|Reviews for League of Elemental Masters|
| Yuval chapter 3 . 10/15/2005
I feel bad for dissing your lack of description in the other two chapters now. It could do with a little work, but it's not bad by any means. And some of your character designs are berserk in a good way. XD
Again, where's the emotion? I mean, by this point, I personally would be running around, screaming and looking for a way out. Either Rai's emotionally scrambled, he's done this before or he's one cool cucumber. Same goes for the others, although it seems they're used to weirdness anyway.
but your character designs sound cool.
The dialogue isn't particularly convincing, but that's mostly because of the lack of emotion. These characters could be robots reciting spiels from a book.
Your backstory is also cliched. (I love that word.) Even more overdone than the elemental-powers story is the tale of the evil that has threatened, been destroyed, re-emerged more powerful than ever, and has to be destroyed again. Once again, you could do something original and unique even with this template, so I'm not unduly worried. Just please, no prophecies.
The flow of the story is odd. I hate to say it, but you're going to have to learn to write continuation - how one thing leads to another - rather than relying on "then that happened" or "suddenly this happened." Take Mattox and Druid disappearing. You said "Then they weren't there." I'd at least use a synonym for "weren't there," like vanished or disappeared. How about, "they abruptly vanished?" It means "then they weren't there," but it sounds smarter. XD also, I'd expect a sudden disappearance to have some effect on the world - for example, you'd probably hear a pop as air rushed into the previously occupied space. Think about sound, smell and touch as well as sight and your descriptions will be a lot better.
That's pretty much all I have to say for now. Please don't stop writing just because I'm a bitch - I'm not particularly good myself, and I only want to see you get better. You have the potential for an awesome sci-fantasy tale here, and I can tell that you also have the potential to be an incredible writer.
And your character designs are COOL.
Er, bye. *sneaks away*
| Yuval chapter 2 . 10/15/2005
This is more interesting - you've introduced another world, I see. So, are all the characters going to be from different worlds? That could be fun.
Anyway. This introduction thing is, as I said, cliched. I mean, an Enigmatic Voice is introducing each character as if they were part of a game show. The wheels were cool - I'll get to that in a moment.
Now, why aren't Creo and Raimundo (that's an odd name for a human, but I'll let that pass, because in my opinion there's nothing wrong with odd names) freaking out about this? No, seriously. In Rai's case - if you were suddenly set on fire and teleported to an underground living room thing, and a girl with wings (or something of the sort) came in and sat down beside you, how would you react? Their emotions are too flat - they're accepting this as a matter of course, which is quite bizarre, considering that they seem to come from worlds where such things don't happen. Reactions are bloody hard to write, I know, but in this case I'd expect fear, shock, anger or curiosity, depending on the personality of the character.
You have next to no description in your writing. I have little idea what this space they're in looks like, or what THEY look like for that matter. I don't mean that you should overload your writing with flowery description - succinct is good sometimes, a lesson i personally have yet to learn - but you can devote a bit more time to it. Don't worry if it comes out sounding weird - once you gain some skill with it, description is the funnest thing to write. (I don't even know if funnest is a word. XD)Don't worry about dragging the pace of your chapters at this point. This is the start of the story, and each of your chapters would be about 500 words long, I think - you could stretch that to 10 words and it wouldn't matter. It gives readers a feel for the story, you see.
Anyway, I'll move on, and will do some more nitpicking in the next chapter. (Sorry again!)
Incidentally, though, your spelling is pretty good. You could also do a lot of interesting things with the setting you've laid out for yourself. Even the whole elemental-powers thing could be interesting - I see you're not taking the earth-fire-wind-water approach, which is fine, although I'm not sure what you're planning to do with time.
| Yuval chapter 1 . 10/15/2005
Er. Well, I can't really pass judgement yet after only one chapter, but I'll review the next two chapters too. (I'm sorry if you don't like concrit. Just pretend I didn't review you - I'm harsh sometimes.)
First off, the whole premise is a bit cliched. The basic story - people gain elemental powers, go off to save the world - has been done a thousand times, and oddly enough, the main character always has either fire or wind. (It's because they're cool. XD) But that doesn't really matter - I mean, if you can put a new spin on it, you can take the most cliched story ever and make something beautiful out of it.
Your grammar needs work. Your sentences don't really flow, so they're slightly hard to mentally read. You put commas and full stops (periods) in the wrong places, and omit them in others.
"I was an ordinary kid, I led an ordinary life, I lived on Earth and I had a family. Earth is gone now and it is safe to say my family is dead. My life has been shattered the only reason I was saved was that night."
If I was going to edit this, it would read,
"I was an ordinary kid - I led an ordinary life, I lived on Earth and I had a family. Earth is gone now and it is safe to say my family is dead. My life has been shattered; the only reason I was saved was that night."
I'd explain the use of semicolons and hyphens to you, but unfortunately I can't explain things all that well.
I'll read the other chapters now, because at the moment I haven't a real feel of the story. Again, I'm sorry for doing this - and there ARE good points, I just haven't mentioned them yet because I'm too busy being horrible.
| Moonlight Tigress chapter 3 . 5/4/2005
Wow... this is shaping up to be a really cool story..Continue! I'll be waiting for it... :)