem to have some aspect of childishness (which is true of most people to some degree) but it seems more prominent than it needs to be. Especially with X'aruu and Drake, when it almost becomes annoying. I understand the application of it in Tal Natha and Ocryx, as they need to have character flaws in order for Ocryana to have cracks to exploit. But it seems a bit overdone in some of the dialogue where there is alot of yelling and stubborness. Often Ocryx seems to come across as more of a child than a menacing and short tempered spirit. And Red Bird is almost too naive at times...but it still fits and flows well with your story line. You do have a good writing style, and I'm not trying to just criticize. I hope some of my comments are helpful, but they are just my opinion. So keep writing, for you do a good job and have interesting stories to tell.
Kaleema chapter 7 . 7/19/2005
Again, great dialogue. You do a wonderful job of sticking with a characters manner of speaking, and the conversations flow smoothly. The balance between narration and dialogue is also well done. And I love your use of cliff hangers at the end of your scenes; it does a great job of hooking the reader and making them want to keep reading, or at least come back soon to see what happens to resolve the problem.
Kaleema chapter 4 . 7/19/2005
Very well written scene. The imagery and dialogue were clear and drew me into the plot. However, Charmain seems a bit impulsive in her decision to aid Tal Natha. Perhaps this is your plan for her character, but I think it would round out the story and make her resolve more believable if she put more thought into the decision. If you showed her thoughts and maybe had more dialogue between her and Tal Natha, it would make her dedication more understandable and could help your readers to relate with Charmain more.
Kaleema chapter 3 . 7/19/2005
You do a wonderful job of portraying Charmain and Drake in the light of gawky teens. Drake is annoyingly obtuse, and almost seems like a filler character for now. He does serve as a companion for Charmain and reminds her (and the reader) of the beginning of the story, but he seems so dorky as to be almost unbelievable. Especially when you introduce Marcott. However, this is a personal preference, and you do a wonderful job of maintaining his character. The same consistency applies to Charmain, and I find her character to be much more believable. Charmain is somewhat immature at times, but this fits with the parameters for your story. My only suggestion would be if you want to attract an older audience, perhaps you could have a slightly more mature main character. While Charmain is growing and maturing through the story, it is painfully slow sometimes and she starts to lose my interest. Again, a personal preference, but also something I've noticed about what attracts readers.
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