|Reviews for Pha'dora: Green Eye, Blind Eye|
| Satar chapter 41 . 11/30/2007
wow that was a very eventful chapter, im shocked nichara would speak out like that but i was totally cheering her on! why did naphtali not speak? i dont really see how thats wise, the situation could have turned out differently. no masks in the performance is a interesting twist and we finally get see what naphtali looks like!
| Counting Petals chapter 41 . 11/30/2007
I'm looking forward to seeing how this is going to play out, whether they go to the Queen's court, anyway, or run away. And I like how the tension between Naphtali and the others is increasing.
| Counting Petals chapter 40 . 11/24/2007
A few typos:
"...her delicate-looking hands walling the eager child inside her mother’s protective circle." But I thought the child was a boy?
"They had escaped the unpleasantness of damp ground and stones that stones that snagged the threads." Just a couple repeated words in here.
"I’m not so all as these people..." "tall"
"Her knees make a dull cracking sound as she stood up again." Tense confusion "made"
Other than that, I didn't see anything. I hope you update again soon!
| faery tragedy chapter 40 . 11/12/2007
I like how one of the themes is really cemented in this chapter. And it's a good theme at that. Your writing is strong and magical as usual. I'm glad you're continuing this! *faery tragedy
| Satar chapter 40 . 11/8/2007
interesting chapter, it was nice to finally understand why the mummer's don't seem to respect naphtali just cuz he hasnt shown his face to anyone, though i hope soon you'll reveal who is he what is past is all about, he's just too darn mysterious..lol!
| Counting Petals chapter 39 . 8/23/2007
Hmm. It doesn't look like I ever reviewed this, but better late than never, I suppose.
"Before they reached the wall, Naphtali gave haste instructions:" Do you mean "hasty instructions"?
| faery tragedy chapter 39 . 6/28/2007
Enchanting bit about the spider. I'm wonder if there's an analogy involved and I'm not clever enough to get it! :) Great chapter, very mysterious. I enjoyed the "melancholy-tinged" adjective; I thought it was a lovely way to describe it. Homeric almost. *faery tragedy
| satar chapter 39 . 6/3/2007
that was an interesting chapter, i wonder if Naphtali is really merrow or not. im curious about whats under the mask and why was it Juhana who saw him? hope hte next chapter is soon!
| melly chapter 39 . 6/3/2007
aah! i want to know want naphtali looks like.
anyway i know i have to wait :(
great chapter! a huge cliffhanger (it's hurts the soul u know)
update asap please .
| faery tragedy chapter 38 . 5/10/2007
What a beautiful chapter. I really felt some mystic tone associated with most of this...perhaps it was the mention of the Marajan attackers or the beauty of the sky or Mummers' fire. Nichara's empathy for the wounded newcomer is touching. And the dialog and even simple prose are overflowing with characterization and deeper insights to characters-especially our protagonist. Good job! *faery tragedy
| Satar chapter 38 . 5/9/2007
aww poor arun... though i dont really get why Hala won't let them tell the truth.. is it because they dont want anyone worrying? sheesh where the heck is naphtali whe u need him!
| Antiquary chapter 37 . 4/29/2007
I like your story even though I find it somewhat confusing at times. You have an original plot with original characters-I think you once said Nichara seems like an unpleasant person, which is true, but it makes her a better protagonist in the end because she is not perfect like most of them are. There are a few typos here and there, but they are things that can be easily fixed with editing and I usually forget about them and move on. I think a lot of what happens is confusing, and while the glossary helped to clarify some things, I get confused by the interchangeable names and all, if that make sense. Even so, I like your story a lot and I look forward to reading more of it. :)
| faery tragedy chapter 37 . 4/25/2007
I totally understand your feelings about writing something "silly." I'm glad you posted, though! I loved the way you pulled the reader into this chapter, with a hint of imagery and characterization. It seems Nichara is gaining a lot of confidence among the Mummers. Interesting analogy-the sticks and stones one I mean. I understand it completely, and I wonder how that'll play into the story. And the description of the bodies in the river was absolutely haunting. It stayed with me. Good job. *faery tragedy
| Melly chapter 37 . 4/23/2007
awesome chapter as always! .
but u are a bit evil 2 leave a cliff hanger not fair i want 2 know what happens
| miramee chapter 4 . 4/23/2007
ok, all in all considerably better than the last chapter.
firstly feel free to take my advice/review with a grain of salt. i haven't reviewed in ages, so bit out of practice. however, at the same time, please listen to what i say, give it a chance, because it would improve your story...
"“Don’t be *a foolish*, girl,”"
"If he had been concerned, he hid it *wall*, banishing it all to the darkest"
generally i don't have problems with the passive tense except
" A candle was dropped in front of her and it rolled across the uneven floor and was put out."
would be better written in active tense (purely because it would sound better, and be a bit clearer with regards to who dropped the candle etc), as in 'someone/cerdic dropped a candle...'
if the candle fell of its own accord just put 'a candle fell...'
“Come, Nichara!” the crimson king called to her and Nichara obeyed.
sounds a bit odd. you should just put 'he'
"When Nichara reached the top, she was met by a vast night sky. Flecks of water splashed up into her face. They were moving. “Put her down,” she pleaded half-heartedly as she searched the deck for Cerdic and her sister. Men who had accompanied the king to the island sneered and spat at her then acted as if she were not there at all. Nichara finally found what she had been looking for."
I have absolutely no problems with the first part of this paragraph. in fact i quite like the description. however, the second part is a little dodgy. the men jeer at her, then suddenly ignore her? why would they do that? sounds a bit odd, not exactly natural human behaviour... if there was a reason however... eg. cerdic gave them a dirty and told them to mind what they were doing OR the men looked away, their attention drawn by another, more interesting spectacle. nichara followed their gaze, and was horrified to see, halfway down the deck...etc'
also it seems strange that she's already lost sight of cerdic. can he walk *that* much faster than her? and why does she plead for him to put her down when she doesn't know where he is?
what i liked about this chapter:
the image of nichara's pathetic sister (reminds me of when i try to pick up my dog and she cowers and goes all limp...ok, that makes me sound like a bastard pet owner. i'll shut up. i love my dog, i swear)
the whole 'toss the cripple into the sea'. people did do that kind of thing in the past. cerdic is so brutal. but i like the way you've underlined it so clearly. i mean, you haven't told us, you've shown us. it's good. we've got his measure. (please forgive me for that rather disconnected paragraph)
i also liked the imagery of what nichara saw in the depths, etc. lovely.
"“I want a closer look at them first,” Cerdic replied, almost sensibly." in an outdated way sensible may indeed mean 'with feeling' etc, but nowadays when you write that you are basically saying that he is saying that in an 'almost prudent' way, which doesn't make sense.
overall, it's an improvement. does need a little editing. (in general you might consider getting rid of a few adverbs... yes, some of them are necessary, some of them are redundant. you can tell better than anyone which are which. eg. 'whispered quietly' is an example of a bit of a redundancy.)
looking at the characters and actual story, the pace is fine. the characters... well, cerdic certainly has a pretty well-defined character (not exactly nice, though!)... i hope nichara doesn't turn out to be evil. i would just stop reading the story then. (she'll be good despite her miserable past, right? or else she'll be bad but reform?) what's to like about an evil character? otoh, a character who is good despite suffering etc is excellent.