Reviews for Pha'dora: Green Eye, Blind Eye
rrmehta364 chapter 7 . 4/10/2006
"The trees were draped in powdery white, some of their trunks bent idly beneath the weight." : how does one bend idly?

Wait, why wouldn't she have seen snow. How far south is she anyways. It'd hundreds of miles, and a long journey.

I like how you stick fairly loyally to the third person limmited in this chapter.

I still don't understand why all of this happened, but I guess that's something I will find out sooner or later.

I'm really curious as to what will happen later on in the plot. As always, excellently written.

-peace out.
rrmehta364 chapter 6 . 4/10/2006
"Whether is was one or the other, Cerdic cared not. " I think you meant the fist is to be an it.

I think the first half of the first paragraph is a little too wordy.

". Momentarily, she wondered to the boat’s edge and stared at the water’s surface, as if she were waiting for something to happen within it." : I think the wandered sohuld be wondered in this sentence.

I liked how you tied something as seemingly irrelevant as an insect into the plot and characterization.

Wait, are these people sailing on the open seas. Based on Cedric's words, I get that idea. Anyways, if this is based upon the celtic world, they wouldn't have the tech to sail in the open seas, and would stick near coasts.

"Nichara made a grim expression and drew her cloak more tightly about herself and prodded at her cheeks with quivering fingers." : I don't think you need the at before the 'her cheeks' I guess the fewer words the better.

"She peered out to sea again as if possessed, the bitter wind stabbing at the exposed areas of her face with a thousand tiny knives." Another sentence that I particularly liked for some strange reason.

"Suddenly, from within the dark, was a hissing sound and Nichara drew away, stunned." : I think you might want to clarify this sentence a little. I understood what you meant after reading afw lines ahead, but when I first read those lines, I was a little confused.

"making sting the fresh wound on her face." : I think it ought to be 'making the fresh wound sting on her'

As always, this was an awesome chapter and I'm really looking forward to readign more.

-peace out.
rrmehta364 chapter 5 . 4/9/2006
"Nichara found Eireann’s sister, IoannaSuileamhain," : Ficpress prolly stuck those two words together. It has the nasty habit of doing that from time to time.

"She wondered why Cerdic had not killed Ioanna too for Ioanna looked very much like her sister –" : I think there might be a comma after too, but I could easily be mistaken.

"though her fragility was more apparent." : who is the her referring to?

"evading Nichara’s threatening." : threatening what? Threatening glare?

Nichara seems a little too obsessed with Eireann, but its an interesting insight into her personality.

I think the characters ought to use contractions a little more often. Other than that, the dialogue is shockingly (yes, shockingly) natural. One of the many strengths of this book.

Is Talitha out of her mind, or is she actively thinking of Talitha and then declaring her not important enough. The way its written right now, that's what it seems like.

"Nichara gave a childish snarl and swiped at the servant’s face with curled fingers." : wait, did she slap her, or just brush her with her fingers. Since you explicitly mention the fingers, it sounds she only brushed her face.

Anyways, excellent chapter. I especially like the last lines, but you really do have a way with words. As always, looking forward to reading more.

-peace out.
rrmehta364 chapter 4 . 4/9/2006
I know its the same voice speaking in the first longish chapter, but maybe you might want to seperate them anyways because the ideas being conveyed are seperate.

"“I want a closer look at them first,” Cerdic replied, almost sensibly." : I don't understand the description 'almost sensibly' what exactly does that mean anyways.

"“There we have our light again. Do not bother with the other.”" : I think there should be a comma after the there, but I'm quite awful with commas.

"“No,” she replied sullenly. “She has always been that way.” Cerdic observed the older child hastily and then moved the whimpering child over his shoulder. “Nichara, do you love your sister?” he asked her. Nichara hesitated." : If you have dialogue, you always have to seperate it no matter what.

I like the lines at the end. This story sort of vaguely reminds me of a memoirs of a geisha (in plot, not style)

That said, these chapters are beautifully written. Truly, the descriptions you use are amazing.

Anyways, looking forward to reading more.
rrmehta364 chapter 3 . 4/9/2006
"both events lacking the formality she had hoped to feel more important than her father." : this sentence confuses. Do you mean she wanted to feel more important than her father. If so, that's an emotion you didn't convey earlier.

Does she realize she is being sold?

Eireann's word confuse me in a good way. I'm looking forward to looking seeing whether you'll explain that mystery or not. If not, than that's good as well. I always liked when authors don't tie up each and every mystery in the end. It lets me make up my own stories about everyone else.

Wait what happened at the end. For once, I'm glad I'm not caught. I don't have to wait for you to update.

Excellent chapter, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

-peace out.

p.s words often confuse me, so when I point out something doesn't make sense, there's an extremely good chance its just me being thick.
rrmehta364 chapter 2 . 4/9/2006
I think you repeat his voice was very smooth and refined a little too much.

"Matthias took his daughter’s hand and presented her to the crimson clad king with too much haste to be of any importance." : I don't quite follow why the 'to be of any importance' part is. Are you saying he did everything with so much haste that it showed she was of no importance, because if you read it closely, I don't think it says that.

How old is Nichara. I keep reading that she's too young, but I'm curious just exactly what young is since the societies often judge things like this differently.

I know you are trying to go for a celtic flavor, but I don't think its necesary to say common thinks like goodnight in Gaelic.

Oh, out of curiosity, is this Irish gaelic or scottish. And if you got these words from a translator, you prolly want to make sure that you don't accidentally say something that is funny.

Yes, I think thats all for now,

-peace out.
rrmehta364 chapter 1 . 4/9/2006
As a warning, I have a tendency to nitpick a lot in my reviews. Many of my nitpicks are minor, and I often confuse personal preference with actual mistake. Anyways, the point is, don't take my criticism too seriously. I'm certainly not the best writer out there.

Watch out for the excessively hard to pronounce names. I'm guessing this is all Celtic, but whenever possible, please keep names pronouncable. Plus, Celtic spellings tend to be so weird.

"Nichara Eydís, a girl barely ten years of age, watched from her window as the small, familiar fishing boats wove in and out of mists that clung to the harbour." : I don't think it necessary to mention that its a girl because the name sounds feminine. Generally speaking, the fewer words necessary to get a point across, the better (I'm quite terrible at this myself)

"thinking that they would not have enough time to get everything done then finishing their errands by noon." : sorry, I don't follow what you are trying to say. Its just worded awkwardly.

I'm curious as to the reasons myself. However, is The Isle of Sorrows the official name, or what people call it. For instance, the lord (I'm guessing this is medieval, though I get an almost Celtic feel to things) wouldn't boast of being from the Isle of Sorrows and use some other name.

"The Eydís castle did not even have walls around it, even as it perched on a hill, vulnerable to anything that might pass it by." : the paragraph before was about the name of the island, yet suddenly it switches to describing the castle?

"The harbour was old, too crooked and shallow for any large boats." : I think the too should go before the old because it just doesn't sound parralel the way you have it typed right now.

"“I told you he would come,” the croak of a voice sounded from behind her. Nichara turned to face her mother’s solemn one, too grave and too wintry to be motherly. " : for some reason, I really liked this sentence.

Wow, really sad how she gets sold to slavery and has her hair chopped off. Strange how losing ones hair effects the reader more than getting sold into slavery.

Wait, why did this pushing happen. Well, I guess its something that you'll explain later on.

Dunno if its believable that selling his daughters to slavery would be done for primarily money reasons. Since the price of fisherman's daughter is the same as a lords daughter, one would imagine the large supply would make it not that much. Indeed, couldn't a daughter better be used to forge an alliance or something. Thirdly, women were generally treated better by Celtic culture so the custom of selling daughters to slavery seems odd.

Anyways, interesting story. I know my review seems rather long, but most of it is just nitpicks. I really enjoyed what I've read so far, and I look forward to the opportunity to read more.

-peace out.
faery tragedy chapter 13 . 2/28/2006
You know, I read this a short while ago and left a review, but my internet froze the second I pressed submit! And now I'm greeted with two more chapters. So anyway, I'm amazed by your sense of language, pacing, and your vision of this fantasy world. Usually I can't get into the genre, but you don't make things over complex and try to impress the reader with names and myths we'll never remember. This is very mystical, which I especially like, and I honestly don't have much critique! I'm adding this to my favorites. Please continue.

*faery tragedy
Charm Scales chapter 13 . 2/11/2006
Dah! There are so many things to be learned yet... and you still have the great level of suspense going on. How do you do it? Good job!
equites chapter 13 . 2/11/2006
I think some description of the setting would help ground the story, and some mention of daily life, minor characters, etc. Also, thought you probably want Nichara to be flawed, she must have some good characteristics to keep the reader's sympathy and attention. I think your greatest strength is in character development. Very arresting!
someweirdo chapter 12 . 2/5/2006
Wowa. I can't wait to read more.
Charm Scales chapter 12 . 2/3/2006
Ah, more intrigue and somehow I wondered how the spice of this story could be overpowered and here you have shown me! A great chapter though I'm a little weirded out by the Bellademon, creepy.
Alexis Kent chapter 11 . 2/2/2006
What, that's it? :O I'm becoming increasingly intrigued as the story is progressing; please update soon.
Alexis Kent chapter 10 . 2/2/2006
Aha, I'm glad that you'll unravel the mystery of Nichara's animosity towards her sister. I'm quite glad. :)
Alexis Kent chapter 8 . 2/2/2006
Interesting, but I can't help but wonder why she's so attached to the king. She acts as if he has affections for her, and as though she wishes he would. Is she too young to understand entirely what he is about?

It seems strange that she would not loathe the man who killed her sister and has taken her captive.
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