Well, so my grandmother does have internet, but it's dialup that's too slow for gmail (I tried), and it took about 15 minutes to get this window to come up. I just wanted to say my goodnight this way because it always hurts me to see my sister being put to bed and for me to just sit by passively, you know. So I just wanted to climb into your bed and snuggle up to you and let you read to me and feel good inside .. because I'd like to feel good inside, mama. I should be home in the morning around 9 or 10, but I'm not sure exactly when as I'd rather go home and swelter and my sister would rather stay here in the AC and get lots of grandmotherly attention. So grandma said she'll bring me home in the morning when she gets a chance - hopefully by 10. I'll write as soon as I hit the door .. *feels like crying right now, too saddened by her lack of motherly comfort despite the fact that she's too old for that sort of thing* .. I love you, mama. Night night.

In case you can't get on the other but you can on here ... well, I'd know if you'd written because I'd see it.

But ehh ... maybe you just need a day off to sleep etc.

*loving cuddles*

I just don't feel good .. and I'm nervous about tomorrow .. you apply on a computer, but the manager might come out and speak if he has time. (I called ahead to see if I should dress up or not, bring a resume, etc.)

Does nobody share a bed with their friend when their friend sleeps over anymore? Sheesh.

I'll be up between 8.30 and 9, probably. Then Mom's dropping me off at Target and taking Nina to get her hair cut. And we're running a bunch of errands ..

Neighbors left $70; told you they overpaid! *is happy about that, at least.*

*doesn't want to know* .. *pole & belly dancing is supposed to aid in rapid weight loss, anyway!*

*hugs you tightly and goes to bed later feeling loved.* Night night mama .. sweet dreams.

Aw ... come here, you sound like you really need a hug more than ever today.

*pulls you close and holds you very tightly*

Now listen, I'm sure nothing I can say will make you feel better ... well, much better, in your present mood, so ... at least, try to get lots of sleep tonight, we'll read together first because you don't want to fall behind, and you need to get whatever you have to write about it out of the way.

There are a lot of pressures on you at the moment ... and you won't cope well if you're tired and sick ... so eat and sleep ... yes, you need to eat something. And then hopefully, you'll wake up tomorrow able to deal with everything that you need to do.

Just been watching the World Cup Final which ended in a penalty shoot out which is always horrible for the losers ... but ehh ... Italy won and were ecstatic of course. Sad French. But c'est la vie. Someone has to lose. And while that was on I had to be mummy and cook steak and chips and stuff for Tom and some Australian friend he's got here, John. I can't remember the time I cooked a proper meal ... a while ago. Getting out of practice.

I shall have an early night as you're not around. I've got a few things done today and mowed the lawn, now have to clear all the stuff off the bed that I'm currently using as a filing system so John has somewhere to sleep.

Please get better soon darling as I love you very much and I hurt for you when you're unhappy.

We'll talk tomorrow I hope at some point. I have to leave here at 11 to take Tom and myself to dentist but back before you wake up I expect. Then later 6.45 to 8.45 I shall be out, don't laugh, going to the belly dancing taster evening. Should be amusing if nothing else! Otherwise here.

*curls up on your bed and dozes while she waits for you to come up and when you do, gives you a warm loving hug and tells you to feel better soon and that you are much loved and when you're ready to sleep, kisses you goodnight and says God bless and sweet dreams*

*home, but feels sick and tired and miserable again.* .. .. *wants her mama and a lap*. I'm gonna go lie down .. I'll try to check back at bedtime .. *reaches out to you*

We sent those last two at exactly the same time. So you probably won't have seen it before you go out.

Hope going out takes your mind off things, yeah.

Lap is always here.

Yes, I can see it's all very anxiety making. Decisions. I was going to suggest that it would be nice for you to work at a bookshop ... but they probably don't keep late hours. Is Walgreens another all-purpose store. You have to consider how you're going to there and back and all that stuff too.

Patricia ... you really can't work 7 days a week. I mean look at the way you were last year ... tired and stressy all the time, and that was only like 4 days a week after school. If you work every day, I seriously think you'll be on your knees in no time and a wreck. You have to put your school work first don't you? And you know you don't have to push yourself that hard (as in 7 days a week) ... because I am here. I can just see you getting even more stressed and tired and ill ... and then where will you be? Consider it seriously.

I say, just get a job first. One that you will vaguely enjoy and will keep you busy, because there's nothing worse than clock-watching. Once you've got one ... then you can decide if and when other options present themselves ... what is the right thing for you.

You're too young to have to be losing sleep over this kind of thing. It hurts my maternal heart.

Try and eat some toast or something ... some fruit ... even if you don't feel like it.

Glad some of the computer is working some of the time.

Your mama wishes she could be at your side. She is in spirit anyway.

*cuddles you tightly*

I love you.

Pam just came over .. we're going downtown to do stuff .. I hope it gets my mind off of things .. I will write before bed, if nothing else, though.

*wants to climb into your lap and cry.*

True, I am PMSing, but .. I don't think it's hormones. I guess it's just anxiety .. I'm so worried that if I apply for a job at Target and I *do* get it and I get more hours (which I would, as I'd be able to work maximum of 7 days a week rather than 5, and a lot of holidays) which would lead to more paychecks, and Eastminster wants me back .. do I go back to less pay and more stress like I used to have? That's *if* I get accepted at Target .. I was going to apply to Walgreens too .. *sighs* .. I don't know what to do .. I didn't sleep well last night at all ..

I had to teach this sunday; poetry club was good ..

I work 5-10 on Saturday, and I get .. uhh .. $35 optimally. Considering they'll be asleep for a lot of that time, that's fine.

Just ill generally .. sore and nauseous .. not hungry, just always thirsty .. and my ears .. *sighs.* .. *just wants her mama to be at her side* I'll try to check back later if I can .. I'll write tomorrow if nothing else, but I can probably write at bedtime. I love you ..

Didn't think you'd be around, so I've been being lazy and lying in bed reading the Sunday papers. When I read the 'Culture' section, I wish I still lived in London as there's so much good stuff on ... arts, theatre ... everything.

*sigh* When I read your letter I got a kind of anxiety in the stomach feeling that I get when you're not happy. Or rather, that you get when you're being 'not yourself'. I guess you're due to get your period soon (and you still haven't been to the doctor). Dunno if it's the hormones, but if it is, I wish they didn't make you suffer so. Otherwise, I guess it's separation anxiety coupled with being worried about money and jobs and all that stuff. Bad combination.

Going to church? For fun .. or some spiritual solace?

If you feel like bawling then go up to your room and have a good bawl. Sounds like something needs to be released ... even if you don't know exactly what it is ... and if that'll make you feel better .. then, do it.

How was the poetry club?

Yeah, any of those days you mentioned are okay. Nothing major going on this end right now.

Glad you have a new baby sitting client. It's all money in the kitty. Just make sure you charge enough. You don't have to give up your time for a pittance remember. It's as good as anyone else's time.

I read Ch4 and 5 last night ... so you have a little catching up to do. I'll read it to you when you come back and go to sleep ... if you do.

When you say 'sick' ... do you mean nauseous, or just ill generally. In english english 'sick' usually means nauseous. Maybe it's just because you don't like any change in routine - you say you hate change - or ... I don't know what really. Nervous of talking to me? Hope not.

*snuggles you and nuzzles you and stays as close as possible*

Well, it's okay .. running a bit better, but not a lot .. still not pulling much up ..

Sorry, my session timed out last night.

*shakes her head* I don't know what my matter is, but I feel really sick and everything on me aches and I want to *cry* .. and I don't know why. But I do. I want to throw back my head and bawl for no reason .. I've felt like this for two or three days, it's just getting worse .. something's the matter, but I don't know what. After church, I may just come home and try to sleep for the sake of sleeping.

I'll try to write more today, but after dad wakes up, he may be down here all day doing what he can to finish fixing this thing - in the meantime, I'll call Hethr. (and can write tomorrow when I wake up and when I get back from Target, whenever that is, if nothing else). I need to tell her .. I can only do it Tuesday, Thursday, Friday or Sunday this week .. if that's okay with you ..

(I'm applying for my Target job Monday, Wednesday mom'll be out all day and I need to babysit Nina, & Saturday, I babysit! I forgot to tell you, I got a new client .. two daughters, 4 years and 15 months ..)

*climbs into your lap and sniffles.* I just don't feel good .. my left ear started bleeding yesterday, for no reason .. I found out I rubbed at it so hard I cut it. Anyway .. *clings to you.* I love you so much mama. I always will. I just don't feel like me right now .. I feel sick. I didn't read chapter 4 like I should've last night, either. *shakes her head and snuggles up to you.* I'll try to write later, mama. I love you.

I think you probably didn't see my last before you left the library. Anyway, I think you, like me, sometimes don't want to write too much, for fear of releasing a torrent of feelings or being negative or whatever. But, it feels like there's something wrong when you don't.

Not having anything to read in the morning or before bed is always sad ... but, nothing to be done right now. Maybe now you can see now why I get so stressed when my computer isn't working. Just causes feelings of huge agitation.

Anyway, I woke up at 6am again and I feel tired. I can never seem to get back to sleep again because, as soon as I wake up, thoughts start whirling around in my head.

So, I guess I'm not going to hear from you today unless you go somewhere where there's a computer.

I was sorting out some papers yesterday and found a lovely letter from you, written exactly a year ago when I must have been in Croatia. Not sure what prompted it ..

Here: "I just wanted to say (I know I write way too much and should shut up while I can, just as much as I hope you can’t get online and I didn’t say something stupid that made you refuse to speak to me) while I had the chance how much you really do mean to me. That poem you gave me … like I said, it made me cry just because I could feel how much I mean to you and how much you love me. (“Lullaby” did that too, you know.) I may be sick, and I may feel emotional-wise like I keep ramming my head into a brick wall, but you’re still by my you have been, no matter how happy I am or how depressed I am. You still love me, no matter what. And that means so much to me. I want to write something to you to show you how much you mean to me, but my muse won’t do it right now. Maybe tomorrow. I don’t know. But it’ll happen soon. If I could, I’d give you the moon and the stars and everything in the whole wide world to make you happy. And right now I just want to run to you and let you enfold me in your arms so I can cry out my pain and so you can too. Because the only time I’ve ever felt really safe is in your arms. You make all the bad go away, and when you talk to me, you make everything better, even if it’s only for a few seconds. You deserve so much in life, more than me, much more than me, but I’m your sidekick and I’m not going anywhere. We need each other, because a heart can’t beat when it’s only half of itself. I love you so very much, and I hope you’re okay and nothing’s hurting you. I can’t stand it when you hurt. Never forget how much I care and love you. That’s my one and only request. You’re my mommy and I’m honoured you’ve stepped into that role and haven’t let it go. And I know I’ve said all this before, but I want to keep saying it in the hopes that it’ll stick with you forever. You know … when I get absolutely devastated … I pull out my copy of “Lullaby” and all our old stuff and read it and feel so loved. So … know that you matter. Know that if I could, I would hold you close. And know that, no matter what, you will always, * always * be my best friend and my inspiration. I love you more than words, or ‘as high as the sky and as deep as the ocean’ as I used to say as a kid * grabs you and pulls you close to her and strokes your back * I promise I’ll always love you. And I keep promises. *nuzzle * "

I'm glad you still feel the same, a year on, despite all the difficulties and frustrations of everything. You can never write too much (of that kind of thing!). And ... I don't deserve much more than you ... you are wonderful and I'm very lucky to have you in my life. All the good parts hugely outweigh any bad parts. So ... remember that ... and that I love you very much. Always.

*hugs you hard and misses you*

I know you too well. There's always a reason ... and a valid one when you feel like this.

I wish you didn't feel so bad anyway. :(

Getting paid is good. Don't forget Hethr ... as if you could ...

I feel a bit lonely and solitary too ... as I miss the ability to talk in real time that we've been having and got used to. *sigh*

Feels like something's missing.

Know that I love you and I'll be curled up waiting for you tonight.

I dunno what the matter is .. I just feel sick. Tomorrow .. lying around the house, I guess. Getting paid for the neighbors, which is good.

*feels really solitary and sad for some reason.* .. *wants her mama.*

Aww ... what's the matter darling?

Why feeling so bad?

Just reading that, made me feel ... sad inside and anxious ...

Thank you for the love.

What are you doing tomorrow?