Reviews for The Forgotten Child
Celtiar chapter 1 . 4/11/2005
This is good. It's more than good. It's fabulous! I especially liked the Queen's last words: "She shall be your guide." They gave me a certain thrill of pleasure and excitement. For real. How could you possibly call this 'crappy'? You should never say something like that about your story again. It's a lot better than anything I wrote or could ever write, and it's a perfect beginning for a lovely story. I loved the names 'Salheilwen' and 'Kadyet'. How do you come up with such beautiful names? Do these two have any particular meaning? I literally beg you on my knees for more of this story! This is one of the best opening chapters I've seen so far. It's not too long and doesn't ramble about totally unnecessary things like the exact position and appearance of everything from the King's cloak to the servants' hairstyles. The description of the midwives' apparel might possibly look better if it was shorter (but it's fine as it is).

Some suggestions.

1. Do not' say that the story is 'crappy' in the summary. Then people will think that it is really 'crappy' and not read it. We can't afford to have everyone ignore something as good as this! Try something that sounds inviting. It doesn't even have to be long. You can just write down something like, 'She was to be their guide. The tale of Salheilwen.' (Sorry, my writing skills are terrible, but it was just a suggestion.)

2. 'Do not' put down 'cannot think of title where did title go?:' as the title. It's doing your beautiful story a terrible injustice. 'Salheilwen's Tale', 'Salheilwen's Journey', or 'The Forgotten Child'... Anything will do. The title should not state that you have no title. It looks like you don't have control over your story. You can even come up with something vague and say that the title is temporary in an author's note, but stating that you have no title is a terrible thing to do. This is very important. The title is the first part of the story that your readers see. You have to make them want to read it. I assure you that it's worthy of much notice.

3. 'Do not' phrase your comments as an author in such a manner as 'ok... some random things i gotta say for this chappy... (shortened) 3)plz flame me, i need sumthin to go agro at rite now... that is all... TOODLES!' if you can help it. Especially the 'plz flame me' part. 'Plz' looks unprofessional, and I know that you are a very talented and skillful writer, so 'please' don't do that. I must say that the first chapter will look a lot better if you move your comments to a separate chapter. If you have an author's note before the first chapter, you could possibly consider leaving your comment as it is (though I wouldn't recommend it highly). Moreover, we can focus on the depth and feel of your wonderful, crisp, but poetic language if you make the chapter stand alone.

I feel drawn to the character of Salheilwen already. I think she'll grow up into a quiet but confident and powerful young woman. Someone you can love. Kadyet, on the other hand, seems like she'll be a little vain and proud, but likeable in her own way. Please don't lose the beautiful formal tone of the first chapter, because I think that it really suits your selection of characters well. It's not too formal, but somewhere on the borderland, so don't worry. And please don't write bread-and-butter chapters after this, describing exactly what Kadyet and Salheilwen grew up to look like and how tall they were in a profile-like way. If you like that, I can't stop you, but it again doesn't look professional. And don't spend too much time describing how they lived. Stories like this need to have a tight pace, though I think that occasional scenes of subtlety would be nice, too. I'd also appreciate it if I could see something about Salheilwen when she's in the toddler stage. Feel free to ignore all my comments if you don't like them. You are the writer, and I think that this chapter is simply marvelous. I wish I could write like you. Please give us the second chapter soon if you can. May Elbereth guide you! Regards from the Teltarian Riders.
fernowee the toast chapter 1 . 4/11/2005
fuck you you fuckin fuck!1 argh!11 flame flame flame! ! 2 do;iagje;gbalwe~~!1 ;)
Some Random Reviewer chapter 1 . 4/11/2005
we*spins cartwheels around the empty house* im free, im free! im reviewing my own story! arent i just so weird!