|Reviews for Wings|
| BK-u-got-it chapter 1 . 10/2/2010
Wow. Hm. Somehow I knew this would end in someone jumping off a building. Probably the name of the story gave it away.
I definitely enjoyed your take on this character. Seemed very analytical. The ability to solve math problems, being mesmerized by by the fish, the notice of the off-white walls and their cracks... It causes one to think of a particular style of person in their mind. One who thinks things through analytically and doesn't present emotion as often, if that makes any sense.
I loved the aquarium, especially when the fish fell out. It was a wonderful analogy for what your character was going through at the time.
And the ending, especially when the character saw their name in the wall. The mocking was well done, causing even your reader to feel intense dislike for the hallway. Even I wanted to get away from it as fast as possible...
...Although I think I would have taken a less direct route than the window.
| Jamie chapter 1 . 10/1/2010
I really liked this. It actually gets a little bit creepy, doesn't it? The looming thought of failure. Especially the part with the window moving closer. But that's probably because I'm afraid of windows. And the breaking through, the liberation of the failure, escaping the judgment. It's written very well. It was based on a dream, you say?
| Alicia Sunski chapter 1 . 3/5/2010
The parallels between the fish in the tank and the kids in the building are stunning. Is it a metaphor for the smart kids of the world-those who have to keep being perfect, passing every test, until they fail? Is there a deeper metaphor for life in general, and how people tend to live in a confined space?
I'd have to say my favorite part was the scene in which the fish dies. It's brief, but haunting. The narrator's story correlates with the fish's very well, and makes for very nice organization (not to mention a meaningful and satisfying conclusion).
I'm curious...how closely was this based on a dream?
| Mad Paladin chapter 1 . 7/29/2007
Powerful stuff. Metaphors, anyone?
| Giver of Roses chapter 1 . 6/18/2007
... That was powerful... I really felt the emotion... That was wonderful! Very well written... That made me want to cry though.
Sounds like one of my nightmares... The ones where inanimate objects(like that horrid off-white wall) say absolutely nothing that I can actually hear yet I know what they think of me, what they know... It's quite bizarre, isn't it?
I must say that I enjoyed this. This is going on my Favorites list! yes! I am happy also! I must admit that I could picture this in my mind perfectly. Mostly because you were so descriptive but also because my school has horrible off white walls that frighten me also...
~~Giver of Roses~~
| Chiclets chapter 1 . 10/27/2005
Based on a true dream? Um...one suggestion, but maybe it's merely a thing of author's preference...I don't know, but I've always thought a lot of small sentences together made something sound choppy, as opposed to using perhaps a semicolon in between some sentences. Did that make sense? Great story...at least, I like it. *blinks* I am spouting nonsense again, sorry.
| Kanarthi chapter 1 . 6/26/2005
Hi, Nil. I felt like joining fictionpress, so I'm going to give you a review. (It is easier here than at the forum, because I can nitpick more. I'll still comment there if you have a new piece, though.)
"I write the work for that one, and then the answer, mentally making a note not to get ahead of my hand. Math problems. They are as familiar as the back of my hand." You use 'hand' twice here. Maybe you could replace it the first time with 'fingers'.
"I locate the answers and write them down." This works, but it just seems awkward. It is creative, but it really sticks out.
"It lands on the couch, gasping for breath." You didn't mention a couch before, so I went, "What couch?" A couch also makes it seem like a comfy place, which I don't think is what you are going for.
"I watch it lie dead on the floor - it’s quivering ceased." You don't need an apostrophe here.
"I watch the floor were it was." I think you mean "where" but I'm not sure...
"The person is smiling as if at one’s self." It is poetic and all, but can be distracting. You have to read it over several times before you understand it. If that is the effect you are going for, then you did a good job.
"The person is grinning now." To make it really sound negative, use a different word. This could be much more vivid. 'Smirking', perhaps?
"I walk down the off-white hallway ignoring its silent words. I fail at that." If you put a 'trying' in, it would be clearer, but I'm not sure it would be as expressive.
"I piece together the missing paint into words. It says failure." Maybe use 'letters' instead of 'words' because you only mention one word. You use 'words' later... I'm not really sure what you could do about this.
Okay, that was a really long review. This story is my favorite out of all of the ones you wrote. I love the idea behind it, the details, and the sinister off-white hallway. You describe everything so well it is like I am there.
| Rykeroza chapter 1 . 5/13/2005
I love it! It's exactly the kind of writing I love, the kind of writer that I strive to be. This piece holds so much emotion and meaning. It reminds me of that quote by Patrick Henry "Give me liberty or give me death."
This would make a great music video for an Evanescence song.
I will never look at fish in a tank the same way again. Great job!