Reviews for If i die
violet bones chapter 1 . 3/13/2006
i think this is a subject that touches a nerve with every even slightly introspective person. It's sad and disheartening and i really like the way you conveyed that. well done!

love, Violet
ThatGirlInBlack chapter 1 . 9/17/2005
It doesnt have to rhyme to be the perfect poem, I really liked this one but I want to see the other one as well, great job by the way
shadow-spirit chapter 1 . 7/14/2005
the deterioation of the rme is niovce - its poetic, the words broke away from a confining scheeme and wrote how u felt - i think its a far more hinest piece than if u forced it back into ryming couplets - its a fear i think we all harber - well put.
Eirien chapter 1 . 6/30/2005
Quite sad, yet well-written, a powerful last line, set off additionally by placing those two lines by themselves. I know the feeling. My poem "If death was here" expresses exactly the same.
Azzalli chapter 1 . 6/27/2005
i really liked the point of this poem. but i think it's slightly off, the theory behind it i mean. becuase isn't the point of existing to change things? so if you didn't exist how could you change the world? it's good though.
Akai-MS chapter 1 . 6/25/2005
That was very very good. But it is good you know what is wrong with it when I don't have anything to suggest you. I'm sorry T-T. But that was really really awesome as well! You r an awesome poet! To me...well this poem tells me that one is all and all is one. That if someone died the world would still keep going. One is a person or animal and all is the world. It may affect people, but in truth it won't change much the world will still keep spinning and keep trying to live on. That's what this poem tells me. So, whatever you say you think is wrong or bad, to me this is an awesome awesome piece of work! Hurray for Jamiz! HURRAY! *throws stuff into air*
Kitroku chapter 1 . 6/11/2005
Nice but like you said it ends really quick.
decayinglife chapter 1 . 6/11/2005
Jamiz, first of all thank you for your review. i really liked the...third and fourth lines. especially the fourth line. i too have asked my somewhat boyfriend the same question, only to hear lies as you did. this poem spoke to me on many levels. it was very well written, i like free verse better than rhyme scheme anyway, it does cut off at the end, but i like it because it leaves me with unanswered questions and leaves me to interpret the poem any way i would like, such as, maybe the narrator is suicidal? i like this in poems when you have to think about the ending every now and then. anyways, very well done, i like it a lot.
ShadowPharoh chapter 1 . 6/11/2005
everything is affected by you and me and every single other person! great poem.

SP
mattrc chapter 1 . 5/31/2005
i've felt this way before. it was a while ago, but i know what you mean by it, and i like how its written. i especially like the last 3 lines because i want to make a lasting impact before i die,(in a good way, of course) and i wonder, sometimes, if i'll die and one day, no one will even know i ever existed. i dont know if thats how you meant it, but its how i took it, which is another reason i like not-so-specific poetry, because it gives you room to breathe with your own imagination. good stuff.
incandescent.smiles chapter 1 . 5/25/2005
First, thanks for the review! *big smile*. anywho...

This is pretty awesome, when you read it the rhyme scheme doesn't pop out at you, but it creates a simple rhythm that works well for this. It sounds like a lot of my old poetry... especially the ending. With the elipsis (or however you spell that) and the ending sentence... just really cool, it really reminds me of me... scary. anyway.

This thought has occurred to me many times (I mean wondering what it would be like if I wasn't here), which kinda attaches me to this poem, but then again, who hasn't thought about that? I know one of my friends walks about 10 feet behind her family every time they go to a store, and her family doesn't even notice that she's not there, they just continue laughing and talking amongst themselves. I guess I don't really think about this all too much since I went on a trip to NYC a couple months ago... I came home a day early and when I got there the family was barely functioning. So I'm reassured that they need me... but nevertheless, thinking about the "what if's" is just too much to resist sometimes... anyway, enough of me rambling! wonderful job, and again, thanks for reviewing!

~leila*
Sacred-Phoenix-Nephthys chapter 1 . 5/22/2005
I don't think anyone deserves to die...but this is a good poem, and it got ME thinking, i liked it. Keep it up...R&R mi worrk and i'll do the same.~devil-apprentice~
Twigstudios1972 chapter 1 . 5/14/2005
To me you've captured the emotion. I have felt what you've written. I don't think the rhyming has taken anything away. If you want to change it then by all means do. I like the suggestion the previous reviewer gave or add another couple of lines after "If I didn't exist, if I wasn't me". The "It seems..." lines pauses the reader and sort of builds tension which to me is good to me. But like I said go with your heart because that's where the words come from anyway.
daphnegray78 chapter 1 . 5/14/2005
This is a really good poem with a topic that is universally troubling.

My only suggestion is to expound on it a little bit. You could add more substance to the part about "You smirked at me and blew a kissthen replied with an outright lie." Is the person referred to here someone close the the narrator? Or, you could add more about the fear of not affecting anything. You could talk about more of the emotions the narrator experienced once he/she realized the possibility of not affecting anything.

These things might help with your problem of the rhyming scheme detracting form the seriousness of the poem, which I agree is an issue. Other that that, though... I think this is a great poem. I hope these suggestions help you, but feel free to disregard them. _ Keep up the great work!

~Daphne~