|Reviews for Pha'dora: Green Eye, Blind Eye|
| miramee chapter 3 . 4/23/2007
ok. let's see.
this chapter starts terribly:
"both events lacking the formality she had hoped to feel more important than her father."
i totally don't get this. should it be 'both events lacking the formality she had hoped for in order to feel more important than her father' (which admittedly sounds clunky too)
is she hoping for formality, or to feel more important than her father? this sentence doesn't really make any sense, so you'll have to change it.
"Cold air crept in from the window; fog from Athaca falling heavily to the floor. "
this doesn't make sense either. if you use a semi-colon i'm pretty sure the second part has to be a sentence, otherwise just use a comma.
so it should be 'cold air crept in from the window, fog from athaca falling heavily to the floor.' (as in the cold air is the fog...) or else, you could put
'cold air crept in from the window; fog from athaca fell heavily to the floor.'
this sounds much better.
"Her tears soaked her pillow; her pillow was naked with her hair."
the first two were ungrammatical. this isn't so bad. it's just confusing. how can the pillow be naked with her hair? it can be covered with her hair, but i don't see how naked works here. you should change it.
after this the chapter gets much better (it's bizarre. so often people's stories begin crap, so that the first couple of paragraphs will be riddled with errors, and then after this, everything smooths out and is normal. it's a pity, because so many people have dodgy debut chapters/paragraphs, and this is what the potential reader sees first and judges the rest of the story on.)
the rest is ok. i quite liked eireann's speech. although it was somewhat melodramatic, this is fantasy, and besides, it sounded rather good. her death was slightly confusing (but it's meant to be like that, right?).
i reckon "Nichara closed her eyes for a moment, smiling because she had had a mother all along." could be replaced with 'nichara closed her eyes for a moment and smiled. she had had a mother all along.'
poor nichara. so much suffering. but it will make her a stronger person i suppose.
i do think you should give this chapter a good bit of editing (it's an important scene - someone dies), vamp it up a bit. while it's ok to start off with, i suspect you could do much better.
one more thing: i love the short chapters.
| faery tragedy chapter 36 . 3/4/2007
Beautiful, beautiful narrative. I'm jealous. The part about Daniyel's eyes free of a mask is haunting. I like how Nichara isn't the focal point of all the chapters. It's easy to focus mainly on your protagonist, but you do well illuminating the secondary characters too. I'm excited to see where you're going with this! *faery tragedy
| Allesandra Thornbird chapter 19 . 2/23/2007
I like the character development you've got going here, it really makes the characters come to life and distinguish themselves from the others. I also like how the plot is sharp and changing so that it does not drag on too much. Juhana is trouble, now and for the future. Good work!
| Allesandra Thornbird chapter 16 . 2/22/2007
Wow, that's really intense. I kind of suspected that Asenath might try and kill Nichara. I also finally understand why Nichara was important to the king. Also, I like the posion in the ear thing - Hamlet(where I assume you got the idea, but I could be wrong) is my favorite of Shakespeare's plays. Nice work!
| Allesandra Thornbird chapter 15 . 2/22/2007
Still confused...must read on!
| Allesandra Thornbird chapter 14 . 2/22/2007
Now I'm a little confused. If the plan they spoke of is not an actual plan what did they accomplish by the whole scene? And why is Dara really there and how did Nichara's father die( I must have missed that somewhere). I suppose I'll just have to read on.
| Allesandra Thornbird chapter 13 . 2/22/2007
I wonder who the visitor is...? I also wonder what Juhana's marriage and departure will mean for Nichara. Very good job so far!
| Allesandra Thornbird chapter 11 . 2/22/2007
It was an accident that Talitha fell? By Nichara's resentful thoughts I would have though she did it on purpose. Interesting...
| Allesandra Thornbird chapter 10 . 2/22/2007
I'm so intrigued by Nichara's resentment towards her sister and why she keeps seeing her face everywhere. I love the way you are developing Juhana and Nichara to be so different - or at least they seem different to me. I like how Juhana is so bratty that she is kind of annoying and I immediately like Nichara more, even though she is far less innocent that Juhana. Nice work.
| Allesandra Thornbird chapter 8 . 2/22/2007
I'm starting to get it now...it was the beginning that confused me. Anyway, this chapter was wonderful. There are some many individual lines that left such a impression - too many to quote back to you now. Overall, this capter is extremely haunting but in a very good way.
| Allesandra Thornbird chapter 5 . 2/22/2007
Hmm, I'll admit that I'm a little confused - I'm not following the story fully just yet. It is wonderfully written though, especially this chapter. The "fum fum fum" really resounded through your words which was really cool. I'll read on and hopefully figure the story out.
| Melly chapter 36 . 2/22/2007
THATNK YOU SO MUCH .
your the best! Great chapter at first I thought hala liked her alot but he said it was everyones story.
but I want to know what's going to happen next.
Please update really soon! Your a Awesome Writer
(Sorry if it's all jumbled (sp?) but i'm at work typing as fast as I can so sorry. I love this story that much!)
| Counting Petals chapter 36 . 2/22/2007
Yay! #100! I feel special lol. I hate when that happens, when you have everything planned out, but you just can't get there and/or you have no time. Anyway...
"Seren said in her usually, ironic tone." This sounds awkward. Maybe just make it "usual"?
"I have never such dark skin on anyone before your performance at Cerdic’s castle…" I think you're missing a word here.
Except for these two little things, I didn't see anything wrong with this chapter. Keep it up!
| faery tragedy chapter 35 . 2/4/2007
I got a Rejection Code 3 for trying to re-review Chapter 34 :). So pretend I'm reviewing 34. Anyway, you do such a great job with descriptions. Everything you write has a mystical quality to them. I like Calliope's warmth. It's something new to exiled Nichara. Her backstory-the way you said she whispered it at the end-is bittersweet. She's very 3D. I hope you write more! *faery tragedy
| Satar chapter 34 . 2/3/2007
As usual great chapter!, just one sentencing error i believe you forgot the you in “Are not concerned?” Nichara asked suddenly. She was stiff in Calliope’s arms, afraid to move.
Cant wait for the next chapter!