|Reviews for Pha'dora: Green Eye, Blind Eye|
| Medieval Fantasy Freak chapter 22 . 7/18/2006
Wow, this story is so great. I usually don't start reading stories that are already over 6 chapters, but this story was really worth it.
I have no CC for you, because from what I've seen, other reviewers have pointed them out to you already. I will say that I've found a few grammatical errors here and there, but nothing major.
I cannot wait to read the next chapter! :D (Oh, and by the way, I've been reading this for three days, off and on. It takes a VERY good story to keep me reading that long. lol.)
Sincerely,Medieval Fantasy Freak
| faery tragedy chapter 18 . 7/16/2006
Geez you pump these chapters out fast! Congrads for being so timely. Anyway, what a GREAT opening paragraph of chapter 18. It really established the mood. You're writing is better and more compelling than ever here. I'm really enjoying Juhana, even though I still think she's a little brat. Nichara is so defiant...it's a treat to read about her, especially when she interacts with Damhan. I really love all of this and I can't find anything wrong-even when you said the chapters were clunky. *faery tragedy
| Satar chapter 20 . 7/12/2006
great chapter though im a bit confused how old exactly is nichara now? 16? she seems to age ever few chapters i've lost count lol! i'm glad she isnt obsessing over cerdic anymore, i honestly found that very annoying, i mean the guy killed ur family why would think yourself love him? cant wait for the next chapter!
| faery tragedy chapter 17 . 6/28/2006
I loved the intrigue in these last few chapters. It's meticulous, I think. It's a little hard to follow, but I re-read some earlier chapters. Interestingly enough, your writing style resembles Diamant's. As usual, you're a skilled writer. I found a couple of typos, but I'm sure they're nothing. Also-whenever I read this, I listen to Mouth Music's "The Seafarer." If you have iTunes or Limewire or anything like that, download one or two songs. I promise you'll see what I mean. It's half Celtic, half World. *faery tragedy
| Solestis chapter 1 . 6/6/2006
Wow. This is very very interesting. I can't wait to read more.
| The Gobbler chapter 2 . 6/1/2006
Oh, well done, I like the tension between Cerdic and Eireann, as well as the foreshadowing. The last sentence was the best: "Cerdic had his secrets too."
| The Gobbler chapter 1 . 5/31/2006
This is... intriguing. I like it. The writing is really good; I will read more when I have time.
| rrmehta364 chapter 15 . 4/17/2006
"“Ha! I have caught you!” she proclaimed, yanking up Nichara’s hair and hollering for her mother. “I have called for her, you know. She is coming. She will know all about what I have seen—and heard!”" : first off, I think a child would speak in more contractions and second I think having the passive voice is somewhat awkward.
Interesting turn of events at the end. As always, this was an excellent chapter. I'm looking forward to reading more.
| rrmehta364 chapter 14 . 4/10/2006
"Her fingers found the edge of the door without her consent; " : do you mean, she did it thoughtlessly.
"a course cloak in a discarded pile at her feet." : I think you meant coarse instead of course.
"staring down at her white-hare shoes against the dark, " : wait, were the shoes white, or did they come from a rabbit. If they came from a rabbit, than you should prolly say 'hare-white'
"Her eyes were melted stone." : What does melted stone mean?
"“Mother,” Nichara gasped, attempting to harden her tone. “You’re dead.” " : I found those lines strangely amusing.
Nichara sort of vaguely reminds me of Sansa from Martin. Just a random comment.
Anyways, I like how she isn't as excited to kill the evil King and whatnot. I'm tired of seeing Fantasy stories where the protagonist does what the 'good guys' say is supposed to be done, simply because.
"“It is a strong drink: one drop its taker is dead. We will slip it into his wine.”" : Ii think there should be an 'and' after the drop.
Anyways, I'm loking forward to reading more. I really liked the what I have read so far. I'm looking forward to buying this from my bookstore when you finish it, and get it published because this story is definately good enough to get published.
That said, I have a couple general criticisms of the story:
first, you have a tendency to be wordy. You use some very complex descriptions that confuse readers like me who aren't all that good at catching things. Its really important that your text never descends into purple prose because purple prose is the enemy. Yes, the enemy.
Also, you have to make sure you say exactly what you mean to say. There were several times in the story when I wasn't sure if you really meant to say just exactly what you said.
Anyways, I want to end on a positive note so I'll tell you my favorite things of the story.
First, you write beautifully. Truly, without a doubt you use some of the most beautiful innovative descriptions I have ever seen.
Second, is the excellent characterization. None of the characters are cardboard cut-outs or straight up stereotypes unlike what I often see. Characters are one of the most important parts of a story, and you've done a good job on them.
From now on, I guess I'll have to wait for updates like everyone else. Hopefully, you will update. As in very quickly.
Looking forward to reading more.
| rrmehta364 chapter 13 . 4/10/2006
Wait, why is it Devicha now. Very interesting. Very interesting...
"she though that she was one of them.”" : the though should be a thought.
"“Who needs her that one of the women cannot take her there?”" : do you mean "who needs her so much that one of the women cannot take her there?" The way you have it written right now doesn't make too much sense.
"Tell The Grandmother that you could not find her. She has already cursed you.”" : why is the the capitalized. If you are trying to show emphasis, you'd be better of putting it in italics or something else.
Vrey interesting. Very very interesting.
As always, and excellent chapter and I'm looking forward to reading more.
| rrmehta364 chapter 12 . 4/10/2006
Kind of strange how this story isn't getting much criticism (I looked through your reviews because I'm nosy) but something this good needs criticism especially since its good enough to get published, and you prolly want all the advice you can get, to maximize your chances of seeing it a book store.
"the white walls seemed to groan with the sullen sound of Cerdic’s music beyond them." : wait why would the walls be white. That would mean the walls would be marble. Marble is way to soft to be in a castle (Is this a palace or a castle. If its a palace, then it makes a little more sense) Even if it is marble, it would be extremely expensive for a semi-feudal society to maintain.
The society is essentially tribal in nature right? If so, be careful about surrounding his castle with too many riches. There's only so much you can take back, and as a tribal chief he would have to be wary of possible usurpers.
I really feel bad for Nichara, especially since she finally seems to be making friends again. Oh, and how old is Nichara. It was never really specified, and her age would make it easier to imagine her. Even if the exact age is unknown, has she hit pubert yet?
"but it was even more fragile than a bird." : Once again, I think the even actually weakens the sentence.
"The wings were shards of mossy glass—shards of a broken mirror, each adorned by a frightening eye." : I really like this sentence for some random reason. Very good.
"A slight breeze filtered suddenly from beneath the wall hanging." I prolly missed something big before, but what wall hanging. And what exactly is a wall hanging?
What's the level of technology of this world. Generally speaking, if a King goes out raiding, that would indicate a more tribal society. And a more tribal society would be less society and therefore would prolly not be advanced enough to have internal plumbing.
I really like the conversation with the old crone (I will refer to her as that, since it is so much easier for me to spell. One of the risks of having weird names, is that readers will balk at actually learning them)
It saddens me that Juhana will become an enemy. I've always had a soft spot for little kids in stories, so I liked her a lot. Still, the way the story is moving is much less predictable and more interesting.
As always, I'm looking forward to reading more.
| rrmehta364 chapter 11 . 4/10/2006
"Suileamhain" : how do you say that. Celtic tends to be really weird with pronounciations.
"Eireann’s face when her brother was sent away on a fishing boat, " : you might want to explain that line a little bit. I wasn't exactly sure what you were referring to,
"spinning and demanded that the do something else." : the 'the' should be a they.
"The Springs" : once again, I don't think its necessary to capitalize the 'the'
"the creature with green eyes. " : I thought there were more than one creatures. I'm looking forward to finding out what this is all about. Oh, and wouldn't Nichara want to know as well. I think there's nothing wrong with keeping everyone in the dark, but some people in the dark should also want to know.
I like the Jekyll and Hyde thing with Asenath.
As always, looking forward to read the next chapter.
| rrmehta364 chapter 10 . 4/10/2006
"Nichara could not even close her eyes against Talitha’s face appearing in her dreams." : I think the even in this sentence lessens its meaning.
"The steps leading to her tower room were cold beneath her palms. " : why would she be feeling the floor with the palms.
Maybe mention that it was safer to crawl earlier. I know a lot of people say you should make things mysterious and all, but I think that's more from a plot perspective than a style perspective. You don't want your readers to be confused as to what you are trying to say.
This really does kind of remind me a little of my dreams/nightmares. Normally, the dreams people are shown to have are a little to linear to really be dreams.
Well, we're all hypocrites. Kind of reminds me how it irks me so much to hear my sister swear, even though I swore when I was younger.
"“Those were The Springs,” " : why is the 'the' capitalized. I don't think its necessary.
"Her face grew hotter still, and she hated. " : did she hate someone in particular, or was she just angry?
The big problem of this chapter, is also the best thing. See, you really explore Nichara's psyche and the way she thinks and everything and much of her thinking isn't exactly straight line rational which is a good thing. However, I never understood where exactly the line between reality and her imagination began and ended. I was really confused.
Anyways, as always this was an excellent chater and I'm looking forward to reading more.
| rrmehta364 chapter 9 . 4/10/2006
"The gold glinted cheerily in the firelight;" : is cheery the right word to use when describing gold.
Are Juhana's actions playful or vicious. I think that's an important distinction you should make.
In all of your other chapters, this hasn't been an issue, but you might want to add some sentence variety. In this chapter, you are beginning almost all of your sentences with nouns. If you vary the sentence structure, it will make things flow better, and make your writing sound more complex. You can get a fuller version of what I'm trying to say if you go to, "writing with diversity" from Eyetk.
"confronting them both with a wicked frown on her face." : how is a frown wicked?
The old crone. Very interesting. Normally fantasy stories have the streotypical old man who knows everything about everyone, but I must say I like this variation better.
Snakes. Very interesting.
"“No, no, no, I will never marry,” she fretted." : the way its worded right now seems kind of random when you first read it. I think if you said "I will never live to marry" it won't sound as random the first time it is read. Of course, odds are I'm just being thick.
I like Juhana and Nichara. Both seem fairly complex characters. I like how it isn't all the good guys versus the bad guys.
I mus say, this has been, plot wise at least, one of my favorite chapters so far.
As always, looking forward to reading more.
| rrmehta364 chapter 8 . 4/10/2006
"appeared across the illuminating white beyond her window." : I think the wordiness of this statement makes it a bit confusing.
"long, red hair poured over a stranger’s shoulders." : I followed the descriptions, but I really don't know what that last one was referring to.
"out of the dark corridor, held out her hand to take the whiter one of the girl’s.": wait, what do you mean by 'whiter one of the girls'
Be careful with not making Juhana sound too evil. The word wicked makes me think malicious devils, and not small girls. Still, you're characterization overall is impressive. THere are no truly good characters, and you aren't afraid to give even the heroine of the story real flaws.
"tugging at her mother’s skirts like a little child." : the like confuses me. She is a little child isn't she?
There seems something fake with the way Juhana is welcoming Nichara. Well, maybe I'm just reading into things a little too much.
Very interesting ending. I'm really curious as to how Asenath will treat her. Two faced characters are so much fun.
Anyways, as always, looking forward to reading more.