wow this is really good! keep on writing!

Update soon please.

He definitely has the wrong house !

I love it! The story plot is strong, as are the characters. Please update soon!

Cheers

Bella

Aw, man. This is very well written, but so tragic! And horrific; like a nightmare. But it's like a nightmare that you want to know the ending to, you know? The plot is really creative, too. I don't think Icould ever come up wit ha raving phycopathic perverted vampire character like Tristan, although I suspect there's more to him than that.

She still hasn't done any painting...

Also, how does the whole blood transfer thing work? Because just sticking two bleeding entities right next to each other doesn't mean they are going to bleed into each other. They both bleed out. Ingestion and injection I would understand, even osmosis through the liquid in eyeballs, they're all plausible. But the option used isn't logical. If it's not meant to be, explain why not.

Try explaing details throughout the story, not just in certain paragraphs. Like add in details after someone speaks, or as Amber walks through teh halls. Then you won't have these long paragraphs out of nowhere filled with purple prose.

Ooh, don't forget that your character still has to shave, unless it's all magically gone, because, according to what you've written, it's been nearly two weeks since her last washing. Unless they've been doing that in her sleep, of which there is no mention.

Also, you never explain why Amber feels like she's on fire.

People just dont' get pissed off like you turn on a switch. Usually, it starts small, then it simmers until it finally ruptures. Either that, or it is caused by a certain stimulus. But AMber sounds like she was suffering from the first choice. Anyway, it would make sense for her to snap like this, but you have to slowly build it up. It can't just come out of nowhere.

wow, she takes off her clothes more often than my roomie does when her bf threatens to break up with her. She should just start walking around in a robe, oh, wait, you solve that problem as well.

Why does she always pass out?

Sex isn't vulgar if it's well done. Just make sure it's well done/ Sorry I have to go. otherwise I would write more

Just a note, don't watch Spongebob while you read this. It takes away from the seriousness of the piece. Plus, you also start thinking of what would happen if vampires went to Glove World and suffered accidental spine loss.

It is nice to see more of the house.

Try not to mix tenses. In one sentence, you talk about the bed Amber woke up in, but in the next, you're talking about a different bed. Why not try talking about the bed she woke up in _when_ she wakes up in it. It prevents confusing information dumps like this one. (paragraph 3/4 down)

"beat up grey jeans" is a really vague description. were they tight? loose? did they accentuate his cute little butt? And another question, was he in the military or is he trying to be goth?

"my inner loins " er... I'm speechless, and not it a good way.

"It was quick and wonderful, but quickly snatched" this sentence has several flaws. First of all, it's redundant, as "quickly snatched" is already implied by "quick". Also, instead of just saying it was quick and wonderful, tell why it was quick and wonderful. What did it do to her?

The Jem women recurr throughout the story multiple times, so why don't they have names? I mean, I know they're just minor characters (who serve no purpose) but they still deserve a name.

Une question: If she was brought there because he wanted her to paint, why hasn't she done any painting so far?

-any “pet” should be treated.” if this is already in dialouge, then "pet" should only have single quotations around it.

This chapter was pretty intense, but still, there is some trouble conveying what the character is feeling. Yeah, she's crying, yeah she jersk, but what is she _feeling_? So... basically what I've been saying throughout the other chapters.

Characters that are supposed to be old don't necessarily have to speak "old", as in, they don't have to have affected and pompous speech. Also, try to make spoken lines more personal to the speaker. I don't mean that you have to reveal intimate details, but personal in the sense that only that character has that particular speech pattern. Because in reality, even though people seem to speak the same, each has their own idiosyncracies.

The blood conversation is really interesting. I couldn't look away.

So, everything I've said in past reviews applies here as well. But what I noticed in that in this chapter more than the past ones you have been having troubling delivering snapy lines, becuase they are being diluted from being too wordy, also you have quite a few awkwardly written sentences.

You're thinking of "conscious" not "conscience". There is a difference.

"escaped my lips that I could not control" I didn't want to say this before because it wasn't such a big deal in the sense that it was easily ignored, but I've been noticing it more and more. You have an issue with wording your sentences. They come off as... awkward. It's nothing major, it just disturbs the flow of the chapter and kind of make the reader go "uh..." with a slight grimace. This also, once again, makes it feel like a rough draft. After a slight tweaking of the words, the sentence could read much smoother. Like "the feeling chased out any thoughts I had and a soft, breathless moan slipped from my slipped before I could catch myself"

"which revealed someone who had jumped out of the Victorian period." THis is another example.

Also, you tend to use "something hit me" or "something pressed gainst me" alot. It becomes redundant and makes your protagonist seem a bit... slow. I mean, she obviously knows what it is, why can't she just say it? Or if she doesn't know what it is, why not? A slap obviously feels like a slap, and the needle poking into her arm is obviously his finger. Is there something impeding her view or is somethign affecting her brain that keeps her from putting two and two together?

Try explaing exactly WHAT he is doing to her. Yeah, he's stroking her and on her inner thigh, but is it soft, rough, like butterfly kisses,does it send little sparks up and down her spine? Also, plot hole: how does she not know she's naked? I mean, I've never woke up naked and not known it. "oops I just the shirt rode up?" stuff like that just makes your character sound, again, slow. And, also explaining how her nips are exposed to the cool air of the room would be kind of kinky and would also explain why she's so sensitive. Plus, the act of taking off clothes or playing with the hems and such is also very sensual.

Also, your characters need a more in depth description. We have no indication as to what they're supposed to look like. And the whole "let the reader decide what they look like" is unprofessional. It just makes this story feel like a cookie-cutter self-insertion that you find on Quizilla. In the same vein, the supporting characters also need description as well. The four girls in the bathroom might as well not be there. They're 25, red lips, and look the saem. But _what_ do they look like? Does your main character feel threatened by their looks? If not, why not?

For internal dialogue, use Italics. It makes it easier to differentiate between what is spoken and what is in thought.

Also, why isn't she uncomfortable when she's getting washed? I mean, that's kind of intimate. Just a note, when including how the character feels, don't just say "I felt uncomfortable" show _how_.

Something I just seemed to notice, but now it really bothers me is that your character doesn't seem to have an opinion about anything. It's almost like she's just a spectator in her own life. She just watched everything that is happening without really doing anything about it.

you might want to spend a little more time describing what is going on around her. When was it established that she was going to a party? Why is she going to a party? Why was she dressed so oddly? Lack of focus on the particulars of the story just leave the reader hopelessly ocnfused.

And why is she so nice to this guy? It just promotes submissivness in violent relationships. Your readers want violent sex scenes, but dominance in bed is different than a dominant in a relationship.

Okay, so I like the attempts you make at colorful writing, but they're kind of... half-done. "It felt like ants were crawling inside my brain" is one example. It's lacking... an artistic feel to it. Something like "My brain prickled like it was being runover with thousands of tiny ants, prickling and biting. their little legs poking at my tender flesh." Something like that, this one is just a rough example.

"m" should be "my", "breathes" should be "breath"

Also, one problem writers tend to overlook is the character themselves. Right now, I think she should be freaking out, hyperventilating, or at least her thoughts should be all over the place, not focused on how badly her captor should invest in an interior decorator. And the fear she does experience just comes and goes in convenient bursts. Also, when describing situations and people, relate it to how they make HER feel. Don't just objectively describe, put some meaning into them.

You have the makings of an iteresting writer, but you still need to polish your skills. You're almost there, but it falls short somewhere.

"Inside I was screaming but i don't know why" sounds like you put it there just because it sounded good. If you're intent on keeping it there, at least give her a reason. Say that he gives her the creeps or something.

Still moves a little too fast for the reader to really feel what the character's feeling. His "kiss" really didn't appeal to me at all. I mean, I know it was supposed to symbolize something, but it was just... "so?" This might be the reason why someone had said that tyour character sounded whiny. Because at this point we're like "we all know what he is, just get it over with" when in reality, that's not what you want your reader thinking. You want them thinking "omg, what is he doing?" You have an overused plot here, so make it your own, add some creativity, make it YOURS.

There are some minor spelling errors where "tardys" should be "tardies" and "then" instead of "than", "couth" should be "couch"

I think there should be a little more emphasis on "the man from her dreams" because less isn't always more. And if you leave off of a thought mid-sentence, have her shake the thought out of her head or get distracted or something because the way you have it makes it sound like you just forgot to write the second half of the sentence.

I think that a little more time should have been spent building up the ominous-ness (... I don't think that's a word...) of your main antagonist. He is mentioned twice when she is painting, you might explain WHY she likes to paint, or is it just becuase she's trying to get the man out of her head, or trying to get a clearer picture of him or something. Also, tell us _what_ she is paiting. I mean, we know it's the guy, but give us details. Including a lot of colors like black and red would give him an evil feel, dark rich colors like deep rueple or forest green would also give him an ominous feel, without him seeming evil. And it would also indicate that there's something "colorful" about him, maybe his past,, his emotions, his language, something.

Also, the way that you just list elements, then randomly stop on a dialogue or certain thought makes it feel kind of choppy and not thought out. Like this is still a first draft of something. You have the main ideas down, but they still need to be written so they flow and intrigue the reader.

Also, the last sentence of this chapter is a bit cliche. It just comes off a tad bit corny, and too quickly. In fact, that's one of my largest complaints. Everything just seems to move too fast.. Which is why this still feels like a first draft. It feels like you still need to flesh out your ideas a skills alittle bit more.

Interesting intro, but I think your summary is actually more engrossing and informational than this little tidbit. Still, it's interesting.

yeah, good.

this is good. update soon please!