Reviews for Advocate
CTRL chapter 11 . 5/3/2005
I LUB THIS CHAPPIE!

:D :D :D :D

(sorry im a lil late, i kno, but my parents had to unplug the computer for a while because they had to paint the computer room )

Sarah was about to remind him that she couldn’t walk, but there was no need. He was apparently already aware of that. Without even asking for permission, he bent down and picked her up, carrying her bridal style. There was a smile on his face when he saw that she was blushing and avoiding his eyes.

“Do I make you nervous?” he asked a bit softly, his voice rather low. He already knew the answer.

“Just walk,” she told him. “I wanna get out of this dress.”

“But you look so nice… Think about what Davin would say if he saw you like that.”

“Which is exactly why I won’t be wearing anymore dresses.”

one of the parts i liked. oh that and when Sarah first dresses up and all that jazz.

Bid thee adieu!

Sydney

ps-Update soon!
Mekon474 chapter 6 . 5/2/2005
“You should wait a bit before you head out. Knowing you, you’ll underestimate it and hurt yourself.” Matt frowned a bit at that remark.{The sentence about what Matt does should be in the next pgh}

Hunters were always so thrilled when it came to chasing a demon. They greatly enjoyed their jobs, and it looked like these two were no different. She was going to be dragged along with them.{This is a contradiction, because she is the one who asked if she could go along. Unless she's very selfish (more than materialistically) she wouldn't think this}

{Did matt get his Sepfeer? Maybe I missed that part in the last chapter, or maybe you didn't emphasize it enough when he did. I remember a lot of hype about why he needed it, but none when he got it}

{The characters still don't have any character. They only think of superficial things, like...}He couldn’t wait to reach the next town. If he could find another talisman, he would be able to get stronger, and with that strength would come the chance to complete his goal...{Put in some motivation!}

Protection spells weren’t known for their stability.{Is this an intentional paradox, or an accidental contradiction?}

Addicting as ever, I'm going on to the next chapter. :-)
B. S. Armstrong chapter 11 . 5/1/2005
Once again, I'm extremely impressed. Keep up the good work and keep posting. Please!
SulliMike23 chapter 11 . 5/1/2005
Wow, I guess Matt's feelings towards her are starting to show. ANother good chapter as always Kitai.

By the way, I've been accepted at Brown College, just thought I'd let you know.
CTRL chapter 10 . 4/30/2005
sorry it took a while to review. im not supposed to be on the computer right now, so the reviews gonna be short.

“Not at all.” A very devilish smirk spread across his face. “…I just like killing demons.”

I dunno why but i like that line. lol. makes matt seem more...dark-ish. hah.

update soon!
Mekon474 chapter 5 . 4/30/2005
Good chapter. Still littered with the same two-dimensionalities, mostly pertaining to the dragon and to magic, but I enjoyed it nontheless. There was one, however, that bugged me. About the Kirosu blade. She just happens to own it? Perhaps you could have mentioned it earlier and had davin and sarah talking about it, so it didn't seem so much like this:

"Look! A dragon!""Lucky me, I just happen to have inherited this sword from my father!""Cool!"

Again, you mentioned many 2d things. Dantes bring, the dragon, the sword... You should work on this.

A new one that I haven't mentioned largely was mood-disprution. You need to use words that consistently portray one mood. This story seems all over the place. Starting out with fear, and then all of a sudden jumping to curiousity and then confidence. Then to a "Hmm, let's wait here because I'm stubborn" "Okay!" mood. Then to an awe-mood when he attains Sepfeer.

This is probably one of the biggest flaws I can find. Mood and 2-dimensionalities are the biggest story-killers in this modern day. Unfortunately, this story is a victim of both.

Lucky for all of us, it doesn't mean that this awesome story is lost. Because neither are proportonal to the writing skill of the author. It's a matter of neglegence. Pay more attention to these flaws, and go though them a few times (improve them) instead of just posting them. That's all you need. You may well end up going through the entire story and rewriting the whole thing, but you may also find, as I did, that it's actually quite fun to do. Then, you know you have a story you can truly be proud of.

As usual, I enjoyed this chapter and look forward to reading the next one.
Mekon474 chapter 4 . 4/30/2005
Davin’s face paled a bit at the name of that spell. The Indignation was probably one of the most powerful spells that the Sorcerer’s Guild could create. Only a handful of sorcerers could successfully cast that kind of spell. Most were hit with a sort of rebound due to the massive amount of heat the flames gave off. Some were burned alive while casting it. It was indeed a dangerous spell.{two-dimensional. Perhaps give it more depth by mentioning it earlier in the story. Maybe matt talks about it, or casts it in front of Sarah.}

{It's never apparent in this story as to how intelligent a person is, or what their personality is. Work on describing the characters' thoughts and feelings.}

“Morning? It’s almost nightfall!” he shouted. Matt looked shocked and quickly turned to his window. He pulled open the shutters and found that it was indeed almost dark out. The sun was slowly disappearing behind the horizon. A sense of panic quickly overwhelmed him.{This seems inconsistent with how Matt is usually on top of things.}

One of them happened to be MattUnfortunately, they had all picked the closest person to attack, and that just happened to be MattOne of those five happened to be MattThere was just one left now, and that happened to be Matt{"Happened to be Matt" not only disrupts the mood of the story by making it sound lighthearted, but is obviously overused in this chapter}

{Why should we fear a dragon? This is the first time they seem to be mentioned. There is no backup in the story to make us fear that a dragon came.}
B. S. Armstrong chapter 10 . 4/29/2005
Again I really enjoyed the chapter, just keep putting more on as soon as possible. PLEASE!
Mekon474 chapter 3 . 4/28/2005
This chapter was kind of a let down. To me, it feels as though this world is two-dimensional. Some great god left these powerful things, and the protaganists are collecting them for no apparent reason. (as of yet) Again, the dialogue is a bit too modernized for my taste. But I expected this to be consistent throughout, so it doesn't really bug me.

One thing I don't quite like is Matt's seemingly infinite power. Is there any form of recoil for magic? How is it cast? Magic has so much potential, there has to be some sort of downside to it.

Everything seems very casual, also. They're casual about travelling together, they're casual about these talismans of great power, and they're casual about hunting demons at night, which apparently is supposed to be hard. It makes it sound like the classic "Hey, wanna save the world? OKAY!" story.

I think that you could work on introducing important (or semi-important) facts into the story. For example, your explanation of a demi-god is that "They're part dragon, part demon and part human. They're the closest thing to a god that a human can be." There are some inherent flaws in this, because the expected use of the term 'demi-god' is that it's a weaker god, or a god's apprentice. You have to work a bit harder to destroy that bias and make the term your own. Add more depth as to why this species-mixture is so spectacularly strong.

So far, the characters are rather flat. They never think to themselves unless it's about what's at hand. Maybe they've had previous experience with something, or some traumatic experience in the past that makes them afraid of the dark, or something weird like that.

A good way to improve the depth of your characters is to get a few pieces of paper, and just write. Write about the character. Ask yourself as many questions about them as you can think of, and then answer all of them. Don't answer a few, answer every single one. How tall are they? Their eye color? Hair color? Length? Build? Any distuingishing marks? What about their clothes? What jewelry do they wear? Tatoos? Finally, after you answer a bunch of questions about their physical self, talk about their personality? What are their pet-peeves? Are they shy? Talkative? Why? What about their childhood? Where did they live? What did they do?

Writing this extensive history on story characters may seem like a lot of work, but is actually very fun.

For my short story that I can finally post today (in 30 minutes, curse that 3-day limit) I not only created full bio's of all three characters introduced (Kilikk, Sion and Kilikk's Father) but I created a map of the world they live in, the forest in the world that he lives in, and the clearing in the forest that he lives in, and the den in the clearing that he lives in. I created a pretty extensive (though incomplete, and not without flaws) magic system. Not only did I do this all, but I loved every second. Plus, my time won't go to waste, because I plan on writing more if people enjoy my work.

When I post my story, I would love it if a good writer such as yourself read and reviewed my writing.

Remember, which I'm sure you did, that by no means am I saying I don't like your story. I love it. It's a habit of mine to be very critical of writing. Only when somebody (including yourself) finds something wrong with the story can it get better.

I look forward to reading chapter 4.
Mekon474 chapter 2 . 4/27/2005
CHAPTER 1

about 5/8 of the way through, a typo:'“Is this is?”' -[Right here]

around 7/10 of the way through, awkward:'“You’re no traveler,” she stated at last, smirking a bit. “Most talismans are used solely for demon hunting. What are you…really?”'{Why would this be such common knowledge? Maybe reword it and make it sound more general.}

you use he term "small trance" a few times. maybe find a different phrase.

Near the end, about 6/8 or 7/8:'“If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to come with.”'{Why does she want to come? Maybe give a bit more depth to it, because it doesn't seem like a light decision to make...}{Also, just before this, you say "Quickly got up and did the following" which sounds awkward}

CHAPTER 2

between 1/4 and 1/5 of the way through:'“Someone else is out here,” whispered Matt. “I think it’s a hunter.”'{Why exactly would he know this? Maybe introduce this fact more naturally}

'A ton of people rushed up to the man and began taking the flyers from him'{'ton' is a pretty modern term. It sounds detached from the rest of the story because of it}

Good story, though your word usage is a bit repetative(sp?) and some of the things seem detached. Such as some names and a lot of the terms they use. "a ton" "come with" etc. they just sound like they shouldn't be there. I also find it distasteful that you have so much dialogue and action, but so little scenery description. The story should paint the picture for us, not the other way around.

And though I think it's a little cheesey to have the main character meet two companions in the first two chapters, and having the chapters named after this event, it's more of a matter of opinion.

You've done a great job of doung a third person omniscient perspective. It's hard to do, and though sometimes it can be unclear who the narrator is focused on (Matt, Sarah or Davin) you've still done a great job on this.

I look forward to reading more.
dreamingducky too lazy to sign in chapter 9 . 4/27/2005
“If you give me the talisman…I’ll take care of those demons.”

Should've seen that coming. lol. And i wouldn't have guessed the mayor to be so young. i imagined a mayor to be an old guy with white hair or something. lol

Update soon, i liked this chapter also!
B. S. Armstrong chapter 9 . 4/27/2005
I like the twist you threw in about the mayor being younger, as most are not. Will that have any impact on what later happens in the story? Anyways, keep up the good work and keep on posting more!
CTRL chapter 8 . 4/26/2005
Willy Wisp! lol. That's fun to say! :D

Good Chappie.

Update soon!

Sydney-
Mekon474 chapter 1 . 4/26/2005
Good Story. I haven't finished reading chapter one so far, but it's promising. I'll read it when I get more time. Keep up the good work!
B. S. Armstrong chapter 8 . 4/25/2005
I love how you brought out that little bit of compassion in Matt. I totally wasn't expecting that! Keep posting please.
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