|Reviews for The Crimnson Example|
| Maxwell K chapter 4 . 6/11/2005
wowza! i love it
| Maxwell K chapter 3 . 6/11/2005
| Maxwell K chapter 2 . 6/11/2005
| Maxwell K chapter 1 . 6/11/2005
| CPU Furball chapter 1 . 5/19/2005
Lol wonderful installment. Graceful descriptions along with humorous dialogues really made me enjoy this a lot. This story is going into my favorite.
Keep up the good work!
| Mechwarrior5 chapter 1 . 5/19/2005
Overall, a good and interesting piece of writing. Now I'd really like to knwo what happened with the earlier books, but I suppose that will come out later.
Anyway, about the story-you had good diction through out it, though sometimes the sentence structure could have been reworked to make the words flow better. There are only a couple specific things I would change, though.
1) "His slit, yellow eyes were staring directly ahead, parallel with the floor below." If his eyes are straight ahead, shouldn't it be a given that they're parallel with the floor? It seems like extraneous information you really don't need and to me doesn't make very much sense to include.
2) The change in perspective in the third paragraph is a bit disturbing to me. The general rule of accepted writing is that for each chapter or "scene" if you will, you keep one point of view throughout it all, in this case Jyko's. You could have easily described him knocking for a few minutes and then getting fed up and busting in-then describing the scene with Anaka inside (her naked on the bed and all that) which would have worked just as well, if not better. It may be a little nit-picky of me (an I may be wrong), but the change in perspective is a little jarring to the reader
3) For the reader's sake, it's usually a good idea to separate different characters' dialogue into a singe paragraph for each character. For instance in the fifth paragraph, you could divide it into two between "I didn't want company today" when Anaka is talking, and "His eyes narrowed" when you describe Jyko's actions and his following response.
4) A very minor thing, but the final line has "cat's" instead of "cats," which doesn't really make much sense.
Overall a good piece of writing. I hope you update soon, because I want to read more of this. Good luck with the next chapter.
| Brightstarr-Bella chapter 1 . 5/18/2005
Wonderful and intriguing!