Reviews for Attics
half-sketched.staccatos chapter 2 . 1/25/2009
konnichi wa

Oh, bittersweet to read, especially that last bit. The first part was more nostalgic, reminding me of everything I have swept away from long ago. In my room I have a large chest (more like a bench that opens to allow storage space) where I put all the things from years back that I want to remember and/or keep. This poem reminded me of that.

I skimmed your first version of the poem and must agree that the renovation is much better. I may not have noticed it had you not posted a revision but since you did, it is only natural to compare the two. You had the last line in the first stanza, and I really think it is an ending line, especially the way you broke it up - having lost as its own stanza. That is one of my favorite lines in this.

I loved the third stanza. "hopes / wishes / promises to yourself / covered in dust" I think it may have sounded better as "collecting dust" instead, but of course that is just a personal preference... not to mention getting quite nitpicky.

I also think that it was smart to take out your last stanza in the first version. The child finding memories of old was cute but not really the point. The point should be the last piece, and I think "moments you wished would last forever / lost" is really the point you wish to get across... or at least the one I found most poignant. Nostalgic and bittersweet as I said before. A lovely piece.

Ha det

Starfire17 chapter 2 . 8/2/2008
Again your ability to write two poems so similar is amazing. Whilst the first seems to convey rebirth or hope this second by simply reordering and removing some stanza's convey's instead a loss of hope. Great work!
Starfire17 chapter 1 . 8/2/2008
Very good. Well written and the idea is well thought out. I especially liked the first stanza and in particular the line "dreams forgotten in dust". I would have preferred that you used a fullstop at the very last line of the poem however.

One thing that I didn't catch onto straight away but that I absolutely adore is the match between the middle lines of the first stanza and the last lines of the middle stanza's ie. line 2 last line in stanza 2, line 3 last line in stanza 3 etc. Wonderful job and excellent work.
dragonflydreamer chapter 2 . 6/21/2008
RM review #2!

Need I even say that I loved this poem?

It amazes me how you manage to say so much with such simple phrases. I could see and feel everything you were trying to convey just as clearly as if you had written pages about it. My favorite part was the last two lines. The second to last line was very powerful and something many people can relate to. Then, the last line, and single word in its own stanza, drops on the reader like a bomb. Needless to say, it left a very strong lasting impression.

Lines 2-4 in the second to last stanza felt like you were just restating the same things. I think it would sound better if you tried to phrase them a bit differently, like you did with the second line in that stanza.

Beautiful work again!
Needa S chapter 2 . 3/28/2006
Nice, Excellent write.
vballgurl154 chapter 1 . 10/9/2005
I really like this one...
La Gitane chapter 1 . 9/14/2005
Strangely enough, I prefer the first poem. The beauty of things in an attic is that no, they are never truly lost, and that someday some person little connected with the original people will sit and rifle through strange memories, and be touched.

'Lovers sealed tight in a box' is really an excellent line, because it says so much. Personally, I wouldn't specifiy the letters are love letters, because it would be all the more implicit in the fourth line, then, and rely a little more subtlety.

Lovely poem though. The short lines and closed words creak of an old dusty attic, and give it a lovely atmosphere...
Indigo-Andie chapter 1 . 8/27/2005
read both...and i think both leave quite a different impression, the first one more with hope that someone will find them, and the other just the uselessness of the stuff, or showing how trivial it may have been...lots of feelings arise when you talk about memories...nice (both)
Cry Tears of Darkness chapter 2 . 8/17/2005
i think i prefer the first ch on this one
hiding behind amber eyes chapter 2 . 8/14/2005
good poem. sad but good. i like the whole thing and the concept. great job
A Face Worth Remembering chapter 2 . 8/14/2005
Definatley different. Interesting. Good job.
Rosanna28 chapter 2 . 8/14/2005
I like this one better than the other one to tell you the truth..don't really know why thought,'s just an awesome poem!

Much love, Rosanna.
Princess-anna57 chapter 2 . 8/13/2005
Great ending. Nice poem! Keep writing!

poetic abortion chapter 2 . 8/13/2005
the second stanza is my favorite, the way you finish this off is just perfect and you make it almost a gateway into a different world. I love that, beautiful work and absolutly marvelous.

~* noelle
queenvixta chapter 2 . 8/13/2005
Very beautiful. Simple but deep and very nicely written. QueenVixta
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